Somewhere over the rainbow

Tip-toeing back...

2009-05-24T23:10:00.006-04:00

It's been crazy few months. I lost all sense of time and place with the routine everyday life - work, the economy, the family, etc etc.. so many things have happened in these few months that I've been away from blogger, and yet nothing seems to have changed.

For starters, I still have my job, which is a miracle in these days! I am still in New York, still single, still happy, still loving it! The winter's over (yayay!), and spring has surprisingly done nothing for me this year... hardly like the romantic waves of sunshine which enthralled me earlier.. maybe because I was on vacation in India for most part of spring. Or maybe I am getting older and used to this (No, its definitely the former).

Anyways, it was great to meet friends and close family this time during my brief trip to India... (its always nice to be told how much weight you've lost, for example!).. and it was good to come back and find that I was missed.. Good to be moving into a better apartment soon, and good to keep up with your yearly - what do they call those - promises? (Ah! I am rusty with words now!).. Anyways, my mission for this summer is - whitewater rafting, skydiving and visiting a new city/state/country.. and one of them has already been fulfilled! Yesterday I went for my first whitewater rafting trip, and apart from witnessing massive ego clashes and much spinning around due to multiple instructions being shouted by the 3 men aboard (whilst me and the other girl with me were paddling frantically to keep the raft going straight ahead!), it went very well! There shall be more to come on that for sure!

Anyways, thought I'd keep this post short.. just trying to tip-toe my way back into blogger world... lets see how it goes...

P.S I've started to lurk (ahem, I meant catch up) on a few of my fav blogs.. will tip-toe my way into commenting as well soon...

Junk alert!!

2008-08-03T21:16:00.002-04:00

Yes, its been a long time. For those who thought I was dead.. here's my answer - :P

But my apologies, this time I really left blogger for too long, unfortunately am not even up-to-date on some of my favourite blogs! Am sure you all missed my comments! ;)

Anyways, its been a very very hectic couple of months - I've moved into a new apartment which I've leased for one year, which means doing up the place in my own way and that means lots of shopping (yes, I'm spoilt. I live on my own.) I've also been doing a lot of volunteer work for an organization, which meant every evening after-office hours and weekends were spent in that... I've also met a whole new bunch of people who have shown me a different side of New York, which is great! And I've been doing some soul searching and deep thinking as well while my life has been a roller coaster ride! I finally bought a tv after 4 months of living on my own, but the tv is still not installed, so I continue to watch movies online on my 15 inch faithful laptop. And I continue to be oblivious to the latest and greatest news around the world, my only source of news being the captivate.com news headlines in my office elevator! (I do not spend office time surfing news websites, errr.. I really dont' get the time, don't get me wrong!).

Anyways, today was another round of shopping for the house, and I'm almost done... I only have some major items to furnish like sofa and chest of drawers, but apart from that, I'm good to go! I love this process of setting up my own place, because it brings out the years of desire I had to have to decorate my own house.. Ah, before you think it's a big house, my apartment is a small studio, but somehow, I can manage to find many things that I'd like to put in it.

Hence my post title. I've come to a point now when I've shopped so much but still dont seem to have everything. But today, I caught myself. I think every girl should have a device strapped to her fingers that beeps every time we start to buy junk things that we think we will need some day. I think it should read our thoughts too. Every time we try to rationalize an unnecessary purchase as "I'll use it some day", it should set an alarm off that will be so loud that we'll die of embarassment and will retreat from the item and go hide ourselves in the corner of the shop. Hmmm.

Because today I bought so many things that I dont need and wont be able to use right away, but could not stop myself inspite of knowing I am collecting junk! Sigh. So I thought, maybe if I had a small machine that would either send an electric pulse to my brain or simply electrocute me, then maybe I wont spend so many dollars buying unnecessary frills and save some money and have a fat bank balance.

Sigh.

On a separate note, Wednesday I am planning to join Kathak classes in the city, am so excited! Ok, now you may wonder why I learnt Salsa in Delhi and am learning Kathak in NYC. Hmmm. Tough. I think the answer is that the grass is always greener on the other side :)

On that note, I shall sign off, and this time without any promises of being regular, because whenever I do that, I find that I'm most irregular with my blogging! Btw, hope that everyone else who has disapeared on blogger also comes back now!! Haha, yes I can be very selfish :)

Mid year check?

2008-05-29T23:23:00.005-04:00

Ok, I can see how my disappearance from blogger has become quite routine nowadays, but this time it was for a good cause... but before I launch into a description of what I've been upto, I thought I would do some mid-year stock-taking... remember my post from New year? Ok, here it is...

Since June is fast approaching, I thought I'd take stock of how many new year resolutions I've achieved, and how many I need to remind myself to complete! Since this is almost the first time I've made a list of things to do in the new year, I'm quite excited about seeing where I stand... so here goes:

I "pledged" to - learn a new language
I learnt 3 words in Spanish - usted, despacio and bien.. so now I can string together an entire "sentence" in Spanish - "Senor, usted drive despacio por favor, my sister pregnant, bumpy road no bien"

I "pledged" to - Get back to singing
I sang my heart out on my recent vacation... everyone avoided looking me straight in the eye after that! Hmmm.... not repeating this mistake again :)

I "pledged" to - Graduate from the bunny slope
Ummm.... I love bunnies?

I "pledged" to - Stop wearing shades of grey, black, brown and white
So now I'm wearing shades of green and blue most of the time... when I was packing recently, I realized all my office clothes were still black/brown/white, and all my "party" clothes were blue and green... hmmm.. I need some colour!!

I "pledged" to - Give more time to myself instead of my job, laptop and sleep
So now I'm spending more time on the phone!! Add reading to it. I have no tv, so nothing to substitute the laptop with! :(

I "pledged" to - Learn how to say no
Nope, definitely no progress in this area

I "pledged" to - Travel to a new country
And THIS I did!!!! I just came back from Peru yesterday! Was an awesome vacation, one which deserves a whole separate post, especially the jam... errr.. never mind,more later about that.. anyways this is my biggest accomplishment for the year! And the one thing on my list of to dos that I least expected to achieve! Clap clap!

I "pledged" to - Convey my love to my family
Still working on it

I "pledged" to - Stop crying in every emotional scene
I have now degenerated to crying while reading books as well! Sigh.

Btw, at the risk of sounding like an incurable romantic, here's the last song I sang and tortured everyone with:

Aankhen band kar loon, dekhoon bas tumhe
Khyabon mein hee keh sakta hoon apna tumhe
Rehne de mera yeh veham pe hee yakeen
Na jaa abhi
Pyar ke yeh raat hai, ab na jaa
Chhoti si ek baat hai, ab na jaa
Pal do pal ka saath hai, ab na jaa
Jaadu si yeh raat hai, ab na jaa...

This is one of the most romantic songs I know, thanks to Euphoria!! It's true, sometimes all you need is for someone to tell you "don't go"...

Dream a little dream for me...

2008-05-11T21:31:00.003-04:00

She stood by the huge window overlooking the river... 12 floors below, men and women hurriedly stepped out of the ferry and weaved their way through the morning rush... in the distance, the symbol of freedom and liberty stood in the middle of the water, holding up her torch.. ferries and boats whizzing past, splashing a jet of water behind them, cut across the gently chopping surface of the river... on the streets below, yellow cabs honked impatiently at pedestrians who walked across the roads seemingly oblivious of the oncoming traffic... at the corner of the street, a long line of customers stood patiently waiting for their morning cup of coffee at Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts, waiting to get started with their day, make some money, cut some deals... high heels and high power mingled comfortably with each other... the station exit spewed a continuous stream of people who all seemed to have an aim, a mission for the day... the fast pace of the office goers cut through the crisp morning air, the sunshine making its way through the skyscrapers and reaching the walkers... the newspaper stands cleared and the trash bins filled up; heels met potholes and stayed afoot without falling; everyone walked close yet no one touched the other, this was skill of staying alert and focussed... hotdog stands and coffee vendors had been up since 5 and doing great business in the rush hour... a few men and women stood on the sides and puffed and blew smoke unconcernedly into the faces of people walking past, but no one cared... people stepped over manholes with lids "Made from India", walked over construction sites and got to their 50 storey office buildings, charged up and ready to go.

This was vibrancy, this was pace, this was New York City and this was where she wanted to be. This was her dream. She had been blessed because this is what she had achieved. She stood there, 12 floors above the hustle bustle, drew a deep breath of contentment, turned around and sat at her desk, charged up and ready to go.

Been away from blogger for too long, infact for the first time, I missed a whole month!! For those of you who thought I was dead, pls don't party. Have just moved jobs and cities, it's been a rollercoaster ride settling in... I have a lot of catching up to do, but I will definitely write regularly now... been itching to write for so long! I have many desi stories to tell!

P.S My previous post was very pertinent because I started my new job 2 days after that, and wanted to know if what motivated me also motivated others.. glad to know I'm not the only one out there!!

What makes you tick?

2008-03-29T23:00:00.005-04:00

This question has been revolving in my head for some time now... What motivates us to achieve something? What drives us to push ourselves forward and get something we wanted? Do we all have that drive, or are just some of us unnecessarily chasing dreams and pushing ourselves too hard? Because when one dream is fulfilled, the human mind turns to fulfill another, almost never happy with the current state of things..

What is the reason why we want to change our present and look to another future? It's not necessarily unhappiness or dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs... people can be motivated and determined to 'do something' simply (or not so simply) as an ego boost, or if they felt that they had to prove something to others.. or it could be because of money... yes, I believe for many people money is a big motivation, although I personally know of only one person who desires money enough to have no life at all and work almost 20 hours a day! He does earn more than $500,000 and he's just 32, so I guess I don't blame him! But I don't know if I could ever do that...

Me, I'm a true Scorpio... power and position motivates me... I find it sexy. On a man and a woman. And I don't mean it in the way politicians and bureaucrats have it or use it, but as being the person in charge. That gives me a high. To be in control, that makes me want to do things. And credit. Aaah! Am such a sucker for being given the credit for the work I do. I feel instantly charged when someone gives me credit for the work I have accomplished, and feel highly deflated when I don't get recognized. This I believe is normal, atleast it should be!

But someone told me something yesterday, that jarred in my brain. It was their opinion of why I am so determined to achieve certain things in life, of why I push myself harder than I need to - and unfortunately - it was true. And it's been on my mind since that moment. And surprisingly, I don't feel guilty about it. I think I may have accepted some things about myself.

So what motivates you, if at all? Is it money? Is it a need to provide for your loved ones? Is it a need to fulfill what others expect of you, or atleast what you think they expect of you? Is it the desire to be looked up to or envied by others around you? Would you even feel happy if someone envied you?!

What makes you strive for something, whether it be for better or worse?

You're my favourite... mistake...

2008-03-17T18:33:00.005-04:00

Of late, I've been singing this song aloud in my head (I know that 'singing aloud in the head' doesn't make sense, but its' just like when people say they have voices in their head... ummm... oops... maybe I've started off on a looney note.. let's restart)...

Of late, this particular song has been running through my head - Sheryl Crow's "You're my favourite mistake"... it pops into my head at the oddest of times, like its sending me a message.. like everytime I enter Macy's! It's like - I know it's all wrong to do any more shopping, but I still just got to do it... and it's not just during Sales.. sometimes I go during a one-day sale and buy stuff that's not on sale! (Mental note to self: duh!). Although I have over-shopped and saturated myself (sigh, never thought this day would come) and to my credit, I haven't bought anything - for myself - since New Year's (except 3 formal suits which burnt a big hole in my pocket - hey, I needed those! Dont say "Yeah right!"), I do still get that irresistible urge to just buy something, anything, every time I walk into the mall.. so I've had to physically restrict my movements nowadays! :) (Actually, that may be true of a lot of things... when you get an irresistible urge to do something, the only way to stop yourself is to physically restrict yourself from doing it, because your mind won't stop you all by itself!!)

So, the song pops into my head all the time - when I am eating a nice sinful chocolate brownie sundae, when I am in a shoe shop, when I'm eating nice hot garam pakodas on a rainy/snowy day, when I'm at an electronics shop checking out a Blackberry for my next buy.. sigh!

Anyways, talking about favourites, IR tagged me (back) and the questions ask my favourite movie, song, food etc... and since I've been lagging behind in the tagging business, here goes:

Favourite movie (one you can watch again and again) and why: This has got to be a tie between DCH and Sholay... DCH for being funny yet deeply emotional and moving at the same time, and Sholay for.... the same reason! I guess it shows the kind of person I am! Lol!

Favourite song and why: This I'd have to think about, because there are many, but I think I'll have to go with 'Nothing Else Matters'... why?? Because!!!

Any quirks: Many. But the biggest quirk is probably that I can't even read, let alone write, a badly formatted document or write up or post!! It bugs the hell out of me if someone asks me to review something for them, and I find it badly formatted, and with Times New Roman font!! Hate that one!! Pls forgive my strangeness!

Favourite food: I'm not a foodie (nobody laugh), and I believe chocolates and chocolate cakes don't count as "food", they're more in the "sin" category. So, I'm going to go with what I really want to eat right now, which is fettucini alfredo pasta :)

Any strange/funny childhood belief that you have carried with you? When I was 6 years old, I watched Sholay for the first time. When Amitabh Bachhan died, I howled and cried buckets of tears because I thought that he really died! To this date, I cry whenever AB dies or cries because I feel his pain!! Lol!

Your first lesson in life: will probably be my last one as well, because I never seem to learn... and that is to never have expectations from anyone, even people very close to you, because you will always be let down, and that's life. And sometimes strangers and least known acquitances will do something for you that will change your life. That's life too.

I don't want to tag anyone in particular, but whoever wants to do this one, please go ahead!

Who can cook??

2008-03-02T18:24:00.004-05:00

So, everyone says women should know how to cook... It's assumed that you know your pink dal from your green one, and your garam masala from, I don't know, maybe hing! And, you're supposed to know all this much much before you go to live alone in another country, especially because you're vegeterian by choice in a country where fish is considered veg food!

And ofcourse, I didn't know any of this. The closest I ever ventured into the kitchen was to make tea (and it was really good, if I may add!) for my Mom sometimes, when I was in 8th grade. Some time later, my Gran'dad decided to take matters in his own hand (because I could very easily refuse Mom when she asked me to come and make something with her and the cook) and he tried to teach me to make rotis. I made the chapati in the shape of Orissa. He gave up.

Years later, when I had started working in Delhi, the bai didn't turn up and my Mom was away, so I had to make meals through the whole weekend.. I remember I tried to make Kadi Chawal but I got the proportions all wrong for both the kadi and the chawal... so what we had was like solid kadi and watery chawal... However, I was forgiven... sigh, such an understanding family I have (except for my brother who laughed at me, nodded his head and said "Didi, who is going to marry you at this rate?!".. thankfully, he was kidding)..

But the panic button was pressed when I was about to leave for Paris. They gave me one week's notice to make arrangements, and this was obviously not enough time for me to learn to properly identify and cook pink, green, half green (damn, I still dont know the names!) dal, rice, chapati, AND sabzi! It was like information overload! So, my Mom very sweetly made a recipe book for me, which painstakingly explained how to make simple everyday food. And she knew me well enough to actually label the masala packets too, because she knew I wouldn't know the difference between chaat masala and amchur (are they the same thing?? they're not, right?!).. yes, I love my Mom and yes I also know she's pampered me!

Anyways, just because I had a recipe book and labelled food items in hand didn't mean I could start cooking right away! I had to identify the actual food in the grocery store too... and there lay the challenge - one, because I didn't recognize some of the more interesting vegetables, like louki, or ghiya (and thankfully, I didn't eat these either), and second, because the names were in French... anyways, help was sought from colleagues, not without being a laughing stock first... that done, the first day I made something, I burnt it. So I actually called my boss, who was staying at the same hotel and asked him the words I think he'll never forget "Boss, how to cook dal?!"... I think he had a fit - laughing.... he said "Maine socha team mein ladki aayegi aur humare liye khana pakayegi, lekin yahan to ulti ganga beh rahee hai!" - like I don't have anything better to do in life than cook for an entire team of hungry men (even if I knew how to)! So my boss, who is a very good cook, taught me how to make dal, curry, samosas, paranthas, pooris, chhole, rajma, kadi, round chapatis, and bhindi ki sabzi, among many others!! The poori story is funny because I didn't know how to make pooris, but decided to be nice and offer to help my (same) boss's wife in the kitchen... when I started to put dry aata on the poori to flatten it out, she sighed, looked at me squarely, and told me to go watch the movie with the guys and get out of her way in the kitchen!

From someone who knew zilch about cooking anything 3 years back, I've come a long long way - Wednesdays are usually "my day to cook" here at my aunt's place... and this Wednesday, I made shahi paneer, pulao and methi aloo ki sabzi for dinner, ALL by myself! (Ok, so I had a little help from bawarchi.com - so?!) And I knew it was really good because my cousin, who is very very finicky about the taste of food (especially when it comes to paneer) had four helpings of the shahi paneer!!

Playing catch up...

2008-02-21T19:29:00.005-05:00

Playing catch up seems to be the story of my life right now! Be it at work (how do you get work done when you're in meetings the whole day?!) or personal stuff like paying my bills, talking to friends, shopping, and not to mention blogging! In the midst of catching up with life, I forget to notice the smaller things in life, such as how beautiful and the bright the moon is every night (last night was a lunar eclipse here, and I failed to realize that the moon is usually much brighter than the muddy brown colour it had taken on during the eclipse!!), how fresh a crisp winter morning can feel, how comforting a warm hug can be and how good a warm chocolate brownie sundae can taste!

In the meantime, 2 people tagged me - Unpredictable and Adarsh.. Don't know if I can complete both posts today, given that I'm dying to hit the bed, so I'll start with the relatively simpler one - one which relies on past "wisdom" and does not call on my brain to churn out something new at this uncreative time of the day!

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 keywords given (family, friends, yourself, your love, and anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do the same. Try to tag atleast 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better. Don't forget to read the linked posts and leave comments!

Family: I've mentioned many of my family members in different posts, but I think the one that is closest to my heart is the post I wrote for my brother on Rakhee in 2006.. ofcourse, he had a look at it and nodded his head and grunted - all signs of acknowledgement that he knows I love him so much!

Friends: I've never dedicated a post to any particular friend of mine, and maybe I should, but here's something I wrote about a friend of mine who has been there with me through thick and thin for the past 7 years, and we're so much part of each other's lives, I think we are like sisters... And my post to thank all my wonderful friends definitely counts too!

Myself: Aaah.. must have written a thousand posts about myself!! But here are my favourites - when I grow up, the older and nicer me, cosmopolitans, a little girl and what I'd like to do..

Your love: This one is easy! My crush/love/lust!

Anything I like: Mumbai story, weekend stories and the music story!

Now, to pass this on...
3 known people to tag: Zee, Chaitali, Cuckoo
2 new peope to tag: Equilibrium and IR

Past imperfect, present continuous and future perfect...

2008-02-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

Let me start with a little side observation which has nothing to do with the post coming up - have you ever woken up in the morning and felt like you just lived an entirely different life in your dreams which felt so real that you can't believe you're still in the same place after waking up?! My dreams are so vivid that sometimes I can't believe they didn't happen! My imagination conjures up images which seem so close to reality that I feel like I'm actually living in my dream.. Ofcourse I'm not talking about scary dreams like running behind a train and missing it, or snake dreams or dreams when you think you're running but you're still in the same place.. these "dreams" every one knows are not real - they are manisfestations of some fear or desire we have in our sub-conscious mind..

But the dreams I'm talking about are for example about meeting people, being with people, doing stuff together.. It's like living a life with them and then suddenly snapping out of it.

Long time back, when I was in school, I remember I was waiting for a letter (those were the days there was no internet.. I'm talking '94 guys!) from a friend (the guy that I met when I was 14!)... I remember rushing back from lunch to check if I have mail.. I didn't... I went to sleep for a while, next thing I know, I had come back from lunch, there was mail for me, and I read he whole damn letter!! I read word for word what he had written, and happy, I went for classes... and then woke up... it was too weird! I was looking around for the letter on my bed but couldn't find one... That left me very dazed! Ofcourse next day the letter came, and it didn't have anything in it that I had dreamt of the previous day, so I was assured that atleast I'm not weirdly clairvoyant or psychic, just weird!

Last night, I dreamt about meeting my really old friend who I had lost touch with (I'm sure this is because I read Nutty's latest post just before sleeping!!), and I could picture her so clearly, I even had a mental idea of what her kid looked like even though I haven't seen my friend in 4 years now! When I woke up, I was like - Didn't I just meet her?!

Sometimes I wonder which one is the "real" reality... what if the life we dream of when we're sleeping is the real one, and the one we think we're living is a dream?! What if you had another family somewhere in the universe, another job (which was more satisfied and paid more!), different friends, a separate life?

I guess I'm watching too many movies.. Which reminds me to come to the point of my post.. We have a new surround sound stereo system at home (my aunt's place, and I had no contribution in this), and they've redone their family room to make it very home theatre like.. so we've been watching movies every single evening the whole of this week... The one movie that struck me the most was Deja Vu... I'm totally fascinated by the bending time, meeting of the past and present, parallel futures concept! I mean, imagine if you could go back in the past, change the course of some events and have a different present? Or have 2 presents running parallely together? Which ties back to what I was saying earlier in the post - what IF your dreams are the different "present" and your life when you're awake is the "other" present?

Right. I get your point. I need rest. But remember, this is a Saturday morning and I did wake up early again, though it was 8 this time! So... I've got nothing better to do right now other than thinking about time travel!

Early morning.. blues?!

2008-01-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm not an early riser by any means... 7:30 is early for me, on an average day... ofcourse on an average day I also have to make it to office in time so I wake up a whole 15 mins earlier... At my most active, I can wake up in the morning and do yoga/meditation (for half an hr, ok 15 mins), have a bath (there's a reason I'm specifying this - because I know many people who go to office without having a bath in the morning in winters, and I'm of the variety who can't step out of the house even for grocery without having one, summer or winter!), grab a toast and rush out.. At my laziest, I have a bath and rush out... Weekends are a whole different ballgame... 7:30 AM is like midnight, whether or not I was out the night before... and usually when I do wake up around 9:30 or so, it takes me ages to surface and come to normality... I mean, if I have to travel then it doesn't matter, but if I am at home, then it seems like a waste of time waking up early on a weekend!

Anyways, today I woke up at 7:30... on a Saturday! It was sacrilege! But I had to wake up "early" because my cousin was going to give her SAT and I wanted to wish her luck... I went back to bed after vaguely giving her a hug and saying something to the likeness of "Don't drink too much of that juice you're taking with you, you'll waste time going to the bathroom"!!! Tsk tsk, such sound advice from big sis.. she must really treasure me!

But I couldn't go back to sleep (which has never been a problem with me before), so for want of anything better to do, I started clearing up my room.. That done, I did my laundry, and one thing led to another and I found I was vacuuming (everyone else in the house was already awake - yeah, they're the type who wake up at 6 on weekends too.. hmmm), setting my cupboard straight, finishing a sudoku puzzle (that's my current timepass, I know I'm late to join the craze but what the hell!), AND making breakfast for everyone!! My aunt was literally staring at me the whole time, and I think she started giggling when I reached for the duster to clear the dust in the family room (there was a whole load of construction happening at home the past week, hence the dust)...

And I was done with all this by 9!

And now I have the rest of the day to do nothing! Hehehe... It feels good because on other weekends I'd also bum around, but I would know I need to finish my work and I'd start by around 11, which is LATE by the standards set in this house... It's important to note that I love cleaning, it's therapeutic for me! I've done it since I was a kid, it's actually my favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning! Only issue is that the timing is all wrong!!!

But today is great because I've been a good girl :) And I'm feeling so fresh and energetic having woken up to the early morning air, I think I'm going to go shopping! Guilt-free!There are so many more things I can pack into one day that I think this "wake up early" lecture I keep getting may actually have something to it!

So here's hoping I can wake up in good time every weekend and have more time to do stuff (read: nothing)!

Chicken and egg story..

2008-01-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

Do you think that it's true that the happier and more content human beings we are, the more people will flock around us and be drawn to us, or is the converse true - that the more people are attracted to us, the more happier and content we are?! It's like, did the chicken come first or the egg? It's like the following riddle:

"The statement below is true."

"The statement above is false."

I'd like to believe it's the first, but I think it's usually the second that applies..

On this happy note, let me ask another pertinent question - do you think people who keep pets, especially dogs and maybe cats, are emotionally unstable and lack love in their life from human beings and therefore seek it in animals who are mute and dependent on them?

I'd like to believe it's because of the sake of the pet itself that we keep them, but I think it's usually because we seek unconditional (or conditional, like in case of a cat) acceptance and companionship that we do....

And what will you do if you wanted to pursue your dream, but that would entail giving up a good opportunity at the present moment?

I'd like to believe I'd pursue my dream, but I think I'm risk-averse and would "settle" for a bird in hand rather than two in the bush... or just maybe I'll gather enough courage and believe in myself and God that my dream can come true...

The rest is still unwritten...

2008-01-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

So it's that time of the year again when one has to take stock of what one has achieved in the year that has just flown by, and what one wants to do with the coming year... I was looking at my New Year post written on the same day last year, and am afraid of repeating myself! However, I shall conitnue for the sake of tradition...

Last year I thought I had everything figured out, I thought I knew what was going to happen almost on a month by month basis! And although I'm not usually clairvoyant (yes, sometimes I am, but that's another story), but a lot of it came pretty much true! Of course, there's always surprises, there's always hope and sometimes hopelessness, and that's what keeps up the spice in life...

But 2008 - I have no idea what it holds for me! I can't predict this year because there's no history... It's scary because of the uncertainty... it's like stepping into the dark in an unfamiliar house.. you're on your own, nothing to go by... so many possibilities and yet you don't know which one will work and which won't work... life seems like it's on an Improbability Drive, you don't know where you're going to land up finally!

And yet, I feel positive about it, or at least make myself believe that I do.. because you are what your thoughts are.

I feel inclined to do whatever I can to make the best of the times and not let years go passing by without a sense of fulfillment. And though I don't believe in New Year resolutions, I do believe that a fresh start at the beginning of the year can give you perspective (and here I've failed already, because the start of this year was anything but "fresh" for me!! Too much partying and then sleeping at 6 in the morning doesn't seem like such a good idea now)...

[I'm irritated though that my birthday and the new year come so close by.. this whole reminiscing and taking stock thing is too much pressure so close together in the year!]

And I do know that I want to do the following things for sure this year. And hopefully this published post will remind me of my own promises and kick me into action whenever I forget.

- Learn another new language, maybe Spanish this time, so that I can choose whichever option I want when calling customer service!
- Get back to singing (outside the bathroom)... oh yes, though none of you will fortunately be subjected to this torture, I plan to get back to singing... so many hours shall be spent re-discovering Sa Re Ga Ma Pa.
- Graduate from the bunny slope and be able to ski at the next level.
- Stop wearing shades of black, grey, white and brown most of the time (and for all you men out there, different shades of white DO exist!!)
- Give more time to myself instead of my job, laptop and sleep.
- Learn how to say no (because saying no to someone you don't like/isn't your friend doesn't count as much as saying no to someone you do like/is your friend)
- Travel to another new country.. ok now this is stretching it. But then maybe not.
- Somehow, just somehow be able to convey to my family how much I love them and am grateful for all they've done and sacrificed for me. And always be there for them the way they've been there for me.
- Stop crying in every emotional scene I see in a movie (recently I cried myself silly watching Taare Zameen Par - brilliant movie though!!)

Ok, I think I need to stop before I spill over to 2009!!

So, on this positive note, I'm ready to take on what 2008 holds for me, and hopefully find what I've been searching for!

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
-- Natasha Bedingfield

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T16:28:00.000-05:00

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!!

:))

Its' all worth it now!

2007-12-18T22:21:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that I've been very wary of driving in the snow here... Having read some horror stories about it and talking to people who give advice like "Drive your car into a block of ice if you think you're going to cause a major accident", I've been at my wits end on how to avoid driving on the icy roads! I also feel colder than most people, so I tend to freeze pretty fast, and that's just one more reason to stay home and work remotely instead of making the effort to actually go to office!

But, here's the interesting bit - I'm falling in love.

With snow. (Ummm, what did you think?!)

And its all worth it now.

You've just got to look out at the white expanse, pristine and pure (before people walk over it and it becomes brown!), and you'll fall in love with the beauty of it all. The trees look so pretty, each branch slightly drooping under the weight of the snow, the outstretched fields look like a sea of white crystals, and the best part I think is the mood in the air! Its probably the most romantic season of all! You just feel like curling your fingers into someone else's, laughing, shivering, slipping, walking together...

You feel like smiling to yourself even when the roads are completely backed up and it takes you 1 hour to do 5 miles! Of course, if you're driving a Pontiac G6 Coupe, you'll smile through rain and snow alike! No no, this isn't the car that I've finally decided to buy/bought!! It doesn't even figure in my list, not out of choice but out of helplessness! (For those interested, I've decided its going to be the Altima Coupe, if I can't get a good deal on the Pontiac that is!).. No, I just turned out to be really lucky and got a free upgrade on my car rental and so am driving around (at 30 miles/hr - ok, so what the heck, I'm still scared of sliding on the snow!) in that these days! I'm only sad that it keeps getting covered in snow and the beautiful gleaming blue color is lost inside somewhere! :(

Incidentally, while we're on the subject of snow, this is the festive season after all - I've paid my respects to the cheer by shopping (too much)... most of the stuff I've bought is not useful to anyone. I've just bought it because its the season to buy. Shucks, such a sucker for marketing! Oh, and I don't know how many of you have noticed but people can be quite nasty during this season "to be jolly", especially in parking lots! "Say bye to Santa this year miss! You're fighting with me over a stupid parking space?!!"

Anyways, getting back to why it's all worth it, its because you can spend hours and hours with friends sitting inside a coffee shop and chatting away without feeling guilty that you should be "out there", doing hiking, trekking, rafting or any such unnecessarily tedious activities! (just kidding! i'd love to go on one of these actually!)... I spent 4 hours last evening having dinner with 4 PhD students from Brown University.. we were the most odd combination of people - one Greek (Greek God, if I may add!), one German, one Japanese and one other Indian apart from me! We spoke about everything under the sun from beer-drinking Swiss cows to airhostesses on international airlines, from Starbucks marketing strategy to the appropriate BMI of a Japanese v.s the rest of the world! Of course this isn't season related, but I miss the exchange of ideas that students have here... I guess it was a real missed opportunity to not have studied in this country... where else will you find such a diverse mix of people?! And the fact that these people really exchanged ideas about important stuff! I recently met a guy who is just finishing under-grad, and he's already so knowledgeable that it makes me wonder! He spent 3 months in India last year, he's going to go biking through Asia when he graduates, and is planning to work in China after that... and his friend spent a few months in Pakistan learning Urdu and studying about Madarsas! They were teaching each other Urdu and Chinese, which was such a better use of time than talking about the latest affair of your college-mates or bitching about a professor! I think the only ideas my friends and I exchanged in college was whose nail polish was better and who was going out with whom!! (ok, so thats not true - but I'm trying to make a point!)

And lastly, I'm going out for lunch with this person I really really like! [Can't tell you guys who, though I must have mentioned him at least 3 times before! But, for the curious ones (read Zee and S) this is not a romantic involvement! :)))]

So its' all worth it, getting out in the snow.

:)

A nice cuppa coffee is what I want...

2007-12-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but there just seems to be either too much happening, or too little, both of which means that I couldn't think of what to post! My trip home was great, spent a lot of time with my family, a few close friends, watched SRK's bulging unnatural muscles, discovered that Shahid Kapur is not as kiddish looking as I used to think and can look quite "ogglable" (I know thats not a word) and lost a good amount of weight - so as to justify why apparently my friends on Facebook think I'm 'number 2 person with the best body' in my network! Lol! (And yes, I'd like to know who is number 1!) I also met one of the music directors of OSO in Mumbai, and it was nice to see that success still hasn't gone to his head! Not that I know Bollywood people too well, but I think they're basically all megalomaniacs or some such...

The funny thing about life is that it doesn't turn out the way you planned it... Take these 2 weeks that I spent at home for example.. they turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had planned... I wanted to meet this particular friend of mine, and just before I reached Delhi, he had an accident that had him bedridden for like 3 weeks.. things would have been so different had we met, makes me wonder about the timing! And I'd thought it would be the most hectic trip ever, but turned out to be the most relaxed, with no shopping and no meeting relatives!

I missed a cousin's wedding thanks to the best Indian Airlines service that just cancels flights at the last minute without offering any alternatives to the passengers! But that's just as well because that meant I could legitimately avoid all conversations that usually go like this "So, when are you getting married? Haven't found anyone in the US yet?! These days girls go after what they want, you should too! Wait, let me talk to my sister's husband's friend's nephew - very nice boy, earning lots of money, doesn't/didn't have a American or Indian gf [picture me rolling my eyes with a 'yeah right'!], and better still, he's also on the East coast - in Texas"! To which I'd reply, smiling sweetly "Thanks for your concern Auntie, but I'm not sure you're the right person to be doing any kind of match-making. Awww, don't worry about me, I'll find a nice boy myself. And Texas is at quite a (safe) distance from the East coast anyways"... hmmm.. thank God for the unreliability of Indian Airlines :)

Somethng that happened this time also made me realize that I'm such a bad liar! You know, lying requires lots of practice! For someone who is used to talking straight from the heart and usually either speaking their mind OR keeping shut (which does not tantamount to lying per se!), lying means getting caught in their own web of "oh god, what did I tell him?... oh shit, is that what I told her the last time? Damn!" - Results can be disastrous. Oh yeah. For example, someone you used to know can suddenly bump into you at the international airport lounge and have you fumbling to try to figure out what you told them the last time you spoke, and so whether you're going to Paris or to the US or to Timbuktoo - which one is the "right" answer?!

Anyways, now that I'm back, I've got enough time to think about Life, the Universe and Everything, take some time to figure out what I want (most importantly which car I want to buy) and devise ways to get my work done while avoiding walking, talking or driving in the snow. Ah, and yes, drink a nice hot cup of coffee.

Promise to be back with a more coherent and less cryptic post the next time!

Gold, Black and the whole ten yards...

2007-11-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

There was a Pittsburgh Steelers vs Baltimore Ravens football game last night.

Now, considering I was in Pittsburgh yesterday, I was naturally supposed to show allegiance towards the Steelers and watch the game! Hmmm...

Most of you who are in the US must have asked this question - why do the Americans call the sport FOOTball, when they aren't allowed to use the lower part of their body for touching or tackling the ball at all?!! It just doesn't follow normal logic, but then that figures. But anyways, I wasn't even able to follow the game... I don't understand about 10 yards, 20 yards, tackles, etc... the only thing I know about American football is from the movies, and that is that the quarterbacks are hot (and supposedly dumb), and the touchdowns can cause mass hysteria (pretty much like a Sachin Tendulkar sixer)... but that wasn't enough to keep me engaged for 3 hours, and so I slept. And they say cricket is tough to follow! Whew!

But that's the story with me and sports. I didn't watch cricket matches back in India either. I gave cursory glances to the sports news just to know who won finally, and the only match I watched live in my life was the Indian veterans against Pakistani veterans, and only because my Dad was on the team! And this attitude is after the fact that my Dad captained his state cricket team in 1971 for the Ranjhi Trophy! Tsk Tsk. So much for passing on genes.

The only match I really remember passionately about was during the 1999 World Cup. The match was between India and Zimbabwe, and Olonga had given away like almost 30 runs in one over. My Dad and I were watching the last over, we had just 7 runs or something to make, and both of us were like "Put Olonga on, we'll win the match easily"... Zimbabwe heard us and brought Olonga on... BUT, wonder of wonders, Olonga did a goddamn hatrick in that over, and the match was over for us!!!!! I still remember that we were both so shocked that we couldn't even speak, and just went to bed quietly... we've never spoken about it again.

Thats why I was suprised that I liked Chak De India, going by the fact that I don't particularly have any fascination for sports. I remember my parents telling me to take up some sport in school, and so I spent many hours playing softball and volleyball. But that was about it. I spent a lot of my time thinking of novel excuses not to go for P.T or games, and managed pretty well for a long time!

Today, however I realized the difference between being a sportsperson and not being one, if only from the perspective of how others see you. I had a tennis racquet in my hand today while travelling back from Pittsburgh, and there is this guy behind me while boarding who asks in interest, "so, you play tennis?" with a wide smile of appreciation. And I'm like "no, it belongs to my brother and I'm just carrying it back for him since he'd left it here by mistake"... and immediately there's a change in expression from appreciation to ummm... indifference?? It was unmistakable how he seemed so disappointed that I didn't play, that I wished I had!

P.S: Am going home* (to India) this Saturday, am soooo excited!
*updated thanks to zee's comment! :))

Where's the party tonight?!

2007-10-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Oh yes, today's the "special day"!! The day of reckoning has come, and I'm all ready for it!!

Oh no, no moping for me this year! Last year my friends had to drag me out of bed at 11:30 on Saturday nite and somehow make sure that we were somewhere in a nice club when the clock struck 12 and it was my birthday! And I spent the whole night sulking, and my "treat" was a (Rs 900) plate of chocolate mousse at 'The Grand' at 2 in the night! And then I moped that I am sooo old and half my life is over, yada yada yada!!

But none of that this year! I'm feeling great this year, ofcourse I AM one year older, but thats fine because I have a lot to show for it! I read in a book recently that people's lives are cycles of seven, with life changing every seven years and taking a new turn... so I thought about this...

The year I turned seven, my brother was born, and we moved into a new house which has been my home since then. Enough said :)

The year I turned 14 (actually just before my 15th birthday), I met my first "boyfriend" (as "boyfriendy" as they can get at that age!). It was the first time I had known what it was like to wait eagerly by the phone, waiting for it to ring! (I know, I know, I can see the pattern too!). I also faced death closely for the first time, when my cousin passed away suddenly. I spent a good number of days imagining that she was with me after her death, and it was the first time I felt scared of losing my loved ones.

In my 21st year (or a bit before maybe) I met someone who changed my life forever. When we met, and after we went our separate ways in life, I've never looked at life in the same way. It was also the year I met some of my closest friends today, the year I realized that long distance relationships were the stupidest idea (but ofcourse didn't learn from this mistake), the year when I stopped doing what was good for me and started doing what made me happy, and I now realize it was a bad move! But this was one of the biggest life changing years for me, changing my perception of life, friends, family, what I wanted from my life, what I felt about people, and how I felt about myself.

And now its the 28th year. I don't know what the next year holds for me, like I did when I turned 27 last year (as in, I knew I would be quitting my first job, moving to the US etc etc). I don't know what I'm going to be thinking when I'm 35. Hell, I don't know what I will be doing when I'm 35! My list of to-dos is still long, and thank God for that! I have so much to look forward to!!

So yeah, happy budday to me!! :))

P.S: Now that I have gone and declared my age all over the world, I feel awfully old! I think I must have now overshot statistics like "Average age of bloggers" or "average age of people with a life"! Lol!

P.S 2: Coincidentally, this is also my 100th post on this blog (if you include the many many drafts of posts I've never gotten around to starting/finishing)!! One more reason to celebrate! :))

From Spring to Fall...

2007-10-22T12:13:00.000-04:00

There’s a green, a faded yellow and a bright lemon. A deep maroon looks down upon me and a sudden bright red peeks out from the corner and surprises me. Sunlight falls on one and it lights up in a magnificent golden. There’s a mehndi orange, there’s a pumpkin orange and an orange the colour of mahogany furniture. They mingle easily with the tangerine yellow and the yellow the colour of corn… the rust gives way to the more assertive vermillion red, which overpowers the others… As I look out the window, there is a profusion of colours, each distinct yet existing in harmony… the number of shades on the leaves of all these trees is awe-inspiring! And even though the branches will soon be bare and look lonely, it seems as if they are enjoying the present in a celebration of colours and of life itself!

Fall is here. I moved here in Spring. I remember I wrote about spring, of hope, of blooming of life. It’s been 6 months since then. And with another milestone coming up in a week (those of you who know what it is, please treat this as a reminder that if nothing else, I want at least calls/emails!), I’ve been doing some self-analysis and have reached some conclusions… but that’s for later… What’s striking me the most right now is the mind’s ability to adapt to circumstances, situations, new places, new phases and new faces at rapid speed!

For example, I am amazed at how quickly my brain has adapted to driving on the right side of the road! In fact, the other day I was watching a Hindi movie and for a second I thought, ‘why is this guy driving on the “wrong” side of the road?’!

In 6 months, I’ve learnt to say “we” instead of “I” in office. For example, even if it was only me who worked on a document, I say “we drafted this”. This is the culture here, and I think it may be more of a CYA strategy rather than a display of teamwork, but in any case, in Rome, you got to do as the Romans!

Traveling at 85 km/h has become more the norm rather than the exception now! In fact, sometimes I have to speed up more to avoid slowing down someone behind me…

Standing in lines patiently, awaiting your turn is more pleasant now since I don’t have fat uncles or bullies who shove their way to the front of the line before me…

I’m drinking tea from a teabag, adding milk later! (God help me on this one! I’ve no idea when I got accustomed to this, but I miss the Indian chai like hell!)

I find it easier thinking in Fahrenheit than converting into Celsius and then figuring out how hot or cold it is or would be… (this may have something to do with my abominable math skills too!)

And in these 6 months, I’ve learnt that distance is a much bigger healer than time. It helps in coping with seeing someone online, for example, and yet not talking to them because you know it’s over. That it’s just as well that we are opposite sides of the world, so we don’t have to face each other and make it harder to let go. Yes, distance is a good thing. Like a Tylenol.

But, I still can’t adjust to this – how Americans have a name for every ailment that ever happened to anyone! They have a syndrome for every condition you ever thought of! The best yet is the ‘restless legs’ syndrome! And of course there’s ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder. And everyone is self-diagnosing it and shouting from the rooftop, I have ADD. I can’t concentrate on one thing for a long time. Hmmm. You need a spank, not a drug.

But I know I’ve become addicted to blogging more in these past 6 months than before as a means of expressing myself, sometimes as a means of self-discovery, sometimes for entertainment, sometimes to vent my feelings and sometimes to share my joy. And I know that you all have been with me through this ongoing journey, and I’m glad and grateful for that!

Because it’s been quite a journey, these 6 months. Quite like any other previously. It was different in Paris, different before Paris. But these 6 months have been a real mix of the good and the bad, intertwined so intricately that I can’t distinguish the good times from the bad! Which is just as well, because it means that it has all turned out good. Thank God for that.

Of sound advice, giggles and girls...

2007-10-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

A strong, long-lasting relationship exists between (most) teenage girls and Cosmopolitans (the magazine, not the drink)... Cosmopolitan magazine, if anyone has ever bothered to look past the cover, is heeped with an overdose of dating tips and "how to be a tigress in bed"! And while you are still in theory mode, and have no practice of being a tigress anywhere, let alone a bed, you consider these "rules" as sacrosanct as the fact that sparks will fly if you mix oxygen with nitrogen (the 'chemistry' pun very much intended!)...

So they tell you what to wear on a first date, how to flick your eyelashes at the boy (I'm too old now to be even using the word 'boy'.. at 27, you want a man!), what not to reveal about yourself so that he likes you (!!), how many days is 'normal' before the guy calls back after your date, what to do while waiting for the guy to call back, what to wear for the date etc etc... and then it throws at you the pictures of hot models you will never look like, so that you end up thinking, whats the point of reading all this, I don't look hot enough anyways! Hehehe... oh, the silliness of being 16!

And mind you, I was in a boarding school... reading Cosmo used to be a group activity, with atleast 5 or 6 girls huddled together, giggling incessantly at the descriptions of "positions", wondering how you will ever be able to twist your body around in that crazy way! I remember once we were going through an article which explained something about "how to turn on your man with food".. if I remember correctly, it involved (and I'm not going to be descriptive at all, so don't worry) the girl doing something with chocolate sauce, icecream and strawberries (!?!) - my friend shook her head disgustedly and very seriously said "There shall be no food on me"... it was hilarious!

Then there was the more "serious" advice on what to do when your best friend's boyfriend hits on you, quizzes that tell you whether you are giving enough space to your partner to grow.. important stuff this.. may have saved many a friendship and/or relationship! But probably the most (or the only) useful thing the hard-working, honest-to-God editors of Cosmo may have said to any young (or old) girl was that "don't stand by the phone waiting for him to call.. if you stop thinking about it, he will.. go out and divert your mind to make the time go faster"... hmmmm... any girl who has ever liked a boy who said he will call her knows what I'm talking about.. the wait could last 2 hours or 2 days, but its an agonizing wait nonetheless.

Tsk tsk. Years of sound advice from Cosmo washed away in one evening. Here I am, waiting by the phone (or in these days, with my cellphone tightly clutched in my hand), putting it on highest ring volume, jumping every time the phone rings, irritated that it's yet another Resort calling to see if I want to get free tickets to nowhere after attending their enticing presentation....

Sigh, when will I ever learn....

P.S: For all you curious cats, ofcourse I'm not going to tell you whose call I'm waiting for!

my latest crush

2007-10-09T16:29:00.000-04:00

Is not what you are thinking! I am already over the crush on a fellow blogger.. This one is going to be a more long term arrangement..

its my new ipod touch!! Am very excited about it..

This my first post written and posted through my latest love!

I love it! :)

Sprain affected brain...

2007-10-04T19:29:00.000-04:00

At least 3 of you asked me during the past two weeks if my sprain had somehow affected my brain and hand, and if thats why I wasn't writing any new posts.. Then I happened to read Y's post on how people don't write anything on their blogs for days (she probably didn't have my blog in mind, but it made me feel sheepish nevertheless!)... so I decided, no matter what depressing thoughts are going through my head (like how I couldn't go for my cousin's awesome party in New York, or how I can't wear my nice new skirt suit because it will look hideous with a big moon boot on my left foot!) that I will post something today.. luckily I have a this tag and this really old one I am supposed to complete, which is good since I dont have to struggle to think of any bright ideas of my own..

But I do have one thought of my own to share - do you think you can have a crush on someone whose blog you like? Or whose comments you like? Does that sound plausible or presposterous?! Or am I just going crazy sitting at home with this stupid ankle and an empty mind?! (Errr.. no don't answer this one!)

Oh, and the tags come tomorrow (.. or as soon as I can think of a middle name for myself!)

Blessed!

2007-09-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

As you may have guessed from my previous post, things haven't been going too well this week, and everyday something goes really wrong and I feel stressed and irritated, and like I said, provoked.

Today was one more such aggravating event... aaah, its not exactly the world's biggest emergency, but I happened to have twisted my ankle really badly and now am unable to walk around and have to be in bed nursing myself back to normalcy...

But I'll tell you why I'm not feeling aggravated, and not feeling like I'd throwing myself under a moving bus or something! (Because believe me, this stupid sprain has really bad timing!) It's because I've been blessed with these people who've taken great care of me! Thank God for small mercies!

This is how it all began.. I got off the bus this evening and was crossing the road to the other side to catch my connecting bus home.. there was a huge pothole kind of thing in the middle of the road that I didn't see and promptly, my high heeled shoes (there's just 1.5 inches!) caught in the middle of the freakin hole and my ankle twisted 180 degrees totally, and I lost my balance... luckily I managed to catch myself in time (by only some wonderful stroke of luck, due to which I wasn't looking like a total fool splayed across the road!) but I was knocked out of breath! Anyways, the pain wasn't that bad then and I managed to make small talk with the guy who came to help me... now this is very interesting... some sense of humour these people have.. I was just regaining control when this guy asks me "Are you Indian?"... I thought, fine time he's chosen to make polite conversation! But I answered yes, and he's like "Yeah... don't know how to walk in high heeled shoes, do ya?!".... !!!! Although I laughed right back at him and pointed to the offending pothole, I was bewildered by his joke! Hehehe... anyways, he's obviously not one of the people I was blessed with this evening, so lets move on...

I'm staying at a guesthouse right now, which is run by a young couple (lets call them J and D) who are really great people, very friendly and cheerful! There are other guests also, infact on Sunday we all had a barbeque and had a lot of fun talking and enjoying a nice fall day together! Anyways, I called J shortly after I realized that I couldn't walk 5 steps without getting paralyzed with pain! I explained the situation to him and requested if he can pick me up, because I just would'nt have been able to manage the walk from bus stop etc... he was so wonderful, he came right away! unfortunately I was waiting on the other side from where he parked his car, and my otherwise loud voice carried no further than 5 feet when I called out to him! He left by the time I wobbled to the other side at top speed, and then I found him 10 mins later on the side that I'd just left!! So ofcourse, more wobbling, panting, paralyzing etc took place but I didnt catch him in time... anyways, finally he called me again and picked me up, inspite of having made 3 trips from his house to the bus station already!

Back home, his wife took care of arranging dinner etc for me and making me comfortable... had the food delivered to me at the dining table, which is a rare or almost unknown thing here, especially for those not in the same family!

And then one of the guests came in... she'd been through this before, and knew exactly what to do... because there was nothing available at home right away, she walked to the nearest pharmacy and bought me an icebag and bandage, all of her own accord! Then she helped me with putting it on.... and finally, when it was time for me to go upto my room (it doesn't help that I stay on the 3rd floor!), she actually carried my laptop bag, my handbag and my shoes upstairs for me! And from nowhere, J produced a pair of crutches (he'd also sprained his ankle a few months back), and they both taught me how to use it... and slowly but steadily I hopped, skipped and jumped upstairs, and now am safely tucked into bed.. delirious because of the painkiller I was finally forced to eat, but happy to be resting!

And it makes me ever so grateful to see how much out of their way these literal strangers went for me! I am alone in this city, as in these people are not my friends in the real sense... we just met a week back! But I'm just so touched with their kindness, that I feel blessed! I consider that I could be totally alone, trying to cope with the whole thing myself (which I could do, but its miserable!)... but I have all these people to take care of me.. didn't make me miss my family for a bit, in a time of trouble!

And I thought people didn't care anymore. Misconception. Especially if you reach out for help instead of trying to do it all by yourself (I would in normal circumstances be too shy to ask for help, and would rather have taken the bus in agony than "bothered" these people).

Nice. The pain is there. But I'm not miserable. There is a God, somewhere! (everywhere!)

Provoked.

2007-09-17T21:50:00.001-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. That felt better.

Look at this photograph..

2007-09-09T21:58:00.000-04:00

Look at this photograph,
Every time I do it makes me laugh...
How did our eyes get so read
And what the hell is on Joeys head?
-- 'Photograph', Nickelback

The Labor Day weekend (a long weekend that just went by) was a lot of fun... caught up with family, got a nice swimsuit tan (only here can a tan be considered 'nice'!), learnt how to control a runaway horse and fell in love with a new city! Only downside was that I lost my mp3 player, and am getting withdrawal symptoms without music!

So I was uploading the snaps from the weekend, and remembered that Yahoo photos is shutting down, so instead of being my usual lazy procrastinating self, I decided not to wait for the deadline this time and transferred all my 1500 or so snaps to Snapfish immediately! Congratulated myself on acting ahead of time and checked whether all my snaps were properly transferred or not...

I remember, when we used to have to wait for photos to get developed at the local developing studio, the excitement of a trip or birthday or anything lasted longer.. you had to wait for days before you could see how good or bad the photos were, and how you looked (thats what matters the most, isnt' it?!), did you manage to capture the moment or not! Now (and God bless whoever invented digicams!) you can see the results straightaway, delete it, edit it, retake it till the people around you grow sore and start cursing you! But this also means that the excitement and memories of a trip lasts for a shorter amount of time because you've got it all captured, you see it, share it with your friends, comment on it maybe, and its all over in a day or so! One hardly ever goes back to see old albums uploaded, and the photographs are relegated to the background...

That's what had happened to so many of my snaps on Yahoo.. these were snaps I’ve going back to 1999, loaded with memories of the past few years, but forgotten.. When I transferred them this week, suddenly they all seemed new, and I found myself going through them with renewed interest! I spent the entire evening watching slideshows of the years gone by - from a visit to my school, my b-school, my first job training period, numerous holidays in India, Europe, birthday snaps, bungee-jumping snaps! So many wonderful (sometimes not so wonderful) memories that were refreshed, and it felt so good! For most of the snaps, I could even remember the exact moments at the time that the snaps were taken.... with each snap, I literally entered the scene of the snap and re-lived that moment..

Like the one snap I have with my old classmate, on the day of our 12th Std. farewell - I'm in a saree and he's wearing a dhoti, folded up to his knees! I still remember how we were laughing, teasing him about how hot his legs were (we used to walk by the tennis courts just to see him playing! haha, what idiots we were!), and he started to show them off by folding his dhoti.. totally cracked me up to remember that..

Or that snap of my entire team in Paris, we all look so happy together, million dollar smiles on everyone's faces.. despite the fact that just moments before some of the guys had had a huge disagreement on the yearly appraisals!!

And then I saw another snap... he and I, looking as if everything is hunky-dory, that everything was normal, pretending, and the camera captures only the serenity on the surface, not the turmoil that was going on in our minds! That we were awkward with each other then, we didnt want to admit there was something between us (because it was not practical!), that we hadn't even spoken to each other directly in more than 2 weeks, though we spent every single day together, laughing, eating, etc together! None of it in the picture, but all of it in some corner of my mind!

So many such memories, refreshed and re-lived! I wonder whether what I enjoyed was looking at the snaps or remembering the moment... is that what contitutes a memory? Not the mental image of it, but the feelings, the emotions, the people, the jokes, the situations etc associated with the image that makes up for a memorable moment!

This is why I don't drink!

2007-08-26T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heheheh...

Its because I giggle too much after one stiff drink,..

My feet dont go straight in front of each other when i walk

I find myelf standing in the middle of the road waiting for 2 racin cars to run over me!

I do salsa, as do some other fiends of mine, i the middle of the road at 12 in the nite.. or was it at 8 in the evening zee??? i dont remember much!

I laugh when others, equally drunk, cry in front of me! and then i find myself crying with them, laughing at the same time,.... huh?

I feel like telling someone that i'm high... my best friend laughs in my face and tells me to "enjoy it" (she did that today and the last time i got "drunk"... in Goa last uyr)

Aaah,,, but I dont like losing contrl...

Or screwing up my speelling or ounctuations...

So I dont drink... or drink only a breezer... or drink once in year...

Hehehe... shou;dnt have had that half a glass of mojito... nope....

Party like a rockstar!.... or not

2007-08-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

This post is about perseverance, and its rewards (or punishments, depending on your general mental attitude in life). Its about the great human tendency to aim at the sky and strive to achieve higher heights. This is a story about this guy who demonstrated a "never-say-die" attitude! Oh yeah, its an awe-inspiring story of he who dared, failed and fell flat on his face, but rose up from the ashes and tried again!

This weekend saw a considerable amount of partying… On Friday night my friend and I ventured downtown to check out the nightlife there… there’s an array of nightclubs in this particular area of downtown, ranging from latino to hip hop to reggae music… the clubs are also differentiated based on the crowd that gathers inside, like primarily Hispanic or African American and even homosexuals… interesting mix and loads of choice, like everything else in US! Anyways, we finally decided to go to the hip hop music club, a peaceful compromise because my friend didn’t know how to dance any Salsa and I refused to "getjiggywitit" (or whatever reggae music is!)!

When we were ushered in, the floor was packed with people “getting down” and doing the grind. Now, the ‘Grind’ calls for explanation… if you guys ever saw the program ‘MTV Grind’ (which used to be aired at like 11 in the night on Fridays because of its “adult” content), imagine a live version of that right under your noses! The ‘Grind’ involves a guy holding a girl by her waist with her back facing him, while she “grinds” against him, hip down! His role is limited to holding her in place and “enjoying the grind” while she’s supposed to move against him, and apparently that’s a lot of fun… Depending on how late it is in the night, the raunchiness of this entire “dance form” takes on monumental proportions, so that ultimately, somewhere around 2 in the night, the entire dance floor begins to resemble a huge orgy. I realized that no matter what kind of music is playing, the only “dancing” that happens on these floors is this grinding and bumping (A bit like the universal bhangra in India?). And the most important thing is that most of the couples are strangers! They just met on the dance floor - sometimes the girl doesn’t even know who she is grinding till much later! Hmmm… alcohol can make dreams a reality I think.

It took a lot of getting used to this new dance form, with everyone looking like they’re literally having s*x on the floor… so I decided to maintain eye contact with the dance floor and do my own non-grinding, “normal”, at-arms-length dancing (Oh, how I missed good ol' Punju music then!).

In the midst of all the “fun”, my friend and I noticed one desi guy standing around on the periphery of the floor - carefully checking out all the girls, meanwhile forming a game plan in his head – a ‘how do I get to dance with a girl tonight?’ plan. Specific targets in mind were the non-suspecting Caucasian girls. He was there with a few guy friends who were also scanning the crowd with similar intention.

Suddenly, about 15 mins later we found this guy clinging onto a girl who was at least a 5” 10’ in height, big-bodied and looked like she could swat him like a fly! Because he was, in contrast, only about an inch taller than me, which made him a whole of 5” 6’ at the most, and also very skinny! But you’ve got to admire the guy’s strategy – "I'll just cling onto a girl who won’t be able to find me for at least 5 mins, in which time I've got what I wanted… errr… danced with her".. He basically wanted to imitate the “lucky American guys” doing the grind. Aha! Now, if you want to do the grind, at least learn how to do it right first! Instead of standing straight and letting her do the moves, this guy assumed that just because this looked like s*x on the dance floor, it actually was s*x on the dance floor! So, he held her tightly with her back to him and began to move like what can only be described as a horny dog at the peak of mating season!! If we had not collapsed with laughter, we may have tried to warn him that his moves were inviting trouble! Of course, the girl was very quick on the uptake, and realized there was someone behind her who didn’t know jack shit about what he was doing (or did, depending on what you think were his intentions!) and she ran, and I mean actually ran with her girl friend to the absolute other side of the floor, leaving this guy in the middle of his self-deception.

You’d think he’d learnt his lesson and would then slink into the periphery again and adhere to the “you can look but you can’t touch” policy, but no… he was persevering, demonstrating a great never-say-die attitude which may have gotten him through very crucial situations in his life, and applied it to the task at hand – “I want to dance with a hot chick”. So, right before our eyes, he proceeded towards another group of girls, waiting for his “chance” standing behind them, and suddenly grabbing them… every time they realized what he was doing and turned to look at him, it resulted in either fits of giggles and a scurry across the floor, or a disgusted expression and an almost physical push asking him to get away!

We began to feel bad for him after this happened for the fifth or sixth time, but I mean, you’ve got to admire the guy’s shamelessness! His admirable one-pointed focus on what’s got to be done – he has to tell his friends back at home that he literally “made out with a hot American girl”, carefully omitting the embarrassing parts in his “report”! We wanted to stop him, saying “Please stop humiliating yourself and us, by association”, but we couldn’t get ourselves to stop laughing, so talking coherently to him was out of the question. I also think he was drunk out of his mind, and don’t think he would remember the next morning what he subjected himself and others to! (At least not for his sake). It is important to note that this guy’s friends had disowned him sometime during the virtual orgy he was indulging in, and he was found alone later in the night, lurking around a group of girls, hoping to “get lucky”! Needless to say, he was packed off home alone 5 mins later.

I have only one thing to say after this entertaining yet harrowing (coz the image of this guy is stuck in my head!) experience – I love Bhangra and the Orange Room! :))

P.S: Pls don't crucify me for writing about this gentleman, I just couldn't keep this story "inside me" for long!!

That meeting with a stranger.

2007-08-14T18:25:00.000-04:00

August 1997:

She sat at her assigned computer at the internet café, drafting painstakingly one of her first emails. She wasn’t used to typing yet, so it was difficult to think and type at the same time! So she had written down a long letter to her friend, the only one amongst her friends to have email then, and was copying it out on the computer. He sat at the computer behind her, meanwhile watching her intently. She noticed it; you know how you can sometimes feel someone looking at you, and you suddenly look in their direction? She looked at him and he smiled, pleasant, nothing strange about it… just a friendly smile, and then a mention of not being able to type and think at the same time either! That broke the ice, and conversations followed. She came to the same internet café everyday, and he was always there. They talked, and soon phone numbers were exchanged. She wasn’t used to this though. She never spoke more than necessary with strangers, her inherent distrust of people always stopping her from revealing much. But it didn’t feel odd to talk to this boy, who was older than her, and looked mature enough not to misunderstand her friendliness. And of course, 17 was a wonderfully reckless age, so a little bit of risk seemed ok. They spoke for hours, and though she quickly realized that there wasn’t much common between them, she continued to speak to him, or rather to listen to him. He was always more serious than her, he had family problems that he spoke about, though she hardly confided much in him… he started to look to her for advice, but she wasn’t sure what would be a right way to handle the situation.. she was mature for her age, having been through a lot in life already, but telling someone else what to do and being responsible for their actions was not something she could easily deal with… but she tried her best, thinking “he’s my friend now, I got to help him”… and then one day, he dropped a bombshell – he said he had blood cancer, and that he had very little time to live. Her first instinct was that he was doing this to get sympathy, there are people who would use an illness to gain the sympathy of someone (you see it in movies all the time!)... but then she realized he wasn’t faking it. He did look considerably sick when they met again after a month or so… and he said his family had abandoned him… he looked to her for help…. But what could she do? There she was, suddenly amidst the chaotic life of a stranger who was relying on her to make him happy when he was on the brink of death…

She thought - What kind of a friendship was this? It’s not necessary that friends should share everything, or have everything in common, or always be together.., but friends should be equal, if nothing else. One may need the other more, but the friendship should be both ways. She was not emotionally attached to him in anyway. She knew, though this sounded awful, that she would not miss him if she never sees him again… Yet, death was not the way she wanted them to part. She was a very sensitive person, who took everything to heart, and identified very closely with other people. So his pain was pain to her, though not personal. She felt as if she was a passive participant in his destiny, like her role was to help him make his days more bearable. This role she donned voluntarily, but it was an emotional strain that took a toll on her… she found herself crying on her pillow, thinking about how difficult it was for him, how such bad things could happen to someone who was good. And most importantly, she felt as if the energy in her body was drained out every time she spoke to him. She felt like someone was sapping the life out of her, and she was tired.

They met again one day, and she somehow knew that this would be the last time. He didn’t say he wouldn’t call, but he didn’t. He used to go home every fortnight, and he would usually call her when he returned. But he didn’t. Not this time. Not again. Not ever. He simply disappeared, leaving her bewildered, yet, she admitted to herself, somehow relieved.

It was like an emotional rollercoaster of 2 months, and then suddenly a vacuum. She wondered why they had met. She wondered why she felt like this was supposed to come to her, like she had a debt to pay to him in some way, by carrying his emotional burden for him for a while. She wondered why a complete stranger came into her life, and a situation was created in which she was the giver and him the taker and they both went through hell, and then suddenly someone said “Oh, the give and take is over; go on, get on with your life”. He had made no (visible) difference in her life, yet she knew she had made a difference to his. A small one, at least.

Ten years later, she asks – why do we meet strangers - those not connected to us by blood ties, or school/college ties, or work ties, or any ties? Why do we interact with some and don’t interact with others? Why do we feel a connection with some and don’t feel it with others? Why do we sometimes feel like a messenger or an unknown (and/or unwilling) participant in someone else’s life?

And she finds herself thinking about him today – did he get well, was she taken for a ride, did she do enough for him, and why it all happened?

That meeting with a stranger.

P.S: Happy Independence Day :)

P.P.S: Question to Nutty – don’t you ask yourself ‘why’ sometimes? (Ref: your post on May 19th)

Stories from last week...

2007-08-08T18:07:00.000-04:00

"Are you married, single, divorced, widowed?"

"Single"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Ummm... no..." (With the Indian upbringing, I'm still wondering why the question is being asked.. I'm SINGLE, psycho!)

"Are you trying to get pregnant?"

"Hell no!" (Eyes popping out at the horrifying suggestion)

"Ok, don't get pregnant in the next 6 months"

"I don't foresee the danger of that happening" (Goodness, stop already!)

-- Thats my conversation with the new doctor I went to visit last week. I was thinking the whole time "I have an earache for God's sake, what does this have to do with my being pregnant?!!".. Its an American thing, I noticed, that even if you say you're not married, they ask you pregnancy related questions... ofcourse you can't take anything for granted here.. in India, you went for a blood test, they asked "Are you married?" You said "No", and they peacefully moved on, avoiding any questions relating to marital status.. comfortable... answering 20 times whether you're pregnant or expecting to be pregnant is hell of a lot more awkward than I could imagine!

Other laughable situations this week included spelling out my name for the girl at the counter at Blockbuster videos... I said "Its spelt as Are You See Etch Aye Kay A" and she's like "ruc-what?" "Etch" "What?" and she looks at me like I'm some non-english speaking illegal immigrant from a 3rd world country where they don't teach how to pronounce H correctly. My cousin pitches in, she goes "Aetch" "Oooohh.. you mean H"!!! Yeah, you dim-witted moron, H... you should be glad I wasn't saying "hetch"!

But accent I realise is a matter of habit.. If you don't pronounce words the way they're used to listening to it, the above situation repeats itself everywhere.... so you have to end up rolling your r's, "Do I have the time? Oh yes, its eight-turrrty"... Pretty soon you're talking to your parents with the same rolling rs... damn. Well, atleast I haven't pronounced fast as fayst yet, so I'm glad.

Anyways, in other significant little achievements (which I've told you I will start celebrating), I've declared myself a "sober chocaholic" :) I can now look at a rich dark chocolate brownie with hot melting chocolate sauce poured over it - without devouring it the next second. Its an attempt to get my ever increasing mid-riff in control! Cheers to that!

Also this week, I finally watched 'Serendipity' in an attempt to find out what everyone is so ga-ga about! I had tried to watch is once before, but had to shut it off within 15 mins, disgusted as I was with all the mushiness (it didn't help that I had a broken-heart to mend at that time)... This time, with renewed enthusiasm, and since my heart is now in perfectly good shape, I watched it, and managed to see it to the end. But, I still don't know whats so great about the movie! Its not exactly the Dr. Zhivago or Gone with the wind of romance, and its based on such a silly idea. And worst is, many of us are trying to find our own 'serendipity' in our own little worlds, thinking someone somewhere is "made for us".. Like an SRK-Kajol movie, complete with gazing at the clouds and imagining soulmates... Jeez!

And the song thats been stuck in my head the past 3 days - "Pom pom pom pom pump up the jam!" (--Partner, 2007) Hahaha! Its too funny! :))

Come away with me...

2007-07-29T23:32:00.000-04:00

From the time that laptops came into the market, I’ve thought about owning one and keeping it handy for all the times that I traveled and wanted to write my thoughts down… for years, I’ve been imagining myself on a train (anywhere – long distance train journeys are almost identical everywhere!), looking out the window, taking in the landscape, and having at the same time a means to capture it forever… And today my dream’s come true… at this particular moment, I’m sitting on an Amtrak, headed on a south-bound journey across the East coast… and I have my laptop on my lap (!) to accompany me - finally.

But you know what I am realizing now? I’m actually spending more time looking down at my monitor than out of the window! So I’m missing the very moments which prompted me to want a laptop handy in the first place! Oh well, you know what they say - “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it”!

But I’ve got a lot of catching up to do on Blogger so I’m going to take some time out to tear my eyes away from the window and live my little dream :)

Recently, Nithya 'gave' me the “Thinking Blogger” award and she wrote something very nice about my blog, which surprised and pleased me! And according to my new philosophy (which I started following at 7:00 AM this morning), I’ve decided to love myself enough to celebrate the little things in life, so cheers to this thought and this small yet significant achievement!

I’ve also got a lot of other thank yous to say because Zee tagged me… she’s got the devil in her for sure, for putting us all “ees” in this predicament!

But now since I have the time, let me start with first saying thanks to the people who thought of putting sockets next to the seats on this train so that there’s no danger of my laptop running out of battery while I ramble on...

[Oh, just looked out the window - the fog has cleared and New England can now probably be described as a painter’s delight!]

And thanks to -

All the books, novels, travel channels and magazines for giving me the opportunity to experience the world sitting in my living room…

K sir, my 8th standard class teacher, who showed me that joking and having fun doesn’t necessarily mean you lose the respect of the other person…

H, for being my closest friend for the past 15 years and for making “distance” the least of the problems in sustaining a friendship…

R, for being thoughtful and taking the time to send me snail mail and real gifts in parcels across continents, in times when we all usually make-do with e-cards…

[Btw, have you guys heard John Legend? He’s got a voice like rich melting chocolate, which makes you feel warm and light-headed! I’m listening to his song “Ordinary people” right now… Maybe I should thank him too!]

K, for being like a sister I never wanted, but am eternally grateful to have!

C, for not leaving me alone on those nights when I was upset and cried buckets!

My bro, for being very stringent with his appreciation, so that when he nods his head in approval, you know there’s truth in it…

[I’m thanking more than 8 people/things, if that’s ok with you all! I think I'm on a roll here!]

S, for teaching me that first impressions can be totally misleading!

Pink Floyd, INXS, Nickelback, Jagjit Singh Kabir, U2 and many more, for creating lyrics that can move mountains!

Sudhamadhav, my 7th standard classmate, for drawing a pencil line in the middle of the desk we (forcefully) shared and never allowing either of us to break that boundary, not even with a stray eraser or scale! And thus, I knew the exact description of men-to-be-avoided-like-the-plague. Forever.

[Oh, I know whats missing in this landscape outside - there are no cattle grazing in open fields!]

To ‘Annual Sales’ that make frightfully expensive out-of-reach stuff affordable! (I recently bought a pair of flip-flops from a very elite brand, which originally cost $30, for $3.44! I don’t know who’d buy a pair of chappals for 30 dollars anyways!)

The really hot driver on my bus route, for reminding me of what it was like when things were simple and we would just have a crush on each other!

[You know you’re approaching New York when the afore-mentioned scenery changes to high metal cranes, unfinished construction sites, blue orange and grey coloured buildings, dirty abandoned plots of land and walls covered with graffiti. Oh, and of course the downtown Manhattan skyline.]

Our helper at home, who knows how to make a perfect cup of challu chai. And who has cared for our family for more than 25 years.

[As my journey comes to an end, I should finish this post and start gathering my stuff up]

And I want to thank my Mom and Dad, but I think this space is not enough to write down the many many reasons I’m grateful to them…

True to my nature, I’m not going to pass on this tag to anyone, just like I don’t usually forward chain letters. Sorry about that.

[FYI, ofcourse the world is not totally high-tech yet and so they still don't have wireless on trains... hmpf... so much for "real time".. so obviously, I'm actually posting this hrs after writing it down]

When I grow up...

2007-07-19T14:55:00.001-04:00

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a family here in the US whom I’ve been staying with these past couple of months… I have 2 cousins here, and while I can relate with the older one (who is 10 yrs younger to me), the younger one takes more of an effort to understand… I know, there are girls my age who have kids who are going to school by now... so I should be better with kids in general, given that such is the expected thing from girls anyways, and because I’m “at that age”, whatever that means! Anyways, yesterday I was having this “family bonding session” with the kids when we started talking about what they wanted to do when they grow up… Given that I am already “grown up” I wasn’t allowed to add my own dreams to the conversation, so I sat there and listened to them, all starry-eyed and full of ideas as they were, and sat back and thought about what it was like when you still had many options that you could choose from! And decided that if the kids won't listen to my dreams, you will! :))

I think my very first memories were of wanting to become a police officer! I think my parents were discussing Kiran Bedi one evening… I was so taken up by the whole idea of fighting for justice against the wrong-doers and the woman power thing that I was all in favour of becoming one hell of a dynamic police officer, fighting my way through corruption and crime and helping turn around the world, or atleast the country, or atleast my state… hehehehe, ofcourse then I grew up and realized what a distant dream this was.. and I know my parents breathed a sigh of relief…

Then later, I wanted to give my life to fighting for the environment such as the likes of Medha Patkar, working for the cause of saving this earth! My school was responsible for putting this idea into my head, no one else. They encouraged us to stop using plastic bags, taught us about recycling and biodegradable versus non-biodegradable waste, showed us how to make compost pits (many a Sunday afternoons were spent hauling wheelbarrows full of cow dung from the dairy farm near our campus and food waste from the dining hall!!) and made us aware of the possible repercussions of having MNCs take over all our indigenous industries. Oh yeah, that’s my school. And that’s way back in the 90s, when it wasn’t a “fad” to do this! And no it wasn’t brainwashing either, they didn’t force us to boycott Pepsi and Coke - we just did so, you know, being young and all adrenalin-charged like! (P.S: No we weren’t involved in the vandalizing of KFC in Bangalore, in case you were wondering)… Anyways, I still remember one time I ordered Thums Up at a restaurant while I gave my family a lecture about how Coke/Pepsi should be thrown out of the country, when my Dad politely pointed out to me that Thums Up was a Coke company product, smugly smiling as he turned the bottle so I could see that indeed it was! In time of course I realized there’s no money in fighting for the environment, so I left it at that. However, to do this dream justice, I still to this day avoid using plastic bags, don’t use the A/C so I don’t add to the ozone layer depletion directly, and always recycle whatever I can.

And the last and possibly the most passionate dream I had, and one I still think of pursuing sometime in my life, was of becoming a dancer… a full-fledged dancer in a troupe or individually, doing stages shows, going around the world performing, creating and then basking in the audience applause… dancing till it hurts, dancing till it becomes enough to live on, dancing till I reach nirvana (reference to the Sufi style of meditation)… And its this one that I can’t let go of, its this one that I truly regret not having pursued, its this one dream that nags at me every time I meet someone who has had the guts to follow their heart and be true to themselves…

So, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up?

If music be the food of life... play on!

2007-07-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

I’m a pampered girl, I think… I’m used the good things in life like living in comfort and having access to basic amenities (defined as a stereo system, TV and a clean bathroom)… so when looking for a place to live in, I don’t mind paying a few extra bucks just for the comfort, cleanliness and niceness! My philosophy? - After all, what do we earn for?! Why do we slog our heads off the whole day if we can’t come back to enjoy a nice home? Not that I can’t live in difficult conditions, if I have no choice! And I can do so without complaining, unlike many people who crib and crib and give you a headache after a while (does not refer to anyone in particular)…

So when I moved to this new city, I decided to spend a few extra dollars to get myself a nice apartment which I can call home… and (barring the cat hair that I’ve already spoken about earlier) it turned out to be quite a delightful place! It’s clean, well furnished and has the most awesome speakers, all courtesy the girl whose rented the place to me (while she’s gone to Cornell to attend some summer conferences). It even has an A/C, which is a real blessing even this side of the seven seas and makes up for no TV… I have to dwell on the speakers for a bit though, to explain to you just how big a part music plays in my life (after all, the title of the post is related to music, so its best I come to the point soon!)…

Last Monday was one of the worst days of my life in a long time, in terms of how awfully wrong things can go and how badly Murphy’s Law can kick in… At the very outset of the day, I forgot to take my cell with me when I left for office… Then when I remembered my cell and came back home to get it, I missed the bus returning towards office... So had to call a cab, ended up spending too much money getting to office to find that I couldn’t work... My new laptop crashed at the first instance of being booted and I spent most of the day explaining the issue to tech support… In the evening, the bus was 15 min late, which is unbearable around here… Back at home, my front door refused to open, and I struggled with the rotten key for 10 min! Finally when I stomped in and settled down to heat some dinner for myself, the glass pot that I had kept on the gas plate shattered into a million pieces due to the heat and took my home-cooked dal with it! (Hey, don’t tell me the obvious… this was a Pyrex glass pot, it was supposed to withstand high temperatures!) And while I was trying to get it off the gas, the napkin got burnt and the whole kitchen smelt terrible (needless to say, both glass pot and napkin belonged to the girl who’s rented the place to me!)

So I slumped myself into the easy chair and let out a long sigh! What a day I was going through… I was scared of touching anything else in the apartment lest it falls apart! And then I happened to look at the speakers mounted on the wall in the living room… I think, oh, these speakers may be working! I quickly connected them to my mp3 player and switched them on…

And they had (still have, touchwood!) the most amazing bass ever! I’m talking about Altec speakers which can make even the most mundane sound seem unearthly! A sense of relief flooded me, like some magical Cheering Charm (yeah, I’ve caught the Harry Potter fever too!) was relaxing me and easing out my stress… I closed my eyes and let the sounds seep in, increased the volume to fill the whole apartment, unmindful of my neighbors and enjoying the moment… And I’m a great one for dancing around in the room with the music blasted… So I did just that… I pranced around the entire apartment doing my when-no-one-is-watching moves, utterly unconscious of the open blinds on my windows and possible onlookers! I totally forgot my pains of the day, the shattered glass, the lost home-cooked meal, the burnt carpet (did I mention I also burnt the carpet sometime during that day?!), etc, and was completely lost in the moment, immersed deep in the rhythms of my favorite music!

Anyhow, I’m sure this experience is not unique… so many people I know de-stress with music (though they probably don’t dance around like loonies)… But it’s only sometimes that you understand the true potential of music and its importance in your life… And since today was another one of those mindlessly-long-meetings, missing-bus-connections day when I came back home in a really bad mood, but was magically and instantly cheered up with the nicest line up of songs on the radio (seems like the host knows me so well, she’s been playing all my fav numbers!), I felt I just had to write about it…

You know, just to pay my respects!

P.S: While we’re on the topic of homes, I recently saw a sticker which read “So this is not Home Sweet Home... ADJUST!” … totally cracked me up!

Of new places, old friends, new people, old habits

2007-06-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

I have only just begun to comprehend my dependence on a computer for running my life, and making things happen!! The past couple of weeks I've shifted to a new city for a new job, into a new apartment, with a new boss (might I add, a very cute/hot one! - I know there is one person who doesn't think 'cute' and 'hot' can be used interchangeably, but what the heck! I believe he doesn't bother to read my posts anymore anyways! But before I go way off point..)...

I've been without a computer.. this whole 2 weeks, except for one hour last Sunday! And I only realised it now how much my life depends on having access to a computer - right from checking bus schedules, finding eating places, finding a place to stay, keeping in touch with friends, checking my blog, checking the temperature.. I've forgotten what life was like before computers took over! There was a time till just after school that I used to write real letters, and I didn't need to be "connected" all the time.. its apparently long gone..

Anyways, long story short, this explains my absence from blogger, this time! (Because I realise I've been 'absent' many time in the past 6 months or so!)..

But the time has not been wasted... I've met atleast 3 interesting people, one of whom is a theology student who, once I got her past her question "are you allowed to wear jeans in front of your family back at home?", turned out to be a good conversationalist! Ofcourse, there's my new manager who's very hot, very friendly, and (I'm hoping) doesn't realise I'm looking at him and getting naughty thoughts!

I also met an old friend after 10 years.. actually I met 2 old friends, separately, both my classmates from school.. but one of them lives in the same city I just moved to, and so he's been a real nice guy helping me around and stuff.. we were'nt great friends when we were in school, just hi bye basis.. but thats what I wonder about.. unless you couldn't stand to look at a person while in school, most of us share some kind of bond which helps us reach out to each other in times of need! So, for no other reason except that we were classmates and that we didn't hate each other, we're hanging out with each other, and agreeably so... even the other classmate I met, I don't think we would've talked that much in all our 4 years together as we did that one evening! Strange! And why I wonder about this is that before I met them, I was apprehensive.. what will we talk about? Theres so much happened since the last we met.. but it turned out alright..

Anyways, I also moved into a new apartment, and I spent the first evening only vacuuming the place.. not because it wasn't clean, it was actually spick-and-span! But because the girl who rented it to me owns a cat! And though the cat and the girl are gone for the moment, the cat hair remains... hmmm.. also just realised how icky I feel about cats.. I didn't know how strongly I shudder every time I think of touching something with cat on it.. sorry cat-lovers.. don't even tell me how they "earn their love" and all that... they're plain icky.. !

I have a lot of nice things to say about the city I've moved to.. Rhode Island.. but in a later post..

Cheers to me to be "back in civilization" a.k.a having access to a comp again!

Update: Also met an interesting and very hot guy randomly at a cafe, who asked me if I liked American guys or Indian guys, and I said "I like you".. hehehe.. I'd say this was definitely an interesting week :)

From American Idol to Sa Re Ga Ma Pa!

2007-06-01T14:01:00.000-04:00

Its the journey I was afraid I may have to take!

Let me introduce you guys to my uncle - my mom's younger brother - whom I'm seeing for the first time in 15 yrs.. so he's missed my entire teen years, the rebellion years, the formative years, the mellowing down years, the responsible years and finally the mature years (not to be confused with hair-turning-grey years).. so he's kinda missed the part of life when you form your own opinions, blossom from being influenced by your parents choice to being influenced by the latest youth icon's choice! So, he has no idea what influences have shaped my taste in music, books or tv serials!

So the thing is this, I love almost any kinda music that has a decent beat and rhythm, and doesnt sound like kitchen utensils banging against each other (so therefore we rule out hardrock)... and like any other normal person I know, I listen to both English and Hindi music, and sometimes Tamil stuff too! (courtesy having studied in a school in South India, where Roja music was preferred to be heard in Tam than Hindi).. apparently, thats not the same here, in the US! I'm not saying my cousins are desis who've never heard an English song in their lives (which btw sounds very snooty anyways!).. but they're hardly exposed to the stuff that we've been exposed to India.. I know one of my cousins doesn't know who Jim Morrison is (was).. it is a sad day this..

Anyways, getting back to the point, I was more than a little surprised when I came here to find that my kiddie cousins knew more about Saloni (forgive me Zee, but its just not the kinda stuff I'd want my 13 yr old to be watching - what with the jealousy, murder plots and wicked-looking big sisters!) than they did about me! And the family huddles around the tv every Friday (which is today, which is what prompted me to write this post) to watch Sa Re Ga Ma Pa devotedly.. and post show, an in-depth dinner-table analysis of each and every singer, judge and host is done (as if everyone's life depended on who won!)! Ok, I agree I had about the same level of devotion to watching American Idol back in Delhi.. I wouldn't miss Weds and Thurs shows if I could help it, and right till the time I came here, I was totally abreast of Antonella's bold pics, Sanjaya's mowhawk hairstyle and Simon & Ryan's little disagreements on live tv... and now when, if at all, I finally find which of the 1000 channels on tv is hosting the show, and settle down with a satisfied smile to watch the Americans fight it out, I'm faced with a barrage of opinions on how bad English music sounds coz they just seem to be shouting (which I agree they sometimes are!) and how the whole system is rotting! And after a while, I give up, turn off the show and watch safer options like 'Hannah Montana' or 'Spongebob Squarepants' (for those in India who haven't seen or heard of these shows, its ok, you haven't missed much)...

Well, its not all to say that my uncle is steeped in Indian traditions that he hasn't broken loose from in the past 20 years in Amreeka.. when it really comes right down to it, he's nothing like the traditional conservative person he jokes around to be.. but its entertaining nonetheless to have him beat down high-school proms, online chatting, rock music and kissing scenes in Hollywood movies! Not that it affects me in any way (I'm a grown up girl remember... I've already made my choices, good or bad!) - except that I'm going to be spending yet another Friday night watching Himesh Reshammiya get sentimental and shout to justify his song choices (and himself)...

So much for my journey to the "heart of the Western world"!

:))

P.S. No family members were harmed during the making of this post.

Its a beautiful day!

2007-05-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

Spring time! A time of hope, dreams, action, jazz in the afternoons, 2-hr lunches, romance in the air, long drives, breeze and sunshine!

I never really knew the true meaning of spring till May of 2005, in Paris... when it was all my friends could do to stop me from running out of office or my apartment to kiss the air, spreading my arms out to look up at the sun gratefully, thanking it for being out and making everything so beautiful... like every single cell was filled with sundrops, shining and being given a new life! People around seemed nicer, my boss's list of tasks seemed less daunting, and music played in my head the whole day!

Today's one of those days, again... I'm sitting in my room with its semi-French windows showing off an amazing view of the large lawn and small wooded-area beyond, a few deer grazing peacefully at the back, leaves of the tree in front of the window blowing gently in the light breeze; there's a gentle presence of the sun lighting up the scene, a play of light and shade... I'm reading a book which coincidentally describes springtime in Scotland, and I can visualise the entire landscape and it transports me to an imaginary place...

And suddenly, a particular song starts playing in the background on my laptop... I haven't heard it in a while... my mind drifts to some thing, some one, some day and not imaginary... it takes me back to a time when the day was perfect, the company was perfect, the setting was perfect... only that it was just a little out of bounds then, and totally out of reach now... a perfect day in March, the one day which wasn't cold, the sun was out, the weather was warm and sunny... a wonderful panorama of Paris from the top floor of the eiffel, a lot of laughs, a breeze blowing gently to comfort us, a little hope, a lot of smiles, a little spark, a lot of holding back... a boatride on the perfect afternoon, a little dancing, a little jazz, a little of Notre Dame passing us by, bells chiming, a little of Touleries offering a romantic walk together... only, it was prohibited... and we were aware of it... a smile of acceptance that this is just for today and tomorrow's a different story... a memory forever... hands reaching out, catching ourselves just before they touched... knowing that the story is to end here, but it started here just now... knowing that there is no past and no future, only the present.. a gift maybe? Enjoying the romance in the air yet not being a part of it, eyes meeting to acknowledge that this is one of the best days of our lives, but its only one day, a few hours, and then you go your way and I go mine... and later, a call to say thank you for the best day ever, but not saying what that really meant...

Spring can do that to you, you know! And today's just one of those days, again...

Light pink cherry blossoms... they are all perfect..
-- The Last Samurai.

A little girl, still

2007-04-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

There are some things in this world that make me wide-eyed with wonder and excited like a 3 yr old kid... and 3-D movies, Little Mermaid and Killer Whales top the list right now!

I've just got back from a vacation (as if I'm not already on one!) in Florida, where I spent the past 4 days basking in the sun, sitting by the poolside listening to Jazz music, sipping strawberry daquiries which were unknowingly spiked with Vodka, relaxing in the jacuzzi in our suite at this great luxury resort (courtesy my v. rich aunt!) and walking a few miles (!) inside the ever-so-famous theme parks, getting from one ride or show to another...

And I re-discovered the little girl in me... This would be my 3rd time at Disney.. I had been there once before when I really was a little girl, and then once in Paris exactly 2 yrs back (how time flies!).. but I realised that every time I watched the fairytale characters of Little Mermaid, Snow White and Cindrella, and more importantly their v. handsome 'Charming Princes', it gets me as excited and goose-bumpy as when I was a kid and really believed in the 'one day my prince charming will come and we'll live happily ever after' story! Unfortunately, I can't say I've wisened up now..! I still get all starry-eyed when I see these characters, like I did at the Disney Parade.. hehehe.. Mr. Walt Disney really knows how to sell dreams!

The Killer Whale show at Seaworld really had me too.. the interesting thing is that when I was a kid, I had visited the same Seaworld and watched the famous 'Shamu' show.. I remembered there was a really tall glass enclosure inside in which the whales swam, and the whales themselves were gigantic... I realised this time though, that my memory was relative to my size!! The "really tall" glass enclosure turned out to be actually just a little more than 4 feet in height, and the whales looked less gigantic and more realistic this time.. I was amused at the fact that I remembered it just like I had seen it.. BIG! But I've got to say that dolphins and these killer whales never fail to amaze me.. They are not only beautiful, but also so intelligent! Not just because they can be tamed or trained, but because they look like they have real feelings and really understand what they're doing! I thought only dogs were like that!

Oh and not to forget the 3-D movie we saw... It was a short 20 mins movie called "Honey I shrunk the audience".. a spoof on the movie "Honey I shrunk the kids".. and I was just totally amazed at the effect 3-D has on the movie-watching experience! When nothing happened for the first 5 mins, I was like what the hell, this 3-D thing is no great shakes.. and then suddenly out of the blue, the "rocket" on screen burst into flames and it was amazing how we all thought the shrapnel was coming straight at us and we ducked instinctively! And then they showed that there were rats in the audience, and we acutally felt creepy crawly things against our legs and shoulders! Totally had us freaked out and jumping out of our seats! I'm sure some people may have watched movies in 3-D before, but this was my first time, and I couldn't help but marvel at it like a child!

So yes, if you think this post has me gushing like a kid at the marvels that sell dreams all over the world, you're right.. I dont want to be a logical, rational adult in these moments.. I want to let go and be a child again, and wonder!!

I've often wondered about...

2007-04-22T14:57:00.000-04:00

Whether Faith is weakness.. whether believing in a higher power who guides you through life is a matter of low self-esteem or there really is something to back it up... I wonder about this because I believe I have real faith... I'm not fatalistic, but I have faith in the saying that whatever happens happens for the good.. I have faith in my Guru... no, he's not performed 'miracles' like making things appear from thin air or making things disappear in one touch.. but I have faith, and tremendous amount of it, in the fact that he's taking care of me... and I have faith that whatever is happening in my life, I can't see the broader picture, but there is someone up there (or anywhere for that matter) who can.. he sees the bigger picture... and so the things that you can explain, the things that you can't control, you just leave it up to faith.. you do what you have to do, and leave the rest upto your faith that things will get better, and that there is a (solid) reason why something happens to you...

I have nothing to prove that faith, except that I believe in it.. and have believed in it for so long that I can't remember life without that faith... So then I ponder, is it my weakness that I want to double-check my life constantly with some 'higher power', or is it that such a higher power really exists.. I'm not advocating that someone on earth is God, I'm not propounding that one should blindly believe in what is not apparent... but then when one is educated, has a fairly reasonable 'thinking mind' and then one believes in concepts such as faith, God, guidance - then it can't just be lack of faith in oneself... afterall, 'God' isn't a person who you can talk to, God is an experience.. you experience the presence of a higher power through your life, if you watch close enough...

I'm wondering about all this because there are times in my life when I sit back and wonder about why certain things happened, why my life has been so tough and yet there has always been a silver-lining with every problem that came up... and my faith is reinforced after this...

But, I still have nothing to prove it..

Upside down!

2007-04-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

Am blogging from another continent today.. in the days since my last post, I've travelled across the seven seas, as they say, and entered a new phase of my life! Like I've been saying on my blog since New Year's - 2007 is a year of changes, ups and downs and hopefully some settling down!

I've been here like 4 days, and its not hit me yet that I'm not at home.. you see, it really helps to have family who can take care of you, feed you dhoklas, upma and chapatis so that you feel "Dilli door nahin"! I'm eating, sleeping and surfing the net all day - just like I did at home! And to top it all, they're trying to make me watch 'Saloni ka safar' or some such soap on Zee, which I never even watched at home! And God help me, if I ever do end up watching it, I know I've been converted!

Anyways, since its weekdays and everyone's working, I haven't gone out much, so there is no shell shock - yet. Ofcourse there is the usual getting used to the different time zone and weather.. But there are some things that I always knew about, yet when I have to face them in reality, my mind boggles!

I mean, for starters.. there is such a thing as 'too quiet'!! Ok, I lived in South Delhi's relatively quiet, "posh" area earlier, so its not like I am not used to screaming vendors and constant traffic all the time.. but I did wake up every morning to the incessant honking of the DTC buses on the main road nearby, I did wake up to the constant chattering of the maid who came to mop and sweep the house, and my mom's daily chatter with her.. I did wake up to the pleading of my helper at asking me to drink my morning tea before it got too cold, I did wake up to the blaring sound of early morning news on TV.. And I did sleep to the sound of loud punjabi music on loud speakers playing in the park near our house when the wedding season was on!

Where is all that?!!

I haven't heard a single noise from any car nearby, ours or otherwise! No one listens to the TV at a blaring loud volume coz its so quiet everywhere, you CAN hear the tv at lower volumes! No one comes barging into the house everyday to clean up and talk (as if talking is part of the job description of a maid!).. No one understands the goodness of a chaloo chai (the one made from Red label tea leaves and not Lipton tea bags).. and no one seems to be around at all!!!! Today was the first time I heard the door bell ring in 4 days! I didn't know what the sound was for, till my aunt got up and opened the door! Hehehe.. Its so quiet, I can hear my own breathing!! And I feel awfully guilty about even trying to listen to my CDs coz I feel it will cause a raucous in the house! Imagine, my little cd player! :))

And ofcourse, the switches are all upside down, they drive on the wrong side of the road, they have names for all the roads, and they have huge spaces of land in between their houses which my Indian mind considers a waste! Hehehe..

Oh well, ofcourse one gets used to it :) There is nothing like driving on wide open roads at good speeds, rather than tackling Delhi-Gurgaon traffic on NH8 every morning..

But.. someone just give me good old noise!! :))

Life is...

2007-03-29T03:59:00.000-04:00

Possibilities we didn't explore

Opportunities we didn't take

Moments we didn't pause

Promises we didn't make

Truths we didn't dare

Lies we didn't share

People who didn't care

Dreams that were

Dreams that weren't

Searching

Defining

Moving ahead

Stepping back

.... And a fine lazy afternoon, listening to Jazz, reminiscing, looking forward, taking a deep breath...

And just being...

Make time to live, a little... *

2007-03-23T14:53:00.000-04:00

Damn! Its really been a long time since I last blogged! With many a people subtly and not-so-subtly reminding me of how I am wasting their time of visiting the blog and not finding anything new, I finally decided to stop making excuses (Z's heard the most classic one - "I hate my keyboard at home, and so I prefer to spend minimum time typing anything on it!") and get down to it!

So its been a very long time and of course many many things have happened since the last time I posted my random meanderings.. not the least of the events being my going home, and discovering my ancestral roots in deep rural India, and some more..

"Home" can be best described as a small city/big town, just like any other non-metro in India.. tropical high humidity hot climate place... with LOTS of insects!! Its like a bloody breeding ground for all varieties of creepy crawly thingys! And one of these decided to attack me! No not one, a cpl of these! I mean here I am, peacefully brushing my teeth, my eyes open just a slit.. at 11 in the morning and I'm humming to myself when suddenly I find this freakin' frog just below the sink.. its poised to leap at me any moment, looking at me with this dreamy and bored expression meant to throw me off guard because it was actually very alert, studying my every move... I stifle a scream (its a flying frog for christ's sakes! I am allowed my moment of feminine outburst!) and start towards the bathroom door and it moves in the same direction... its a disgusting piece of yucky god's creation and I dont want it anywhere near me! But.. but.. there is just no escaping these creatures man! They are smart, quick and high-spirited! So it leaps at me, flies through the air.. I do some of my own flying around, jumping out of my skin and hoping out of its way too, but no.. eeeaaawwwww... it landed right on my hand and I felt my skin crawl with disgust! Oh god.. I have no idea what happened next.. its a blur... next few moments are a blur and god knows I prefer it that way!! Uuugghhh!! Hmmm... I hate these insects... !!! Why do we have to have them in this world?!! Eeaaw!! Needless to say, our helpers at home had a hard time thereafter.. made them catch and kill that little creep! Sorry if I sound heartless.. I just dont see why they should be left alive to scare innocent harmless going-about-their-work-peacefully kind of people like me!!

Anyways, with that horrifying experience behind me, I ventured into a small journey to our ancestral house in a village (this is really a village, and not just when compared to Delhi!) about 100 kms from home.. and it was lovely!! The expansive fields, abundant tree population, hills in the backdrop, the play of light and shade amongst the trees... our ancestral house... old time, vintage, charming, little bit in ruins and little bit restored... heaps of hay stacked in the large fields in front of the house, villagers living a truly natural, healthy life in the way only rural India can, untouched as it is by the fast-food fast living culture of metros... I loved every bit of it... the simplicity as well as the homeliness, the feeling of continuation, the delight of discovering the simple and interesting ways of the village... marveling at the way a small field in rural India grows food for millions of people every single day.. how this small crop here translates into food on someone's plate... I was enriched by every moment spent there!! Of course I'd seen rural life closely while in school in South India... on some weekends, our teachers used to take us to the nearby villages to familiarize us with their way of living... so this trip was not a surprise, but a very gentle and pleasant reminder... of what we may have lost in our journey towards industrialization, modernization and globalization..

So.. now I'm back in Delhi, enjoying my time back in civilisation (as some of my Delhiite friends would love to say!) before I shoot off into a whole new world..

Here's a passing thought to muse on - Can you miss someone when they're sitting right in front of you, enjoying a cuppa coffee together, talking about everything under the sun except what you really want to say? Or is it just super-sentimental me!?

* Make time to live a little
Don't let this moment slip by tonight
You never know what you are missing till you try...

-- 'Save room', John Legend

If you wanna be rich, you've got to be a b*tch..

2007-02-19T03:47:00.000-05:00

Warning: This is a very very random post, written becoz I have so many random things to say, and no one thought is possessing me like it usually does.. its either 'coz I just can't think anymore as my head is all muddled up, OR my life has become so boring I have nothing interesting to talk/write about.. but before this post becomes about self-pity, let me return to randomness..

A shot of inspiration is all I need, but my mind is too full to soak in anything!

I think that if we all have even one person in our lives who will stick by us through the worst days, we should feel blessed and thank that person.. or marry them! Hehe.. :-)

What happens when you are faced with a situation where you can either get rich, or be happy.. what would you choose?

I just don't get how getting stark drunk and letting a random guy feel you up and maybe take you home can be fun, and how you can face yourself in the mirror the next morning.. Maybe I'm being judgemental, but where is the dignity in that?!! In the name of modernization, is it necessary to throw yourself at random men and feel 'liberated'?! (Again, no personal judgement, and I don't know anyone who is like that.. this thought just came from what I always see in TCs every time I go there!) (Ofcourse I am talking from a woman's point of view becoz I am one!)

One French guy told me the other day "I can't believe how guys holding hands or dancing with each other is not considered gay in India".. and I told him "I can't believe men kissing each other on both cheeks twice every time they meet is not considered gay in France"! Touche, I'd say :)

I can't figure out why what others think about me is so important to me! Why do I feel the need for validation so many times!? And on other days, I rebel and purposely brush aside this concern and do whatever I want to, irrespective of what others say!

I can't make up my mind whether meeting of minds is more important than a bank balance..

I loved the little beggar girl who stood in front of my car at a redlight crossing, with her hands on the car's headlights warming herself up on a chilly evening.. her eyes were innocent.. still.. I hated the other little beggar girl who first told me how pretty I looked, to extract money from me, and then when I refused to take the bait, she spat at my car window and walked off giving gaalis.. innocence lost - for need?

I rely too much on my intuition, but it almost always works.. I also pride myself at recognising people and seeing through them... I don't pride myself for the way I can't pretend to be like them when its not in my nature..

People tell me I'm very frank, and don't say and mean two different things.. yet others tell me that I'm difficult to figure out becoz I don't let anyone know what I really think (I thought the correct term for that is diplomacy?!)... Some think I am arrogant.. and yet others think I am very down-to-earth! Which one of these am I? None of the above, All of the above or 2 out of 3, etc etc?! Where does this so-called journey of self-discovery end, if it ever does?!

In our fast lives, we don't put on the brakes often enough for ourselves.. to do something for ourselves only.. this week, in the middle of a hectic schedule, I got half an hr to myself, suddenly.. I was to pick up someone from the airport and reached earlier than anticipated, so had to wait for the flight to arrive.. parked myself at the new free parking zone (bless them who thought of this!) and enjoyed half an hr of good music on the radio, good weather and good cuppa chaloo chai :-) Very nice..

I can see that someone is falling in love with me, and I want to stop him before he gets hurt.. and I know how to, but just don't have the heart to do it..

I just found out that my ex-bf is married and living with his wife in London.. and it doesn't matter to me at all! Its like getting to know about a stranger.. and that feels good! Its surprising that for someone who meant the whole world to me at one point of time, means nothing to me anymore.. nearly nothing!

Hmmm.. on that positive note, I am going to put an end to this arbit post... till later!

P.S - Some of you may recognise the title as a song played at Capitol the last time we were there..

You are not the first one..

2007-02-05T08:44:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many of you have faced this dilemma - to tell or not to tell about your previous relationships (not counting the numerous flings) to someone you are serious with.. so what is this obsession that people have in general with being "the first one"?! In today's world, who ever didn't have an ex to talk (or bit*h) about?! Who is a saint?! Why is it even saintly to have stayed single?! Oh, and lets not even get into the whole virginity debate!

But anyways, recently this colleague of mine had just broken up with his gf, who also works in the same office.. so ofcourse people know about the affair and even go to the extent of basing annual appraisals on this fact (dont ask me to explain!).. but anyways so the whole world knows.. and now the poor guy is getting "proposal enquiries" (totally new concept for me, who had never heard of such a thing)... prospective in-laws "enquired" about this guy in office and ofcourse got to know about his previous affair, and consequently did not proceed with the proposal any further.. no one wants their daughter to marry someone who is mad enough to have ONE affair in his whole life!!! (Its ok, its natural, don't shoot me).. In the end, the guy gets neither this girl nor that.. I think he is doomed to never get married (atleast in the arranged marriage way!)!

So what was his fault anyways?! That he loved someone and intended to marry her and she dropped him like a hot potato as soon as she found better options?! Will he ever find someone who doesn't care about his previous 'status'? Ok, everyone likes someone at some point of time, and for the lucky ones, its a mutual liking.. so at the defining moment, why does one hesitate to tell the truth? That yes man, I did have an affair before.. yes I loved someone, yes I wanted to marry him or her, but it didn't work out and now its ok! That I'm over the whole damn thing and will someone pls let me move on with my life?!

Hmmm.. so many questions and I cant find the time to put them all down in this post, but its a thought.. and esp for women, the social stigma exists even now! Why?! So ofcourse you don't want to get married to a casanova, but should that make you scared enough not to confess to that old relationship back in college? Do you even have to tell someone about it? Should it be discussed between couples?! I wonder..

First of many...

2007-01-18T12:37:00.000-05:00

I began 2007 on a slightly pessimistic note, apprehensive of the changes it will bring for me personally and professionally.. but one is usually afraid of the unknown.. I was afraid of the known! Well.. the mystery is beginning unravel.. the hazy shapes are beginning to take form, and the first of many tough decisions has been made - today.

We shifted into a new building at work this Monday.. I don't like the new office or my desk here, but its a change, and change is always refreshing, if not necessarily comfortable... I didn't want to leave the previous office because its where I first started working, and its been my office for the past 3 1/2 yrs! Ok, 2 yrs (not counting 1 1/2 yrs when I wasn't in Delhi).. so its got memories.. lots of them.. long coffee breaks, walks around the garden, the "parties" on the terrace where people ate samosas and watched the others dance and make fools of themselves, where the HR organised musical chairs and people ran around office chairs looking like 2nd std. kids prancing around! Its where I started with working 16 hrs a day and grew up into a "lead", implying my work hrs and work load reduced considerably... where I liked to walk up and down the labyrinth of stairs, where no one staircase was directly connected to another! Where the library was a place you could actually consider hanging out in, and where we had many "talks" in the amphitheatre and the only audible thing would be people's cellphones ringing off with different bollywood songs!

If leaving a building can cause so much "heartbreak" for me, imagine what leaving my first job can do! Ok, technically this isn't my first job, what with various summer internships etc where I got my "first salary" and blew it up on gifts! But this is my first job in a real career.. This is my first company.. and its tough... to first make the decision, and then to actually abide by it... and today is the day.. and it feels weird.. I am happy, excited, yet sad.. given that I am such an emotional fool, I do actually attach a lot of importance to the friends I've made in office, some of whom are my closest, most trusted friends.. I attach importance to my bosses, whom I have learnt a lot from, who have taught me to be patient, to manage work, to understand deadlines, to even learn office politics!! I attach importance to the respect I've earned and the pride I feel when random people from the team come to me and say "we were told u're the best person to tell us about this!"... And, there is a great amount of comfort that one develops with the people whom one has managed to stick with for more than 3 yrs! In this day and age of fast moving jobs and quick bucks, I'm one of the few people in my college batch who has actually stayed with the same company I joined with from campus! And thats coz they have given me a lot of rewards, and so thats brought out my loyalty for them! I've learnt a lot in these few yrs, and I've been lucky in getting what I wanted almost before asking for it! So, decisions like the one I have made today are not easy, but like I said earlier, 2007 isn't going to be an easy year for me!

But the first of a series of tough decisions has been made, and today is a milestone of sorts... lets see how the rest of the year unfolds!

Balance sheet..

2007-01-02T07:23:00.000-05:00

This is the time of the year when most people are trying to make and eventually break their new year resolutions, some may have taken a moment to consider the events, personal or otherwise, past year, and some may be wondering about what the new year holds for them.. the TV/radio channels can't stop the rewinds and fast forwards and countless top 10s or 20s.. and many of us are probably swamped with the supersitition that whatever we do on the 1st will be what we do throughout the year.. so we try to pack in everything into the first day of the year, try to be at our possible best, and do as many things as we can before we fall down exhausted..

This yr, I've broken all the traditional ushering of the new year.. hell, I hardly even wished anyone happy new yr when it was 12 in the nite.. atleast, no one that mattered.. I didn't spend the whole day doing things I would like to do for the rest of the year.. I just stayed tucked in bed and watched tv the whole day! (Ok yes, I agree, I dont mind doing that for the rest of the year either if someone would just pay me for it!).. but it was too bloody cold!! (Those who live in sub-zero temps currently should not snigger, coz you survive on central heating!).. and, I didn't watch a single countdown, top ten or rewind program coz its pointless.. and I esp didn't spend any time reminiscing about the new year that has just begun..

2007..

I know what is in store for me this year.. almost month by month.. so I feel no excitement.. its not going to be a happy year, in broad terms.. its going to be tough making several decisions this year.. decisions that I/we have been conveniently procrastinating till absolutely necessary.. lives pulled apart, people I have known since the time I could have known anyone parting from us, distances increasing, people hurt.. some very concrete, real problems coming up for me, personally and professionally...

But, there is also some unknown.. some hope, I guess.. there is always hope.. and that's what makes me smile... thats what makes me wish myself a happy new yr, even if I sound pessimistic and wonder whats happy about it... 2006 has by far been one of the best yrs of my life.. actually 2005 was the best yr.. but 2006 was no less.. or may be I just have a short memory and so things, good and bad, don't linger too much in my head and overall I always think the year was pretty good!

I know I sound frightfully pessimistic in some parts of this post, and would probably scare some people into thinking there is something very wrong with me.. but it isn't so.. its just that.. oh I don't know.. I don't have to justify my posts do i?! For once, I am not putting any disclaimer.

The old (nicer?) me is not dead (yet)

2006-12-26T04:35:00.000-05:00

This long weekend has been one helluva a rollercoaster ride, socially speaking... it just means I've "got a life", as my friend Zee likes to say.. so its been a weekend of meeting old friends, new friends, old crushes, some new ones.. the number of cups of coffee I've had this weekend, bitter, sweet and fattening, I've made up for all the weight I'd lost in all these months! Hehe...

So anyways, the ex-bf is in town these days... we all (our mutual frds and us) met up for drinks last evening... was good fun catching up, given that we're comfortably in the "friends zone" now.. I am not sure whether all the awkwardness can ever go with an 'ex', but I think we're getting there! So, cpl of hrs of catching up with his friends who we used to hang out with when we were going out, and with our mutual frds (batchmates from college) followed... Anyways he was walking me back to my car when he said something that sent my mind on this trail of thoughts leading back to the days when we were going out.. what he said was simple "why are u flicking your hair about so much? it looks fake!"... ok, I never actually realised the nice new hairstyle I've got (yes Zee, I know its not very noticeable, but its there!!) makes me flick my hair so much! But my mind, overworked as it is (if any of you have read my post 'a parallel life', you'd know what I am talking about), was racing towards the simple question "have I changed as a person?".. what did he see me as then, and what am i now? what were the things that he "saw in me" then.. have they changed, if yes, then for better or for worse??

I used to be simpler (not by nature but by appearance!!), unpretentious and very blunt... and my friends will vouch that I am still all those things... wearing high heels and more stylish clothes doesn't make me pretentious, it makes me hot! Hehe.. I used to be so much more impatient with people I didn't like, and now I am calmer and react little less often and less vehemently! I never spoke more than was necessary and required for the situation (no, it doesn't mean I was boring!) - in short words, I never bullshitted anyone... and do I do tht now? Have I started trying to be someone I am not? Hmmm.. No... I don't think so... am still the same.. just the package has probably changed a bit.. and I think for the better! Get me in a bad mood some day and you'll know I haven't changed a bit!!

Well anyways, I wonder how subtle changes appear in a person and can go unnoticed.. many times when we make statements about other people, we are influenced by our own personality, our own circumstances and how much probably we ourselves have changed..

Ok... I will not ramble anymore.. I'll just go get another coffee to keep myself awake in office...

Disclaimer (as usual): I know some of you reading this are the ones I am talking about in the post.. so just to say that this is not an "issue" its just a random thought in my head that unfortunately I just had to put down in words! See now this is why we need anonymous blogs!! Hehe..

You do it too!

2006-12-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

Since my last post, I think I have been thinking about this whole 'games people play' thing a lot... and somehow the events in my personal life for the last 10 days or so have been such that I had to actually write this - "you guys love playing these games too!! you guys just llluuuuuuvvvvv the blow hot, blow cold thing, don't you?!!"

We girls aren't the only ones... mirror images.. like some people said on the comments on my last post... men and women just play and counter-play... and I am back in the game after a long time when I didn't need to play it coz I had what (or whom) I wanted...

But what you guys can do, we girls can do better! So am up to it.. go ahead.. do your thing.. ! :-))

Sadist?

2006-12-09T01:54:00.000-05:00

I was watching a movie last night (which one is not imp, esp coz I dont know the name!).. and there was a scene where the leading lady comes to apologize to the "hero" for turning him down... She likes the guy but there was a misunderstanding becoz of which she said no to him.. and that makes him go into a shell of his own, building many walls around himself.. the scene went like this:

She: "Am sorry and I really didn't mean to hurt you"
He: "You didn't"
She: "Oh!"

You know, the "oh" was so potent! It was almost like she was sad that he was not hurt or didn't admit to the fact that he was hurt! Like she wanted him to be hurt, because that meant that he cared for her.. and when he said no he wasn't hurt.. she was disappointed.. disappointed that apparently she had no power over him! That she could apparently not make much of a difference even with a No in answer!

If I think about it.. we girls are a lot like that... we're little bit of hypocrites somewhere.. we don't want to say yes, we don't want to say no.. we may at some times take pleasure in watching him writhe in pain by our words and actions, and then do something sweet later to make up for it.. to have the satisfaction that we could have some control over the other person.. We like to get the attention, and playing a game.. but where do you draw the line? Where do you cross the line between controlling the other person and hurting the other person? Do you really want to? Does it make you superior by having power over the guy? Does it make you a better woman?!

Why do we play these games?

(P.S: I do not claim this as a generalisation for women, neither do I necessarily put myself in the same category.. but this is just an observation.. nothing more, nothing less)

Holy cow!

2006-11-29T23:21:00.000-05:00

So these days my aunt has come over to Delhi from the US on work... typical to most people who have stayed in the US for more than 25 yrs, she loves soaking up the religious side of Indian culture when in Delhi.. she does not miss the food, the roads, the shopping, the noise or anything, but loves to dive deep into the realm of the ritualistic heritage of India whenever in town.. in a way whenever she comes, she helps us reconnect with our roots.. which is odd, yet true..

Her unbounded enthusiasm for rejuvenating the spirit and mind brought us all to decide that we go to Banaras for the weekend.. not as a religious yatra, but just to see what Kashi, the holiest, oldest city of India is like... seemed like an adventure, so we were game..

I've been to couple of cities in UP before, like Agra and Lucknow.. but Banaras turned out to be different from both these cities.. I can't say whether in a good or bad way, but definitely different..

Ofcourse the most distinctive feature of Banaras is the ghats.... and I tell you, judging by my two day experience there, its def the best feature as well.. all else is downhill from there.. anyways, the ghats being the trademark of Banaras, they turned out to be as good (or bad, depending on how you look at it) as made out to be in all those travel serials on Star and Discovery! What I found interesting is how organised the place actually is, despite the cluttered and in-shambles look it has! The pandits operate based on clearly defined territories.. there are ghat pandits, kashi vishwanath temple pandits, shamshan ghat pandits etc etc.. all adhering to their marked areas, and all co-operating in bringing each other business! This was apparent when the ghat pandit encouraged us, in more than subtle ways to visit the kashi vishwanath temple as well.. and when we reached there, he promptly handed us over to the temple pandits, and the rest of the while acted as the overseer of the group... One ought to learn "Best Practices in Management" from these guys! Reminded me of the pandits hounding people at the Puri Jagannath temple.. I don't think they were so organised though.. most of the time they were in-fighting on who should take group where!

Much to my chagrin, or embarrasment mostly.. one of the pandits asked me generally if I was married.. on my replying no, they promptly proceeded on showering blessings on me for a good marriage, getting good husband, rich and settled and what not, and wished for me things like "when you come to kashi again, we want to see you with sindoor and your husband" !! Assuming for themselves without any prompting that the only reason why a young unmarried girl would visit a temple is to get herself a good husband!! And ofcourse in return of their (unwanted) blessings, they expected a whole load of cash falling into their hands, and although they were not rude, they were quite vocal if they found the amount meagre (according to their standards).. "Beti, aap to itni badi ikcha poori karne ki maang kar raheen hain, aur badle mein itna thoda bhagwan ko de rahee hain?".. Yeah right! I don't remember praying for a good husband, and 300 Rs is NOT less for anyone! But all the same the whole thing was amusing more than irritating, and I just went with the flow of the things.. walked around a tree, walked around couple of statues couple of times, bowed my head for blessings, rang the temple bell, got the tikka done, ate the parshad, drank the holy water and put it on my head (to find later that my hair felt matted and straw like where the water had touched it!).. all with an amused smile on my face on how strangers were so worried about my marriage whilst my family and I sat back and watched (the money flow)..

Ours is not a traditionally religious family, so this was a bit of a religious revival of sorts.. no point resisting it anyway! :-) The evening aarti was truly nice, though not as good as the one in Rishikesh... after the aarti, we decided to take a late night boat ride, and guess where the boatman takes us first? To the "24*7 shamshaan ghat"! Ummm.. no, I don't want to go.. so my bro and I decided to sit this one out while my mom and aunt decided to get a closer look! I mean, with due respect to the departed souls, watching bodies burning was not a touristy, or religious thing for us! So we both sat back and contemplated on life.. in other words, took snaps and watched someone shaving his head on the banks of the river..

I have got to say though that watching the sunrise while sitting in a boat at 6 in the morning, with people I love, was one of the nicest and most sublime moments (of the trip, of my life, of something, I cant really say).. ofcourse the spell was broken, or maybe added to the uniqueness of the experience, whne we turned around to look at the ghats and found innumerable people in different stages of undress, taking dips and swimming and praying in the waters... the spell was def broken when we realised how dirty the water was on the ghats side, so we had the boatman take us to the other bank, which was relatively cleaner and less crowded.. you know, now I know why they say your sins will be washed off if you take a dip in the Ganga.. ummm.. coz the water is so cold and its such a torture, that you beg God to spare you and promise never to do a bad thing in your life again, if this is the course for repentence!

There is a lot more to say about Banaras, like the traffic which consists of scooterists, rickshaws, cycles and autos only (mainly), and no one follows any rules and where "everything misses everything else by centimetres" (in the words of my wise brother!).. the fact that the jalebis there were one of the best I have ever tasted.. that there is just so much dust that I sneezed the whole time I was in the city.. that its damn difficult to understand what the paan-eating junta there is saying, that the rickshaws are SO cheap, you feel guilty giving them so little... and there are no good banarasi saree shops in banaras! But I'm going to stop..

Usually, at the end of my posts a song comes to my head... and I quote it.. this time, only the temple and aarti bells ringing early morning at 6 on the Ganges comes to my mind..

Tonight...

2006-11-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

... My heart is breaking...

... But.. it gets easier every time...

This too, shall pass..

What would you do?

2006-11-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

For the past few days, a strange thought has been coming to me.. when I look at some news channel, or read something, I wonder about what I would have done in a similar crisis situation... how would I have reacted? Would I give up my life to save someone else's?

Lets say you were in the following (melodramatically hypothetical, I admit) situation:

You are attending a party with high-profile guests, and suddenly someone suspicious hands you a bouquet (this particular 'scene' comes to my mind obviously due to watching too many hindi movies).. and you realise that there is a bomb in it (bear with me on this one!).. and your first instinct ofcourse is to either throw it as far as possible or leave it some corner where no one suspects anything and run from the building as fast as possible.. but that action would mean endangering lives of other people.. what would you do? Come on, we are no heroes, we are ordinary people.. what would we do? If you KNEW you would surely die if you stuck with the thing, would you voluntarily endanger someone else's life trying to save yours? Or would you hesitate, just for a moment? Would you "sacrifice"? or would you escape and try to live with the guilt for the rest of your living days? Would it be called selfishness to dump the damn thing and run? Would it be cowardice?? Or self-preservation?? What would it be termed as by the media, by your family, friends? Would that matter?? Will these thoughts even cross your mind when you are faced with the predicament at that time?! We are after all ordinary citizens, we don't have stuntmen to make us look good.. so would we??

Ok, given that the above scenario is a little bizarre (or is it?), what would you do if you were a witness in a murder case? Would you testify?

What would you do if you were rushing to the airport to catch an urgent flight (not postponable, according to you), and someone meets with an accident right in front of your eyes.. would you stop to help?

What would you do if your closest friend in office and you are both up for promotion, and your boss asks you which one of you should get it?

What would you do if you knew someone in your family committed a murder (under whatever circumstances, other than self defence)? Would you turn him/her in for the sake of the truth, or would you lie to stick by them?

Yes, all these questions are very relative and will depend on what exactly the situation is... but you know, they say that the true nature of a person emerges under a crisis situation... so hypothetically, if you just thought about it.. which way would you go?

What would you do?

"Your true nature is what you do when you think no one is watching you"
-- Someone obviously pretty wise (don't remember who)

"You look just the same!!"

2006-11-11T08:07:00.000-05:00

Toooo many people have said that to me after seeing my snaps on Orkut!!! My classmates, juniors from school.. all seeing me after like 10 yrs!! My friends from college, even those I knew from like the 4th std!!

Is that good or bad?!! Have I stagnated, or is it great to be still looking like I'm 18?!!!

Hmmm...

Its time I hid my age!!

2006-11-03T01:38:00.000-05:00

To quote a friend, "no one bothers when you turn either 26, 27 or 29.. when you're a woman, and single, and working.. you're just 'old'!".. hehe.. !! That thought rang through my head the whole of this Sunday, all through the glorious day which reminded me I am yet another year older, probably half my life is already over and I haven't got much to show for it!!

I spent a large part of the day chewing on that, between calls where people of course reminded me of how old I am getting and how I should be married by now (what is this Indian obsession with marriage anyway?!!)... According to my g'dad, on each birthday, one should spend 5 or 10 mins in the day to 'take stock' of where life is going, where it has gone, what we intend to do with the rest and whether we are satisfied with what we have already done with it in these last few yrs... and here many of us prefer to drink the day away, preferring to let the day go by in a daze rather than facing reality..

Was also reading someone’s blog and from there I got the idea, should I make a mental (pun intended) checklist of what I want, and what I have?

"Naaaah.. I don't want to be disappointed" - that was my first reaction..

But then I thought, why should I be disappointed? I am perfectly happy with my life as it stands today, and the way I have lived (most) of it.. This time, the grass is greener on MY side!

Sure, there are things that I still haven't done, places I haven't seen, people I haven't met but thats ok.. if I do everything now, what will I do for the rest of my life?! I count myself amongst those who have seen a lot of life, been places, had a lot of exposure.. few are lucky enough to have families which give them all the freedom they require at the given age.. so one doesn't feel like a bird flown from a cage when one moves out of their home for the first time in their life (like so so so many college kids who literally flee from home and end up misusing their new-found freedom!)... and especially for girls.. of late, I have come across many women who do not still have the freedom to make their own choices, even after having worked for a few years.. when I see that, I thank my stars that the only reaction my parents had when I told them "I am going to Paris for more than 1 yr" was "Oh cool.. now u'll learn how to cook!!"! :-)

Moreover, there is only more to see in this world, and one can never say "Oh, I've seen enough"... so there isn't any point in me sulking and thinking "my life is over".. I swear, there were times when I thought thats it.. looking good, feeling good and doing good is all a matter of only being in the twenties (initially <25).. but then as I grow older, I realise the more 'mature' one gets, the more groomed one becomes... and leading a single life is more hassle free than having 2 kids bawling near you 24 hrs a day and husband demanding attention as well! (God bless those who can manage this.. am happy for you!).. but thats just not me.. I have other dreams for myself.. and I find that people (some people atleast) get intimidated by ambititious women..

Anyways, I do realise that I am making a lot of generalisations.. but mostly I am addressing those questions which tend to bring up insecurities in someone like me.. thankfully most of my friends, men and women, do not confer to this attitude... but I have to admit I was pensive on my b'day, wondering what this year holds for me.. What was ringing through my head was that 'hiding your age' was something only your mom and her friends did! So when I realised that I better start hiding mine too, for self-preservation more than embarassment, I was like "Whoa! How old am I?!!"..

But I finally decided that it's not been bad at all, and that I still have a lot to look forward to as well.. my checklist, if I were to make it, would mostly be checked! So, the concept of 'living a fulfilling life' has not evaded me, and I am sure it won't in future either...

Cheers to that!

P.S. Pls don't ask me my age, coz I am going to finally start hiding it! But.. I am not THAT old yet either! :-))

Nimbu parantha and other such delights!

2006-10-18T01:26:00.000-04:00

Bustling traffic, rickshaws, people running helter skelter... 50 wires attached to one electricity pole and running along the top of the numerous shops.. smell of ghee tickling your senses from a distance... traffic at a complete standstill for more than 5 mins at the redlight, in which time pedestrians zig-zag through the rickshaws, autos, scooters, an occasional car, trolleys to get to the other side of the road.. little bit dirty but not filthy... foreigners takings pics, sitting on rickshaws pulling them through the narrow galis.. colourful lehengas, sarees and dupattas in bright fuschia pink, yellow and turqouise blue (sometimes all in one saree!).. narrow and steep staircases running up to little rooms tucked away in corners of the building, hosting a range of sarees, jewellery etc... old uncles with potbellies negotiating on the order price of lehengas with glowing and pretty bride-to-bes.. the bride-to-be's eyes sparkling with pleasure on seeing that one diamond set that will steal away the evening! groups of people sitting cross-legged on the mattresses in the shops, drinking chai, brides, buas, mausis and mas conferring with each other to choose the right colour, embroidery and workmanship... men running after prospective customers with visiting cards saying "behenji, dekhengi to foren le lengee yeh sarees".. salesmen assuring customers in full-throated confidence that "aise cheez aur kaheen nahin milegi" whilst the next shop has the same thing and probably for less! and little children scuttering around, chasing each other and hiding in dark corners.. young kids taking orders from customers in the nukkad ke shops, with everyone screaming "chottu, pehle idhar order le!"... and the paranthas! At first one thinks they will be heavily laden with ghee and therefore indisgestible (umm, you may have guessed I am not an 'aloo parantha for breakfast' person!)... but the paranthas turn out to be light and not too thick (read 'fattening') and very very tasty! And then one wonders about how some of the nicest food in India are from galis and little corners, paying just Rs 25 for a tasty delight in the hustle-bustle of the streets instead of Rs250 for so-so food in 5 star environs!

So this was Chandni Chowk.. the place I had heard so much about but never experienced... one really needs to be in Chandni chowk to realise where the heart-beat of the city is.. usually I get very flustered and harassed in crowded places, and being a non-Delhiite essentially (well, in the sense that I didn't go to either school or college here), I had only heard of Chandni chowk but never actually been there.. so this weekend when my Mom had some work there, I joined her and thought of exploring the place a bit... and the outcome was pretty cool.. I was quite delighted by the little streets, small staircases leading to little shops.. people spend there lives in these cubby holes and I am sure they earn big bucks from it! And I thought it was quite clean... though perhaps I chose to be blind to the dirt, if any, in my endeavour to make the most of my trip and not crib! But anyways I've been to worse places, so it really didn't seem as bad as people had made it out to be! We had to meet someone there, and the person's shop was on top of the terrace of a small building... we climbed one narrow staircase, then another narrower one and reached the terrace.. and we find this guy's shop on a small extension way over the terrace, which we had to reach by climbing yet another 4 or 5 steps, without railings on either side, and steep and narrow as hell! It was so cute... this little world they had made for themselves... adjusting with each other's requirements due to mutual lack of space, living their lives in these small havens they had created for themselves... and living it happily and merrily...

Hmmm... I may have romanticised the experience a bit in my head, but at the end of the day, it turned out to be a good experience... it was like an event in my life.. "oh you know, today I went to Chandni chowk!"... too bad I could not visit the other side which I have heard sells stationary (stuff DU students love buying) for students, painting, wedding cards etc etc.. would have been interesting I am sure! But I did get to visit the famous paranthe-wali gali and it turned out to be as good as people had told me it would be! :-))

Attention span

2006-10-12T02:17:00.000-04:00

Has anyone noticed that the attention span that one has decreases considerably over the years? I mean the tolerance level for the mundane and routine drops significantly as life goes on... actually as I say this, I realise that it may not be entirely true (not for nothing do they say 'the young and restless'), but I still find that the time-span between the statements "God, I need a break!" and "I need a change" are gradually decreasing over the years, especially in my case!

Take for instance the fact that I just took a break 2 weeks back, a very relaxing one, and had some time off for myself... but again, within such a short span of time, I am beginning to feel restless again! I don't feel like putting my mind to routine things anymore, and boredom seems to be setting in quite fast!

I wonder if this is a common thing amongst my peer group too.. I have a feeling that the years of over-exposure to fast-food, cable tv and internet have made us weary of spending 'quiet time' with ourselves... most of us are constantly seeking external modes of entertainment and can't sit quietly, alone with ourselves for even a little time.. we require either an sms, a call, tv, food, sleep or some distraction to keep us from strangling ourselves!

Similarly, very few lucky ones get to do real interesting work in their jobs, and that too consistently over a period of time.. I used to be one of those who enjoyed my work immensely, and you would never hear me crib about work when with friends or at home etc.. I truly liked my job.. but now, am getting little bored.. work is good and nothing wrong with it per se.. but still, the attention span has reduced, and the same thing which I would find interesting yesterday, I am getting bored of it today... so that has a lot to do with my current state of mind of boredom seeping in every 15 days! Pls be assured this is not a post about my job.. the point of mentioning the above is to analyse why I feel the need to "get away" so often these days.. is it what I do from day-to-day, either at work or at home, or is it that the number of exciting things left in life decreases as you see more and more of the world?!

Wait a min, did I say the number of surprises in life becomes less? No, that can't be true.. there is just so much to see and feel and experience in this world that it would possibly take more than one lifetime to enjoy all of it!

I attended a talk by my Guru yesterday, and a student asked him during the Q & A session "How do I concentrate on my studies/work?"... and he said this "If we feel entertained enough, we will be able to concentrate better.. if we feel that we have not had enough entertainment yet, then we will seek more of it and then our minds will not be applied to the task at hand"... maybe this is the problem.. we are seeking out entertainment in every minute of our lives, so as soon as there is repetition or lack of amusement, we tend to go in search of more distractions.. I guess thats a reason why people drink? I dont know coz I dont drink (my "drinking" is restricted to bacardi breezers!), but this is just a guess... that we want to get away from our day to day existence.. always wanting to 'get away' from something.. or maybe this is why people job-hop so much nowadays.. running running runnining from either ourselves or the "commonness" of our lives?! What are we looking for? Is there is a motive to our actions or are we living our lives drifting in search of distractions?!

Hmmm.. well am feeling a little less bored after writing this post, coz its sprung up all these impossible questions in my head and I will entertain myself thinking about the unknown (or I don't want to know?!) answers... but it's just a matter of couple of more days! :-))

P.S: Pls note that this post is not written as a complaint about either job, life or my cable tv... I am just reminiscing why I think we (of what I have observed of myself and my friends/colleagues etc) are beginning to get bored faster and faster.. and ofcourse opinions expressed our purely my own and no one else is responsible for this nonsense!

Refreshing selflessness!

2006-10-09T04:20:00.000-04:00

I watched 'Lage raho Munnabhai' this weekend.. (don't worry, this isn't another review!).. after the innumerable posts and newspaper reviews on the movie, the storyline or even the jokes were no surprise to me.. but of course the movie was as good as people said it would be, and in some scenes I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes! So it was all it was touted to be... and the Gandhian principles that were the theme of the movie also hit home...

But all that has been much discussed, and the newspapers, news channels, net, mags have this sudden new-found interest in Gandhian principles and politics... and if a movie is what it takes for the new (our) generation to remember Gandhi and his teachings, so be it..

But what struck me most during the movie (and I am not undermining the other good things in it, just that those have already been talked about a trifle too much!) was the depth of friendship between Circuit and Munna, especially the loyalty that Curcuit has towards Munnabhai! I mean, where do you see such selfless love these days, where do you see people giving up their own identity for the sake of their friend's? Where do you find people putting their friend's (or even family's) happiness above their own anymore? The dedication towards Munnabhai that Arshad Warsi's character shows is indeed exemplary in these times.. and he does so without looking like a chamcha! It's refreshing to see that certain values have been revived in this movie, like the way that Circuit pretends he can see Bapu too is not only funny but also portrays a deep sense of affection for his friend.. its only a friend who can let you believe the impossible! Ofcourse this has its disadvantages too (also brought out in the film) but I was really touched at the affection shown between them..

In this world of rat-races, competition, comparison etc.. one is lucky if they find a friend who is always there for them, putting everything aside for their benefit.. its not even expected these days!! I am sure in my life there are not more than cpl of people whom I can count on really... not that the rest of the people do not care or are not good.. everyone does what they can within their comfort zone.... going out of their way - now thats something that's beginning to get rare these days..

I've been blessed with really caring friends - those who genuinely wish the best for me, would like to see me do well, would help me 'get there' and would be willing to point out what's wrong and nag and nag and nag till I do what's right! (Very few people in this world actually bother you know!) I'm very choosy about who I "make friendship" (!!) with.. I tend to make friends slowly, but surely.. so I end up making few friends, but they are (or what I hope to believe!) for life... its not that the person has to be there with you 24 hrs, but just the feeling that they will be willing to fight for you, they'll be willing to put some sense into your head (if not put then definitely hammer it in!)...they'd be willing to wake up in the middle of the night to hear your good or bad news.. they'd be considerate enough to let you alone when you need to be and not make it a life and death situation! They'd let you make your own mistakes (much like Circuit did!) but will be there for you when you come home beaten and hurt! They'd have a way of making the worst moments seem better, would be more than willing to poke fun at you when you feel your egoistic best, and of course, would be an angel in the eyes of your parents ("That girl is really nice and sensible") when you know better!! And the best part is that you would be willing to be all these things and more to them as well... friendship can never be a one way street.. else the other person either feels stifled or unhappy - depending on how much information you do or do not share with them! Hehehe...

But anwyays, net take-away is that friends like Circuit, with his level of dedication and ability to take shit on behalf of his friend, are amazing to have and should be treasured and kept locked away! If one finds just one or two such people in this world, one would be much happier in just that knowledge!

Like I am! :-))

Life's various hues...

2006-10-05T02:31:00.000-04:00

I've been holidaying... that's why the brief hiatus from blogosphere.. I've been out of touch with people, my blog and reality.. I've been lying in the shade, basking in the sunlight, trekking (panting on the way uphill actually!), listening to romantic songs one the drive along the long-winding road that led to my destination.. been relaxing with a book on the balcony, been massaging my sore feet after miles of walking, been admiring the hills and the valleys, the fact that there seem to be more trees around since the last time I visited, been taking a shot at driving on the highway at 100 km/hr! been enriching myself with the shades of life, trying to capture interesting and beautiful things on my camera, hoping that the memories will not fade too soon...

And I've been doing a lot of thinking.. about where I stand today, what I want from life, who I am and whether I am comfortable with that, what I should change, who I want in my life, whether or not I enjoy the reckless things I do or whether I do them to prove something to myself.. why I say the things I say and do the things I do, why I made the choices I did.. what should be my next step... are my decisions my own or am I trying to please someone else.. and whether my friend's wedding on Friday made me think "another one bites the dust" or "wow, she's lucky!", which would answer my own questions.. self-evaluation, introspection, taking a pause from life to discover its flavours and where it's taking me...

After coming back to Delhi finding myself a little lost.. for a while.. I can't switch back to reality and the usual activites so fast.. I take a day or two to come back to earth, so to speak.. but there are so many small things that I've brought back with myself from these past 4 or 5 days.. like the fact that the roads in Haryana seemed better than the roads in Punjab, atleast where I was! also that I should be spending more quality time with my loved ones, and not just checking with them about the weather.. realising that there are some things that you just can't change about yourself or the other person.. realising that you've lost the stamina you once had and now it's all downhill from here.. realising that it feels great when people notice your efforts and actually say something to you about it.. realising that I prefer sms's to calls since they are so unobstrusive (you can reply in your own sweet time and it doesn't look rude, but if you don't want to talk right then and someone calls, you can't hang up without sounding like an arrogant vamp!).. realising that there are actually very very very few people in this world whom I can't live without.. realising that someone's behaving like a jerk and I am above that... realising that black and white photographs have more character than coloured ones... realising that if I let myself go, I'll only get hurt and so it's ok to be a control freak about myself... realising that I am addicted to dance and if I don't do some or the other form of dance throughout my life, I'll wither and die pretty soon..

Little bit pensive, little bit defensive, strange mood today (it's probably attributable to the really bad cold I have!!) But there's one song stuck in my head since that drive on the hills, in perfect weather, sunrays filtered through the trees, bright and sunny now, dark and shade later, winding road, wind on my face..

O saathi re, din dube na..
Aa chal din ko roke,
dhup ke peeche daudien,
Chaanv chhoole na..
- Omkara, 2006

P.S: I'd have uploaded some snaps too, but somehow the 'Add Image' thing never works on my comp and I can't add any photographs to my posts! :-(

In 5 yrs?

2006-09-25T04:41:00.000-04:00

So people, esp interviewers, like asking questions like "Where do you see yourself 5 yrs from now?"... unless the interviewer is imaginative enough to come up with something better to assess the candidate..

The same question seems to have a way of cropping up so many times in other situations in life.. only the time length differs.. answering this question basically implies planning ahead.. much much ahead... planning for 5 yrs of ur life now?? How can it be possible? Ok overall you have an idea of what situation you will be in.. like have a job in preferably this industry/service, have a family (with or without children), be staying in a 3 BHK apartment of your own, etc etc.. but can you be sure? Ofcourse not.. and no one expects you to be..

But what happens when you have to take a decision now, based on what you picturise yourself doing even 6 months hence?! Yesterday I was contemplating signing up for a Salsa performance group which is to give a stage perforrmance in April 07.. but I can't decide if I should because I have no idea where I will be 6 months from now.. I don't know which city, which company, what marital status, etc etc I will have by then!! So can I sign up now for something which is to happen so much later?? Ofcourse it is not necessary that 6 months planning scares everybody.. afterall its 'short term'.. but I am approaching such cross-roads of my life that I can't even be sure of next month.. things are waiting to happen, but actually aren't!! So its all waiting and watching to see how it turns out.. and I can do that, provided no one asks me to do something now based on the future!

I've never been able to plan even 2 weeks ahead.. plan in details that is.. I love being 'in the moment', but I wonder if it's due to pure laziness to think ahead, tendency to avoid decisions, or spontaneity that makes me this way!! Some real self-exploration is required here... or just that life has to "work out" soon... tsk tsk.. I can't even decide if I should sign-up for Salsa! That sucks!

Dont say that later will be better...
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..
- Stuck in a moment, U2

Like a 'permanent address'

2006-09-18T05:08:00.000-04:00

Picture this: I have a long phone list in front of me, and I'm checking the names on it.. sometimes I don't remember who the person is, and I kick yourself for not writing atleast some reference to the person next to the name! Like 'Amit, Golf' or 'Irfan, Computer guy'.. well anyways I realise I actually call just 10% of the people on the list on a regular basis.. so I purposely look for someone I haven't spoken to in a long long time... from school or my old neighbour or collegemate... but I don't think the number will work.. after all it's been years since I spoke to them and in day and age of jet-setters and pre-paid SIM cards, I don't expect anyone to be in the same place with the same phone number for very long... but, I dial anyways.. and it turns out to be the correct number!!!

Suddenly I am hit with such a sense of 'continuation'! The world has changed, people have changed, situations, lifestyles and jobs have changed, but the phone number is still the same.. its symbolic to the many things we all regard and would like to keep constant in our lives.. like a permanent address, the same phone number (landline), old friends, domestic help even (isn't it nice when you attend someone's wedding and they have a really old maid and the bride is introduced to her as if she is part of the family?!)! While talking to my friend, I can picturise her house, her garden, her g'mom, her pet dog etc etc.. all because she is still using the same number she used to ages ago... it means that she is still where she was, still where we were.. it hits you with a sense of nostalgia, yet with a positive feeling.. I've not been back home for 3 yrs now, but in one sense I was never at home for long as I had gone to boarding school at an early age.. and then I did college at home so that I could stay with my family for some time.. but thereafter MBA and job etc.. things have changed quite a lot, esp my friends.. we have all moved on with our lives, lost touch, gotten married, changed jobs etc.. yet still when I speak to someone from 'back then', I get a sense of permanency... that atleast something is constant..

Although I know personally I would have died with the stagnancy which comes with 'no change', I still find a sense of relief when getting in touch with someone who is still rooted, still there...

I'd like to

2006-09-12T02:29:00.000-04:00

Fall in love...

Its been very long. a few years maybe. since I felt that way... this morning I've been in a great mood, been humming a nice song, been smiling more than usual, been more confident that I can handle life, been more relaxed and trying not to let some things happening in my life unfaze me, eager to meet the next turn in my life, eager to meet someone to share the joy with!

I'm crazy... by evening the cynic in me will let me know that I was just dreaming this morning, and bring me back to reality, but for the moment, I'd like to fall in love.. I'd like to have a smile on my face thinking about something 'he' said (not necessarily flattery or praise of me, I am not a fool - anymore)... I'd like for us to watch a DVD at home, sitting with our arms around each other, sharing a laugh or two, playing with my hair, cribbing about how silly girls are when they get emotional in a movie and still wiping my tears when I cry at the end (which I inevitably will, no matter which movie it is!)... I'd like to take a walk, not hand in hand, but still very much together..

And the funny thing is that almost never do you get these thngs in a real relationship!! So that's why I dont want one! Its just a feeling thats in your head, the romance, the love etc etc.. when a real human being enters the picture, things are not so rosy.. which is why I'd rather be single.. but still be in love.. (how does that make sense?!!)

The thing about saying 'I'd like to' have something is that u don't need it, u just would like to have it.. if its not there, nothing is missing.. but if it is there, then its just another happy aspect to your life.. what is nice about 'growing up' (and getting rid of the idea of 'puppy love', gifts and valentines) is that you don't need someone to complete you, u're already content and u'd like to share the joy with someone, anyone, who understands why u're smiling... spread the joy u feel inside for being alive, for being blessed with so many things, for being who you are and having accepted yourself like that, for having lost weight and looking good.. hehehe.. so many reasons to smile every day, and u'd like to have someone who would 'listen to that smile' because it says so many things!!

By the time I've published this post, I'd have already gotten over my day dream, for sure.. a momentary lapse in control and u're thinking about doing ur own version of one of those romantic ads u see on tv, but I'll let myself be foolish for just one moment... imagine the walking-on-air feeling, the radiant smile and some handsome hunk too good to be true!! :-))

Hehehe... funnily enough, I'm just so happy today (for no particular reason, let me remind you) that I'd let myself think I'm Ms. Universe today, about to meet the man of my dreams!!!

(God forbid a guy really 'enters the scene' and ruins the perfect picture!! Hehehee..)

The sparkle of sun rays on the sea...

2006-09-05T05:38:00.000-04:00

Sitting on the beach, listening to trance in the background... singing what remotely resembles U2's 'With or Without you', looking at the stars twinkle, watching the waves rise and fall, the white crests form and then disintegrate.. sitting with friends and being just a little bit high (on life!)... hmmm.. a life I could really get used to... that's Goa..

My first trip to Goa ever (yeah yeah, I know, I was really deprived all this while, wasn't I?!!)... and it turned out to be one of the nicest vacations ever... I love water, and love beaches too... I grew up just 60 km from a large coast line, so that meant spending many a Sundays strolling on the beach, swimming (and I mean really swimming) in the sea, playing and splashing around... with both family and friends... so I was expecting to feel right at home when I thought of Goa..

But it turned out to be more than that... its the sense of freedom in Goa that makes you let your hair down and really enjoy... everyone is a little less rigid, little less in control (and not only under the influence of alcohol!), less inhibited.. this doesn't mean that we're going crazy, but we could.. thats what I liked about the place.. it makes you forget about your list of things-to-do, worries, deadlines, personal commitments etc etc... your time here is yours alone.. you don't have to wake up hurriedly to get to office or anywhere, you don't know where your next meal would be, you don't have to worry about getting up from the beach soon coz you have somewhere to go.. coz if ur'e enjoying what you are doing right now, then this is what u'll do for as long as you want... in other words, I didn't feel the need to be such a control freak as I generally am.. I could break out of my routine, get out of my set plan to do this or that (there is nothing really to SEE in Goa, so you don't have worry about "have i covered this, have i covered that?")...

In other words, total relaxation..

And partying!! We went to Mambo 2 nights out of 3, tried to find Paradiso but found a cliff dropping into nothing instead, we were aghast at how there were only stags in Tito's!! Sat at a 24 hrs cafe listening to live music, made a big ruccuss there having been the only group which seemed to be in a mood to have a good time.. we drowned the poor singer with requests, karaoked tunelessly, attempted salsa on rock music and ended up literally forcing the singer to play/sing salsa music to keep up with us! And somewhere in between we also danced to pretty hard trance, which none of us really liked before Nikhil Chinappa happened!! And then its like someone let us loose on the dance floor and we're prancing around like maniacs, the girls conferencing on how hot Nikhil Chinappa looked etc etc.. and not to forget the drunken night when doing salsa on the main road in the middle of the nite or scaring away people at CCD with our antics or almost losing 74k at the casino were just some of the many crazy things we did.. and the nicest one-hr journeys from South to North Goa in our hired Qualis, with many a discovery of hidden or unacknowledged singing and lyrics-remembering talent!

There was a certain incident which brought our spirits down, but all in all, this was one of the nicest holidays in recent times.. I am sure anyone who has been to Goa would agree!

Losing respect..

2006-08-30T02:30:00.000-04:00

Losing control

Losing our minds

Losing respect for the life of a fellow human being

Losing our humanity

Thats what's happening to us... to the world in general...

I stopped reading the newspaper because I am an escapist.. and much too sensitive.. I can't just swallow the inhumanity, the (dirty) politics, the terrorism, the lies, the double standards and the loss of control on our minds.. I end up thinking too hard about it, getting agitated and ruining atleast my mood/day.. Its not an excuse, I don't need one... its a choice which I make many a times consciously... (in school we used to be asked to read the newspaper to increase our 'GK', but I have discovered since then that there are also other ways of doing that!)

What pains me the most is that we've stopped looking at the other person's perspective, stopped bothering about judging right from wrong.. we are driven now only by animal instinct, and have lost what primarily distinguishes us (so-called humans) from animals, and that is intellect, buddhi, the power of rational thinking!!

We go around cursing each other; trampling on each other's personal space (which btw, animals don't do.. their territories are clearly marked!); imposing ourselves on others; and these are just the 'harmless' things we do.. we don't stop here though.. we go ahead and beat to death professors as the police standby and watch the fun; we throw acid on children in school as a manner of punishment; we rape women, not just physically but mentally too; we make false promises, and cover it up with double standards; we blast innocent people through the roof to prove our point and expect others to see things in our perspective; we bomb countries over oil and pretend its about freedom; we are think colour matters; we mark unseen territories and then wage years of war to defend it (thats animal like!); we fight over religion, and make revenge the aim of our lives; we sensationalise useless matters and sweep under the carpet the real issues; we ignore the youth protesting on the streets and impose on the country what is deemed as 'the revenge of the oppressed'; we bribe our way through education, job, marriage (thats how I look at dowry); we disrespect our parents, we disrespect our elders/peers/younger ones, we disrespect anyone who dares to disagree with us; we think life is a competition to be won and God help anyone who comes in our way; and last but not the least, we disrespect ourselves by accepting all of the above and continuing as if nothing happened...

This isn't limited to India, of course.. and most of us right-thinking (not politically right, if u know what i mean) do bother to think just a little bit beyond the headlines.. but, how do we stop all this? How can we stop people from degrading so much? What do I do as a responsible citizen to make that student see sense and not get so carried away and be so animal-like that he should beat a professor to death?! I don't know what was the provocation (the real one, not the cancellation of elections) behind it, but does it matter?? Did it really need for you to let go of your anger so much that you killed the other person??

I think as a race, we humans are about to cross the limit...

I have a crush on..

2006-08-28T05:21:00.000-04:00

Michael Bublé

So this is what it feels like.. hmm.. I had forgotten! I had forgotten what it feels like to have a crush on someone, even if its just for 10 mins! When you get that goofy smile on your face, you're gushing like a fool, you gaze out of the window dreamily, listening to their voice in your head, and u think he is talking to you when he's actually speaking to a million other people the same way, but still makes you feel special!

I saw him on Tuesday nite and this Saturday on Star World, giving a live performance of his latest album ('Its time', released in 2005); and there is only one word to describe him - charming!

He's cute... and his voice is as smooth as butter! He looks boyish, yet his expression is very mature, which makes him more endearing! I thought his connection with the audience was amazing, and it made me blush when he looked into the camera and sang "you give me fever.."!! Hehehe, he's so hot - I got fever!

Don't worry, I'm not going to do a Mills and Boons-like description of how my knees felt weak, my cheeks went red and my eyes half-shut in a dreamy way (though all those things did happen! :-))... but I think he's really quite good.. when he sings he really looks like he means it.. the most beautiful yet.. his song 'Home'..

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Maybe surrounded by a million people
I Still feel all alone, I just wanna go home
Babe I miss you, you know

Another winter day has come and gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home, let me go home...

Another aeroplane, another sunny place
I’m lucky I know, but I wanna go,
Let me go home
'Cause I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home...

AWWWW.. I feel like giving him a big hug!! :-))

When 'progressive' becomes a bad word..

2006-08-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

For the past year or so, I have been interacting with some people with whom I do not really share the same wavelength... we have probably been exposed to different cultures, different people and different experiences, therefore we differ in our outlook towards life, esp with respect to relationships with people..

I've spent a major part of my school days in a boarding school, co-ed at that, and that’s gone to shape a lot of the person who I am today... one is exposed to so many different types of situations, a variety of cultures, a mix of good and bad people, and that makes it a good learning ground for tolerance and understanding.. I don't claim that its the best option for education, but its got many advantages that I realise more now than I did back then!

So given this background, and the fact that I come from a culturally 'broad-minded' family, I grew up with the impression that being 'progressive' in one's outlook is a good thing.. I took it for granted that if you have a mother who is independent and strong-willed and can 'manage' things without being dependent on her husband, its a good thing.. I thought it was good that my father didn't frown at my guy-friends (that’s not a word, but anyways!!) and didn't stop me from going out and having a nice time (within boundaries of course!), that my parents didn't keep a tab on me 24 hrs of the day, and that they of course encouraged me to be financially independent and take my career seriously! These are things that most of us take for granted, if we are blessed with such understanding parents!

And the same goes for my friendships with guys.. when you've literally grown-up with guys all around you, u stop treating them as 'guys' and they become more of 'friends', and gender doesn't matter so much (in fact many a times I find it easier to relate to guys than girls, but that's another story).. one can and does forge genuine friendships with the opposite sex (lest a certain friend of mine claims this is another sexist post!), which are not based on 'love' or 'attraction' etc.. they are just plain platonic relationships, and anyone who has a problem with that is usually asked to gth.. so when a real good friend gives u a hug when you are sad/happy, its not to 'make sparks fly'!!

But some people just don't get that.. they don't understand that men and women can have genuinely good friendships.. they don't understand that just coz you danced with a guy doesn't mean you are 'easy', as long as you have kept him at arm's length! When they see a snap where ur friend has his arms around your shoulders, they can't fathom that you are not interested in each other.. if you deny any romantic involvement, they think that you are too progressive and 'let anyone take liberties with you', which is the most false claim ever! Then they look at you up and down and go "tsk tsk, this girl"... and THAT'S when you realise that for many people even today, in this day and age, such seemingly normal things are 'too open', and girls who have seen the inside of a disc, or have had a drink or two, or are ok with going to Goa with a bunch of guys (and girls, but that's not important apparently!) are 'too modern'.. and then they nod and say "iski to shaadi nahin hogi"!

To all these people, I say "grow up" and stop being such a 'punju aunty'!! If it's just me who thinks that men and women can have platonic relationships, and am too naive (yes yes I know that apparently all men have only one thing on their minds) then that’s fine with me.. my friends haven't proven me wrong, yet... if that’s too 'liberal' then what the heck, that’s how I am..

And to myself, most importantly, I say I really really need to stop interacting with these people, else I'll find my head being screwed with these narrow-minded, 18th century thoughts!! 'Progressive' is not a bad word in my dictionary (though I don't mean as "progressive" as the Page3 society either!)!

Scratching below the surface...

2006-08-18T10:17:00.000-04:00

There are times when you don't know people well enough, but still pass judgments on them based on certain incidents, one-off encounters and hearsay... many a times u don't bother to learn the real truth, and because you probably trust the person who is relating the incident more than the person you are talking about, you take it for granted that its true... sometimes we also generalise one incident and think that it is the way the person always behaves, and this is their character - 'the first impression', as they say lasts forever (mostly!)...

I've always thought that I could balance my outlook in this respect.. I try not to generalise people based on one or two incidents, or try to stereotype them... ofcourse it does not always work and many a times bias creeps in... bias based on what? gut instinct sometimes, sometimes what your friends have told u, many a times ur own upbringing and value system.. when someone falls in the negative with respect to these things, one tends to write them off.. we think that its not possible for that person to be anything else to anyone else!

Couple of these notions I had about some people I know were dispelled recently.. I didn't think of some of these people as 'real'.. I used to think that their relationships, friendships, hardships etc etc were all fake and that they were trapped in their own make-believe world... I'd wonder sometimes (though I never "wasted" much thought on these people much earlier) whether they ever really felt anything for anyone apart from themselves, whether they really knew what it was like to have a true friend or be in love etc etc... I thought that all they did was lived on the surface! Some of this impression was based on my own gut instinct (which still holds true for atleast one person I know), but a lot of it was due to stereotype..

But recently, I got the chance to observe these people more closely, with people they were comfortable with, when they were in their own element and had let their guards down.. I noticed some things.. their friendships with certain others ran deeper than just "hello, how are u, look, see what I am doing/wearing/saying.. ".. it went deeper to the point where they really did count on each other at times of crisis (mini or major).. there was a sense of togetherness despite what I had earlier felt was a false sense of security created just to pass the time they were anyways meant to spend with each other.. perhaps I was little bit wrong about some of them, atleast as far as their friendships with others was concerned (not with me necessarily)... when someone can call you at 2 in the nite when they just can't get ahead with something they are doing, you really must be someone they can count on, and definitely there is a connectedness which goes beyond physical boundaries.. which is nice..

I was also a little surprised and at the same time consoled by the fact that there were others like me, single, career-minded, smart, fairly good-looking (if I may say so!), independent and fun loving women who felt insecure about the smallest of things in life.. I found them desiring the same things that deep down inside I do too, like having someone 'to complete you', as one of them mentioned.. while we are all grappling with day to day activities, loving (or hating) our jobs, flying around the country (or the world), socialising with friends who are fun and smart to be with, deep down somewhere we feel insecure about not having that one person... and it doesnt come out in the open often, even to ourselves.. but when you find someone whose jsut like you, and you can see tears in their eyes, you think 'i am not alone'.. and with that thought, u're off to do your own thing happy once again! It doesnt bog u down, it makes you connect like you never have before..

Perhaps I am beginning to ramble.. but some of it I hope makes sense! The thing is that when u generalise people and think they are living their lives only skin deep, but then you scratch below the surface and realise that to a big extent these are also 'real' people with real feelings, soem of them the same as u, then you see them in a different light... not better or worse, but different.. it's an eye-opener to both our own nature, and that of others..

I prefer multiple choice :-((

2006-08-17T02:19:00.000-04:00

Hmmm... I've always been a sucker for filling up questionnaires.. I go anywhere and my frds/family shove the 'feedback form' at me - restuarants, shopping malls, cellular service companies etc etc.. I'm like their 'model' customer, even giving suggestions if I am really up to it! Hehehehe.. well essentially i like multiple choice.. choosing between this and that, thinking for more than one sec before ticking off whatever came to ur head first anyways, and ofcourse love filling up my company's employee satisfaction survey!! But, thats multiple choice, multiple possibilities, when u just have to choose something based on, mostly, ur mood! Isn't that how most things are in life too? U just have to decide between 2 (or more, if u're not too lucky!) choices u have, and take what u, at that point, think is better.. and then live with it.. but when u have to make ur own road... thats different.. someone's not handing u the choices on a silver platter, they're making u create those choices urself.. ummm.. now that sucks! Inertia, lack of imagination, boredom, risk averseness.. many things can make u hate this predicament.. u have to think of something that 'defines' u, and make ur own road..

Why all this pondering? I've been tagged. Probably couple of years back, this 'self-discovery' process would have excited me and made me really think about who I ,etc etc.. but its not that exciting now.. Why? I am not sure.. is it coz I don't know who I am anymore (having changed so much I dont recognize myself)? Or is it that I have never done things which have been imposed on me by someone else?

I was never the "fearing 10 yrs of bad luck, hence forwarding the siddhi-vinayak chain mail" kind of person, so I don't feel bound by any risk-perception to write this post.. but just for the heck of it (and becoz the person who tagged me didn't "mean any harm"!), I'll go ahead.. So.

I am thinking about starting my own business some day.. one day.. when I've mustered enough courage to 'make my own road'..

I said something which I didn't mean, and I keep doing that!

I am someone who has risen above the circumstances in my life, and would not like to be defined by them, however much it may be so sub-consciously!

I am also a bundle of contradictions, as a person.. most people have a predominant side to them which appears with most people, most of the time (apart from the professional/personal life divide).. but me, I contradict myself any number of times during a given day! I could be called 'serious' by some, 'funny' by others, 'senti' by some, 'outrageous' by others, 'conventional' by some, and 'spaced out' or 'unorthodox' by others.. these facades (they are all me, though) I guess depend on who the person I am interacting with is! There are people who don't even know the other side of me exists! But, I get the feeling this is also true for most of us..

I want to know where I'll be 6 months from now, and I want to know it now.. it doesnt mean I am seeking astrological predictions.. but curious to know how all of it will turn out this time!
(I also want to stand on the edge of a cliff and shout as loudly as possible!)

I wish I wouldn't forget the names of people I have met and places I have seen

I love 'doing my own thing', love my independence, and love the remnants of the conscientious person I used to be!

I cry when I am too angry, hurt or mad to express myself any other way.. and ofcourse, in every movie.. if i dont cry in a movie, it generally means the movie was really really bad (i end up crying in funny movies too, laughing too hard that i have tears in my eyes!)

I hear that little voice in my head, and it either ruins my day or gets me through it!

I wonder 'what went wrong?', and sometimes 'what went right?'

I regret 'putting myself down' in the other person's eyes, when i really didn't need to.. most people will not venture to say "no, u're better than that".. they'll just say "ok, I also believe that u are incapable" and then go on to either ignore u, make fun of u or tell someone else about it!

I confuse those who can't understand my (infamous) mood swings.. this usually happens with only those who are close to me.. others don't want to dig deeper and don't care, I guess!

I dance at the smallest pretext

I sing to myself

I am not always short-tempered. There are times when I can be very very patient with people, however rare and far-between these times may be!

I write coz I have ideas in my head that I want to put down on paper..

I need to lose weight!

And now, let me 'spread the cheer', as Chandler said (in a season 8 episode of Friends).. I tag The Vestige, Life as it happens, Candid Diary and aRbiT..

Will you protect me?

2006-08-08T06:08:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is Rakhee... one of the Indian 'days', not borrowed from the West like "Mother's day'/Father's day/Friendship day/Bosses' day" etc etc... its our tradition, still followed by most of us, even those who claim to be ultra-modern/unconventional, shirking traditions etc etc...

So what does celebrating the festival of Rakhee signify in today's world? For you and me? I am not talking about the stories of how it originated, what the rakhee band means etc etc.. but what does tying a rakhee to a brother, or someone you think of as a brother mean to each one of us today?

I have a brother who is 6 yrs younger than me.. when we were kids, it used to be more like I was protecting him than he was protecting me! After a few years, he needed protection from me!! But in more recent years, now that throwing objects and strangling each other is no longer an option, we are closer to playing the traditional roles of 'sister protects brother from evil, and in turn brother protects sister from worse (called humans, I believe?!)'..

But what does 'protection' mean in today's world? It doesn't mean, as some people will have you believe, that the girl is weaker and helpless and needs the strong sinewy shoulders of her brother.. It’s not the stereotypical brother in Hindi films giving up his life to protect his sister from the gangsters (he couldn't succeed because 'saving the girl' is the hero's job)...

In today's world, the brother guides the sister in her life's choices.. in the nuclear families of today, a brother is 'your own generation' and hence, can fill the void that sometimes develops due to the quintessential 'generation gap' with parents.. Whether he is older or younger, the approval of a brother can still mean a lot.. I remember the first time I cooked a proper meal, it was my brother whose comments I was looking forward to the most.. not just because he has a discerning taste, but also because he is difficult to please! Brothers are usually critical of their sisters, esp when it comes to what we are wearing and how fat we have become! And when they mention that we are looking nice, which is rare, it means u really are looking good and it's not praise given to gather brownie-points! And yes, it also happens that we like our brothers to approve of the 'man in my life', because ur brother's a guy after all, and guys can dissect guys! He can really end up protecting u, provided you listen! You can confide in each other about your respective relationships, your aims/goals in life (if any!!), and if you’re stuck up somewhere godforsaken with a punctured tyre in your car, you can count on him to come to your rescue!

We sisters, in turn, also have a lot of things to contribute to our brother’s lives.. We’re ever-ready to go shopping with them, for one thing! We’re also always willing to lend a helping hand if there’s a gift to be chosen for his girlfriend (for e.g.).. We act as anchors sometimes, grounding them firmly (I don’t mean it literally!) and hopefully, they’re listening! Esp if we are older, we try to protect them by not letting them make the same mistakes we did, or at least warning them of the dangers! We’re there to help them through exams (often sitting up late re-learning eco/finance/stats with them!), and oooh, don’t we just loooove dolling out advice! Hehehhee.. Younger sisters, on the other hand, many a times bring out the softer side of brothers when they get pampered! Ummm.. what else do younger sisters do?! Hehehehehe..

But seriously, I like this festival. Though my bro and me have hardly ever been together for Rakhee, its probably something about the whole idea which makes you feel (sudden) affection for your brother.. in school we used to spend days MAKING rakhees, out of colourful skeins, in class, during lunch break, during games time! It was the whole effort behind it which made it all such fun and meaningful.. nowadays I make less of an effort, but it still holds the same meaning.. It’s not often that we voice our love for our siblings, but on these occasions, however embarrassing, we must!

So what does Rakhee mean to you?

Why I stopped singing.. (did I hear someone say thankfully?!!)

2006-08-07T04:50:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I used to sing a lot.. at the age of 7 I had even performed in front of 50 people at an informal function, on stage... one of my family's closest friends, who was a great singer himself, said to my mom once 'let me keep your daughter... I will make her into a great singer'...! What do u know, I could have been winning Indian idol or something, been a celebrity (minor if not a major one!)...

But all that was long back.. call it laziness to do 'riyaaz' every day for 2 or 3 hrs (at the least), call it losing focus in life, or plain dumbness at not nurturing my talent.. whatever it was.. over the years I turned my attention more towards dancing and learning percussion instruments (like tabla, mridangam etc) instead of singing... but I still sang at informal get-togethers without creating much of a fuss ('Gao beta gao'!)...

Then one day, I just stopped singing.. and over time people began to think I couldn't sing because I always said 'no'.. people would say 'all girls know how to sing, why don't u?' and make nasty comments..

But why? .. Ok, I was never Lata Mangeshkar, but I did, and still do, have a sense of tune and rhythm.. my voice is a little unconventional (like most other things about me) and not the run-of-the-mill sweet angel type (which are good too, but filmy).. u can say its more suited to ghazals and slow romantic songs rather than the usual bollywood stuff.. so one day we had a family gathering in Delhi where my mom's side of the family was present.. my great-grandmother (mom's nani) was also there, and she was known to be strict, direct and very forthright.. as usual there was a singing session and I was asked to sing something.. I remember I sang 'Jhuki jhuki see nazar' by Jagjit Singh and I thought I had sung it decently.. but when I finished my great-g'mother commented 'shayad gala kharab hai, isliye aawaz baithee baithee sunayee de rahi hai' to some of the other relatives in an attempt to justify what she thought was a bad rendition!! Oh well, I heard that and felt so miserably insulted and hurt that I resolved never ever to sing again! I was 16, at a very impressionable and vulnerable age and took a light-hearted comment to heart!

And to this day, although I hold absolutely no grudge against my great-g'mother, I do not like to sing in public.. my bathroom, car and bedroom are my singing-havens, but never when there is another person around! We get into certain grooves in life, sometimes we become resentful of the act which brought about any kind of humiliation upon us, and we imprint it so deep in our minds that it takes long to get over it!

Recently, my mom's music teacher made me sit in front of both of them (forcibly) and asked me to sing a ghazal. When I did, he exclaimed about how I had great potential (STILL!), and my mom was beaming as usual, hoping I will get over my self-inflicted self-doubt with these encouraging words.. but it has yet to happen..

.. I think I should seriously consider getting back to learning music.. after all, we get one life (or many) which we should utilize to the fullest!

Why I'd never buy a Mercedes...

2006-08-04T06:46:00.000-04:00

... even if I could afford one!

I was noticing that on the Delhi roads, its the Mercedes, Honda Accord, Toyota Corolla and other fancy car drivers who are the slowest and the ones who can never zig-zag through traffic to get somewhere faster! I mean, me with my little low-segment car can squeeze into a small gap between other cars and hence beat some of the traffic, but I can see the Mercedes driver (owner or hired) wince and slow down so that he doesn't come closer to any other vehicles! Believe me, even I am careful while driving past such a car, but the driver (esp the hired ones!) must be shit scared because he'd get busted even if he brushed against a stationary object or hit a speed breaker too fast!!!

Hmmm.. I'd rather not own a car which causes me to have sleepless nights to let her get on the unkind road!

On second thoughts, may be I would.. I mean if I am rich enough to buy a Merc, won't I be ok with spending a few thousands on it?!

Whatever happened to 'Tall, dark and handsome'?!

2006-08-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

Just a passing thought.. I know that this ad has been on air for the past few months atleast, but I just saw it.. coz I wasn't here for quite a while, and anyways I don't watch tv much except news and star world..

I am referring to the 'Fair and handsome' ointment ad by HLL (who else could it possibly be?).. the one which encourages men to look 'tall, fair and handsome'.. ok I agree that its a common myth that the 'dark' refers to skin colour (which makes sense since I don't think the West really appreciated dark skin at the time this phrase must have been termed).. actually, 'dark' refers to the colour of the guy's hair.. still, I didn't think that being fair was a pre-requisite for good looks amongst men too.. I def know that girls who are not blessed with marble skin are at a huge disadvantage in India (esp in the 'marriage market'), but were these insane rules applicable for men too?!

I did get my answer one of these days, when I was speaking to cpl of my colleagues, and one of them (male) said 'out of the 3 of us, I am the one with the fairest complexion'! (which btw was not even true!) OK.. so u're thinking ur'e going to get married faster than the other 2 of us (which is perfectly fine with me).. but what hit me was that he was even making that comparison!! I mean, does it matter that much as long as you don't have bad skin covered with pimples and blemishes (which, btw, this guy has plenty of)?

I know I know about the new breed of metro-sexual males in the metro cities these days.. the ones who take care of themselves - get pedicures/manicures, hell they actually know which one is meant for what! the ones who get facials, and peels and massages etc etc.. much ado about nothing coz ultimately the girl's going to just see ur bank balance anyways! (ok, just kidding)... anyways coming to the point, its ok for men to take care of themselves, men and women both should look groomed, and if they have problem skin, then they should take care of it.. but blatantly marketing concept of the 'fair is good' for men too?! I mean, has the female-based market been saturated that HLL and such like have to turn their attention on the poor unsuspecting male?

Hell, this is not really an 'issue', but its amusing nonetheless.. sometimes I wonder, is media influencing us or are the attitudes and mind-set of people influencing the media? Did the chicken come first or the egg?

:-))

Was it good for you?

2006-07-31T05:29:00.000-04:00

The world is racing by, and I find myself looking at my body from the outside, fixated on nothing yet concentrated.. I feel immense well-being, yet I am not even sure if I am alive! I am not sure where I am, yet the world hasn't made so much sense in a long time! I am not sure if its been 10 mins or 10 secs since I've been like this... Everything is moving at an amazing speed, yet I am calm, serene and unmoved.. or am I? Coz I can hear someone screaming and I wonder, is that me? My mind is here (or is it?) but my body is spiralling down towards a faint object in the distance.. oh my God, I really am falling!! Head first! Am I going to die? Isn't the ground approaching a bit too fast than I bargained for?? Wait a min, I don't care! I am not scared! This is great.. infact that scream.. it isn't 'Oh god, I'm going to die'.. its more like 'Awesome, one more time pls!'..

I love the rush, the sound of air whizzing past, the tiny objects becoming larger, the city lights far away, getting dimmer (or brighter?!)... the freedom my body is experiencing, the way my hands and legs are flailing about and my clothes are threatening to tear away from me.. I love that I don't have to care if anyone is looking at me (infact, the more the better!), that it doesn't matter if I am screaming or laughing too loudly.. love the fact that I have pushed myself over the edge and feel no fear (or have overcome it in the first few seconds itself!), that I know I won't die and that's what gives me the freedom to enjoy my head-first dive into nowhere..

Oh yes, I love every min (or secs?) of my first (and hopefully not the last) bungee-jump!

Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while
And I'm free, free fallin'
-- Tom Petty, Free Fallin'

P.S. - Facts: Bungee jumping at 'Prater' Amusement Park, Vienna, Austria, April 2005.

If red roses weren't so lovely...

2006-07-28T08:59:00.000-04:00

If it wasn't the oceans,
wasn't the breezes,
wasn't the white sands,
I might not be needed,

If I could sleep through the coal mines,
If I could breathe through hatred,
If I could, work through the summer,
then I woulnd't feel so humble,

oh you, it's always you,
it's always you.

If red roses weren't so lovely,
Wine didn't taste so good,
Stars weren't so romantic,
Then I could do what I should

If you love, I could command it,
Get your head, to understand it,
I'd go twice, around the world,
Even though, I may not find it

You, it's always you,
It's always you.

- 'Always you', Sophie Zelmani, My best friend's wedding

One of the most romantic songs... simple and sweet..

Oh yeah, am a hopeless romantic at heart.. :-))

No one..

2006-07-27T02:21:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt so lonely in this world, surrounded by several people, yet no one who you can actually talk to.. no one who will understand your despair, your dreams, your disappointments.. no one you can confide in without being judged.. and even your closest friends are not enough.. they cannot see what you can see, and even if they can, there is nothing they can do about it to make you feel better... so alone, like an island... taking the hits of the waves alone, struggling through the toughest moments of life alone... not a soul who can say 'yes, i know what you mean' without judging you for it... no one who is willing to listen...

And you want to escape reality.. perhaps that's why I am writing this post today.. wanting to find refuge in confiding in people who have no 'obligation' to care, from whom you have no expectations, but who probably will (or not)..

Its raining.. maybe a walk/drive in the rain will take me out of this mood I've gotten into today... or not.

No, I don't need help.. I need a friend.. a shoulder to cry on..

rone de aaj humein, yeh aankhen sujane de
baahon mein lene de aur khud ko bheeg jaane de
hain jo seene mein qaid dariya woh chhoot jaayega
hain itna dard ke tera daaman bheeg jaayega
- Mere haath mein, Fanaa, 2006

A parallel life..

2006-07-25T07:46:00.000-04:00

A constant dialogue within myself...

They say I think too much.. perhaps I do.. I have this constant dialogue going on inside my head - sometimes with my alter ego, sometimes with what we call the 'higher power' (don't say I am cuckoo!), sometimes (most of the times) with my Guru.. a constant parallel thinking.. This sometimes results in my having this 'dumb' expression on my face, like I can't understand what the other person is saying.. but in reality, I am thinking much beyond the exact words being spoken- am reading inbetween the lines, or probing the probabilities, the consequences.. or sometimes just that I don't like this person's face! I sometimes see myself from the outside, looking at myself, my expression, my appearance, and wonder about what I am doing! And ofcourse, I always keep thinking of what would have happened if I had made the other choice, taken the alternative decision etc etc..

I also find myself singing in my head (well, thankfully for others, I don't sing aloud!)... a song that relates to the current situation, person or moment, in some way or the other.. Funny thing happened yesterday though.. I recently started getting off my fat ass and exercising, in order to regain the 'good' figure I once used to have! So, within a week of this metamorphosis (I haven't exercised to keep fit ever in my life! I never had to make an effort to be fit - I guess due to school being on 250 acres of land and much place to burn the calories)..

Anyways, so a week into this, I decide to check my weight and also my slightly older clothes to see if there is any hope for me.. and I find that I really am just that little bit slimmer!! I check again, my clothes are fitting me without having to suck my breath in! AAAH!! What joy!! I blew my triumphant trumpet to all and sundry!

And then this song suddenly pops into my head - 'Illusion... its just an illusion, in all this confusion'..

:-)) Oops!! I really wonder why! Hehehehe..

Oh yeah! Its the weekend!

2006-07-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

Yippe yippee ya ya! Its Friday, and much rejoicing is happening around me! In Paris, we used to know its Friday if there was no client in office after 3:30 PM!! It seems our company has also adopted this and my India office also becomes empty by this time in the afternoon! Hmmm.. so what am I still doing here?

Am just gathering my thoughts of the past week or so... each of them is not big enough for an individual post, so I thought I'd compile them.. so here goes some randomness -

Discovery of the week! - I accidentally found a new radio station on frequency 95.00 FM, which plays non-stop music with NO ad breaks and no RJs khit-phit!! And it plays both English and Hindi songs, and sometimes 'Hinglish' ones too! Only thing is that since there are no breaks, I don't know the name of the station! Anyways, its a good discovery :-))

I am amused - Himesh Reshammiya keeps me guessing... since every song of his starts in the exact same way, I don't know which song he's about to sing till the lyrics start, and sometimes not even then!

I wonder - When was the last time u were going somewhere (by train, plane, car, bike), and you let the road take over your consciousness, and smiled to yourself for no particular reason, swayed to the music and moved to the beats of a latest Bollywood song (I have to get Worldspace for more variety!)

I also wonder - why do bikers zig-zag through the traffic? is it because no one taught them cycling when they were kids and so they can't keep their balance?!

I listen - to romantic songs on the drive to office on a nice, rainy (drizzling actually) morning and love it, esp if I am alone! ...

I dislike (immensely) - a day at work when there is nothing to do the whole day, and just when you decide to leave early (6:30 or so!), you get work and so much of it that you have to be in office till real late! As you may have guessed, that's what happened to me, yesterday.. today ofcourse I am free to do my own thing coz its Friday!! :-))

I like - drinking chai at a thellawalla's on a nice pleasant evening, maybe raining, maybe not..

I think - someone out there has really influenced me to like the rains.. hmmm.. this can't be happening to me, the greatest rainy/cloudy weather hater, who dislikes having to get out of bed on a rainy day.. and I am thinking of romantic songs and chai on a 'drizzling' day! Ummm..

I don't think - I'd ever buy a Merc.. hmmm.. but I think this one should be a dedicated post.. for later...

I have noticed - that most women know how to dance well.. and sing well too.. is it God's general gift to us? Is there such a thing as gender bias as far as 'talents' are concerned?

Would you rather - be sexy or be sweet (not mutually exclusive, but anyways)? Actually, would you rather be called 'funny and sexy' or 'talented and presentable'.. does such a distinction even exist?!!

I'd rather - make you laugh than make you think... hmmm..

I feel bad - that my bro thinks my job is 'boring, redundant, monotonous and uncreative'... even if it is!

I need to learn - that PR is very important in all aspects of life, personal and professional.. hell, even in ur dance class u need to be PRing with your instructor so that they give u the required attention!

I was called - witty by a friend, and humourless by my bro! one would wonder if they were talking about the same person! I guess its all mood dependent!

I actually sulked - when someone told me that according to the Hindu calendar, I am not a Scorpio! I actually felt bad.. it felt like I had lost some kind of an identity!

I suggest - I go home now, before I start rambling a bit too much and before I miss picking up my cousin from the airport..

Have a great weekend! Hopefully by the time we get back on Monday, we won't have to use workarounds to access blogspot!

P.S: I just have a lot of time on my hands.. thats the only explanation I have for this post! :-)
P.S 2: Just checked my blog again and it seems access to blogspot is back, so we don't have to wait till Monday! Yippee, another reason to rejoice! :-)

7/11??

2006-07-17T08:48:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that using the American date format for referring to the July 11th blasts in Mumbai is yet another 'lick the firangis shoes' attitude display by the media to generate 'association' with the Sep 11 blasts of 2001?!

Do we have to start referring to the Mumbai blasts as something similar to '9/11' to make the international community sit up and listen? Is it an attempt by the media at subliminal association with the WTC wreck to make everyone feel that these blasts in India are worth a thought?!! Do we really need to use such lowly terms and catch-words to gain the attention of the 'all-powerful' Western world?! Would they ignore these blasts if it didn't remind them of the WTC havoc?!

When similar blasts in public transportation system took place on July 7th 2005 in London, England did the same thing.. but they couldn't help but refer to it as 7/7, in either format! But isn't is bothersome that Indians choose to abandon the (adopted, I agree, but atleast its pre-Independence!) British format just so we can sound 'Umreekan' and toe the US line?!

Or doesn't 11/7 sound poetic enough for the media?!

Or is it just me?

A blasted realisation...

2006-07-12T05:48:00.000-04:00

Last evening while driving back from office, I was thinking about someone (let's call her W) whom I don't like much... I was considering our relationship, the stuff that she had said to me before, her actions that had hurt me and what I thought of her now, after so many years.. and suddenly I have this poignant question in my mind.. its not vicious, its not spiteful, its just a matter-of-fact question which came to my head "will I shed a tear if she dies?, like if she dies today, would I feel bad about it?"... this random thought occurs, and obviously I brush it aside and divert my mind to other things..

At that time, I didn't have the radio on so I didn't know that that the bomb blasts had just happened in Mumbai... I casually call my friend up to know his plans for the evening when he tells me about the blasts.. I get back home as soon as possible and get to know the locations of these blasts...

And then I realise.. one of the places where the blast occured is where W lives! And as far as I could remember she took the local trains to commute! I dial her number and predictably, I cant get through.. all lines are jammed since I am too late to get in touch with anyone...

And then guilt sets in.. why, why did such a horrible thought come to me, just one hr back? Could something have happened to her?? Do the mundane things in someone's behaviour like being rude and spiteful hold them back from being cried for?? Do these little misunderstandings really matter in the face of losing someone forever?! I suddenly thought about how we keep holding onto the negative things in life forever and forget someone's kindnesses.. and never get around to knowing the person better and forgiving them and understanding that they didn't mean what they said.. and maybe one day it's too late.. they aren't around for you to forgive..

And with this, what W had said/done didn't matter at all as long as she was just alive.. and life could go on...

I also knew the answer to the question which brought this forth - yes, I would cry.

To my relief, everything is fine with her and her family... God bless.

A girl learns...

2006-07-12T04:20:00.000-04:00

This post is not exclusively for women, but I suppose women may identify more with it than men.. but some of the more observant men may also largely agree with some of the things...

Let me fill u in on the background: I just attended my cousin's wedding in Mumbai and till now she was the eldest unmarried girl in my family of my generation; so predictably it was she who had to answer all the pointed questions about marriage plans from our relatives.. however, now that baton has been passed on to me and I have to dodge questions like "so, ur'e next.. when do we see u settling down?" etc etc... however, this wedding also got me thinking about a lot of things about our family, about us cousins, about girls, growing up, bitching with ur girlfriends, growing into the woman u always wanted to be... so here is some reminiscing and some observing and some contemplating...

A girl learns...

- To sit without fidgeting with her hair... she has to resist the urge to touch her hair when she has a 2 tonne dupatta pinned precariously on it and any move may mean her head will snap back and her neck will break! :-))

- To sit quietly without having anyone to talk to, and still look like she's not bored. Yup, when u are surrounded by relatives whose span of conversation stretches to 'how is ur job going?' and 'so, u're next', then u have to learn to sit and amuse urself alone, maybe figure out where ur life is going (or maybe not) and wonder how long before u'll be crucified too...

- To smile graciously even when she cant stand the other person... (i dont need to elaborate on this one i think)

- To entertain... my cousin (the bride's sister) who was such a tom-boy when she was a kid, actually arranged the whole wedding and took care of the guests, smiled and entertained with inane conversation and made everyone's stay as comfortable as possible... a long way since the time she'd be able to speak only rude insulting things and piss off most people with her forthrightness!

- To appreciate the true value of make-up... which uptil now consisted of only kajal (sometimes not even that) but when u start looking at urself in the mirror and when u start looking at ur cousins, peer pressure and maybe what u see in the mirror makes u think "ok next time I will take care of my appearance and look better with just that little bit extra... " Yeah yeah, those of you who know me will exclaim 'wow, u sound like such a girl!!" but, i think i am ok with that! :-))

- To praise her husband, even when its not necessary or earned... oh believe u me, there are many wives who get away with a hell of a lot with just a few words of appreciation.. there is nothing like a bloated male ego to get u what u really want!

- To smile her way into a bargaining position... now, i am not at all in favour of using this tactic in professional life, but in personal life, this weapon goes a long, long way.. from getting better deals on mundane things like taxi fare, to getting a helping hand with ur luggage (when ur'e just being lazy and not because u cant be self-reliant), to getting tea served at ur office desk! Smile ur way through girl!

- To appreciate her mother's taste and not recoil everytime she picks out something that she likes and thinks her daughter can wear... u suddenly one day realise that for some ocassions, its best to atleast consider the judgement of ur (wiser) mom and if u let go sometimes, the results could be spectacular... or they couldnt be, but atleast you made her day! :-))

- To drink beer/wine in front of all the conservative relatives (see them eye her appraisingly) so they can tell spicy stories about her to everyone! Hehehhee.. oops, this could backfire like anything, but who cares..

- To resist the temptation of flirting once she has tied the knot! Ask my now ‘happily wedded’ cousin about this one! :-)

Actually, I think there is a lot more that a girl learns when she realises that she and her 'playmates' have finally grown up...

I love my Monday sitcom line-up :-)

2006-07-11T03:56:00.000-04:00

I love Mondays... when I get back home after a gruelling day at work (having been stricken with the famous disease - 'Monday Blues'!), I love to sit in front of the tv and turn to Star World (turn to? Actually, I think most of the time the tv is already on this channel), watch the line-up of comedy shows from 8 to 11/12 in the evening... there's Friends (the 4th re-run I think), but I never get back home in time to watch it), so I usually start with 'My wife and kids', followed by 'Still standing', then 'Yes dear' and 'Becker'.. oh yeah.. Becker is back! :-)) I miss 'Fraiser'.. but am sure it will be back soon.. I go to sleep only after watching 'Seinfeld', one of my favs...

And during this 'ritual', no one should disturb me! My brother and I are so glued to the tv set that even if my mom comes and stands in front of us to say something, we usually end up not noticing! Monday evening, my mom's pet peeve is 'why dont u guys tell us how ur day was, talk to us, u know?!'... I dont' even take calls during this time, usually making up a lame excuse about being busy or something... I just dont want to miss that joke... hmmm... and I really hate it if anything comes in the way of my viewing these sitcoms, esp the electricity, the cable connection and dinner plans! yesterday I wanted to celebrate and go out for dinner coz of a recent salary hike I got, but then I said 'lets just order something at home, I am not moving from this sofa!"....

Hmmm... Couch potato...

And the rest of the days I don't really watch tv at all!

The real europe...

2006-07-09T13:52:00.000-04:00

Some of my snaps from Paris, taken on a boatride on the Seine river on a clear March afternoon.. snapshots of the real Europe... :-)

La Conciergie, where Marie Antoinette was imprisoned in her last days before the guilloutine...

Notre Dame..

View from the boat...

Why not because of it?

2006-07-06T03:28:00.000-04:00

If you're wondering about the title.. here's the inspiring thought behind it - why are we all (or most of us) proud of the cities we live in inspite of it and not because of it?

Let me explain...

I am currently in Mumbai, and though I reached at 2 in the nite day before yesterday, I have only just managed to step out of my hotel and really see Mumbai as it is now (am coming to the city after almost 2 yrs)... ok, so everyone knows about the incessant rain and the problems its been causing... but in the aftermath of the rain comes out the reality behind the city dwellers and the municipal corporation..

I am staying in Juhu, and I just went for a walk (the sun is out, yippee, one would think!) to the Juhu beach and was expecting to take a nice stroll down the beach, but what I found was a huge pile up of rubbish on every inch of the beach to as far as I could see! I know its due to the water washed out into the sea after the 3 days of rains.. but the amount of garbage which has piled up really stunned me.. what are we all doing to this earth?! to our homes and home towns?? why dont we ever stop to think twice before throwing wrappers, packets, food items (ok so they are bio-degradable, but they still stink before and after) and general rubbish on the streets?? why dont we consider this situation of blocked drains and flooding before we chuck the chocolate wrapper on the road, expecting someone to clean up after us?? ok, it's MCD's job to keep the city clean, but why cant we help them??

My question is why are we so apathetic about the cities we live in when these are the places we love and are proud about?! Ask anyone from Mumbai (who has managed to stay here for more than 6 months).. they would all say they love the place, the pace of the city (notwithstanding the 2hr long traffic jams when the pace is that of a snail's! ok, just kidding guys, dont pounce on me!).. they love the feel of the city, the freedom to do without bothering about someone watching, the vada paus and the night strolls on the beaches etc etc.. i dont know, people living in Mumbai would be able to describe this better.. but we all love our respective cities despite the unsanitary conditions, the dirt and filth and the electricity and water conditions.. ok, we cant do much about the electricity and water conditions except switch off the lights that we are not using and not take 1 hr long showers when we can clean up in just 5 mins.. but we can do a lot about the dirt and filth.. where do u think its coming from?? MCD is not creating it! We are! And we learn to live with these conditions, loving the city, accetping things the way it is.. in my opinion, its gross insensitivity and not the much-touted tolerant behaviour of us Indians.. we are insensitive to our surroundings, growing more and more immune as we live more and more self-centred lives, busy in our jobs, family, freinds etc etc.. we dont stop and thnk, am i contributing to this city in any way?? And this stands true for each one of us living in India, for every city big and small and for every person, educated or un-educated..

I know that some of you may think that this post is a lecture.. I know - I've been called 'Garbage woman' and made fun of when I have asked my friends to stop throwing wrappers etc on the streets and kept them with me till I find a garbage can (which is rare and far between)... this is a legacy from my school days when I learnt that we should do our little bit for the environment.. most of us think 'environment' is a jungle out there somewhere in Africa and is not our concern.. but envirnoment is where u live, the street where ur home is, the road which you take to get to office etc etc..

Why cant we wake up and say, ok, I wont use plastic bags when I dont need so many, I will throw the garbage in a can, even if it means holding it for 2 extra mins... why cant we say to ourselves -I'm going to try and make my home and city a better place instead of resigning ourselves and letting things go on as they are, making it worse sometimes and then blaming the Government for it all..

Superman vs. Kkrish!

2006-06-30T10:06:00.000-04:00

I recently told someone that I didn't want to watch Hrithik Roshan flying around with a cape and mask! My friend was quick to point out that if I can see Superman wearing his underwear outside his pants, why can't I see 'Kkrish' with a cape?! And if Chinese people could fly in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon', then why should Indians be left behind?!

So why did I make such a 'firangi' statement?

At the grassroot level, I think it's the inherent nature of Indians to admire and accept all things gora, or is it the fact that we'd rather let them look like fools than our own actors and actresses?! I mean, I am used to seeing Hrithik Roshan do more normal and human-like things (like running around trees, yeah, just like the rest of us!) than climbing up trees without using his hands... admittedly, I dont know who the hell is Brandan whazzisname and haven't seen any of his previous movies (if any); so I cant compare and think "what the hell is this guy thinking?!" ... but if Pierce Brosnan decided to bunk his armani suit and don yellow, blue and red attire, I'd definitely think twice! Oops! Suddenly the decision to watch Kkrish over Superman had become a matter of national pride! Hehehe..

But u know what? I did watch 'Kkrish' (I dont want Rakesh Roshan to lose any of his good luck, so am spelling the movie name as it really is) last nite and was pleasantly surprised that it was actually entertaining.. the same degree of entertainment which I would perhaps attribute to Daredevil, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Spiderman (ok, action was not as fast as spiderman, but Kkrish could still climb hills using web-like hands and feet so atleast he had spiderman's super-powers!)...

Our desi superhero has a combination of all the powers of the afore-mentioned superheroes - except - he cant fly!! He just cant do it (picture me shaking my head going tsk tsk).. poor thing tried so hard towards the climax to follow the helicopter but he'd just couldn't get off the ground!! He had to go underwater instead.. !

So, he's not beat Superman - yet!

I will watch Superman anyways, but I have this new-found pride in what action and graphics Bollywood computers can conjure up after watching Kkrish... go Hrithik! :-))

Death by chocolate...

2006-06-29T08:00:00.000-04:00

Death by chocolate: The best combination of ice-cream with chocolate cake with absolutely heavenly chocolate syrup melted on it.. lethal combi of hot and cold, plain vanilla and chocolate.. and thats why its called 'death by chocolate.. available in Corner House, Residency road, Bangalore..

Ummm.. I have this real craving right now to eat hot melted chocolate cake with warm chocolate syrup on it.. and a whole big chunk of it too! Blame it on my colleagues who were celebrating someone's b'day (people still do small kind things like that!) and eating this awesome looking choc cake with smooth chocolate icing...

Chocolate brownies would suffice too, u know..

Best chocolate brownies/cakes I've ever had:
- 'death by chocolate' in bangalore: my bro introduced me to this one and i was estatic after taking just one bite!
- 'chocolate mousse' in Barista (atleast in the beginning)
- 'pain au chocolate' outside Galaries Lafayette in Paris.. a patty kind of thing with hot chocolate filling which spreads in your mouth and (apart from giving rise to cavities) makes u feel like going 'hmmm'... !

Am reminded of that movie.. which one was that? where there's Meg Ryan eating this heavenly hot chocolate brownie and moaning like crazy and causing people to stare at her disapprovingly! (I think Preity Zinta tried miserably to copy her in Salaam Namaste with Ben and Jerry's chocolate icecream, which btw, doesn't even taste that good).. oh ya, i think it was 'When Harry met Sally'... sheesh, i know i know.. succumbing to such bodily desires.. shame on me..

Last word on this: since it's my mom's b'day today, am going to get a nice chocolate cake for her (or for me?!) on the way back from office.. forget the weight control endeavour for today! :-))

Where's my man in a tuxedo?!

2006-06-29T02:26:00.000-04:00

I just remembered something... about the time when we were in 2nd yr college, my 4 frds and I were hanging out at a cafe, thinking about the future, dreaming impossible dreams, encouraging each other and generally having a nice time... we got onto the topic that we will meet in 10 yrs again, no matter where we are (oh ya, that 10 yr reunion that everyone thinks will happen but never does), and we started thinking of what we will be like then, who we will be with etc etc.. there were 5 of us i.e. 2 'couples' and moi, the kabab mein haddi.. one pair had already decided that they'd get married, the other 2 were teeterring on a break-up and me, well I just dreamt too big I guess and so was still single!

So anyways, we thought that in 10 yrs, we'll have dinner together, where the first cpl will arrive together.. oh wait a min, I think they were "hosting" the get-together.. she'd be cooking and he'd be helping her out.. hmmm, nice, we thought... they'd have kids by then, she'd be looking after a nice house and not working so that her family gets all her time and attention.. and dinner would be great :-)

the 2nd couple would arrive.. separately (ok at that time we didn't really want to admit that they'll go separate ways, but this was a hint)... she'd be with someone else... her guy would be this overly caring, mr. goody-two-shoes who'd spend the whole evening showering her with all the attention and forgetting that there were others around (she loved getting pampered); he (her current bf) would be single, waiting for his mom to fix him up with some nice homely girl; she would be working in a nice 9 to 5 job, enjoying her guy's attention etc while he'd be wondering why he let her go!

and me, apparently I'd be at the helm of a corporation/company, wearing a stylish corporate suit, arriving directly from work, busy on my cell phone, and no, I wont still be single.. I'd come (well, he'd join me there) with a smart, tall, good looking and distinguished young (not younger!) man, who would choose (for some unknown reason) to wear a tuxedo suit to the dinner!!!! a TUX?! what the hell were we thnking?!! but anyways i'd be this jet-setting corporate executive in love with this successful and ambitious man, and we'd make a happy couple, and he'd entertain everyone and I'd be looking at him proudly.. oh well, I believe we painted a very rosy picture becoz my love life was the only fictional one at that time.. so the possibilities were endless and no one wanted to bother with reality! :-))

Now, after what, 8 yrs (has it really been that long?!) here's the current status:

First couple - married to each other (and about to have a baby)
Second couple - predictably, no longer going around.. girl is married (to a very caring, docile and sweet guy) and boy is still waiting for his homely stay-at-home girl (and has the audacity to hit on me in the meanwhile! argh!)
Me - single (after 2 'successful' break-ups!), not jet-setting (if u consider my paris stint of 1.5 yrs, then jet-setting too!), but in a corporate suit (complete with high heels!) and feeling good. Not in love, not looking out, and not at the helm of anything!

Hmmm.. everyone's prediction has been more or less true.. but where's my man in a tux?! :-))

p.s: this post should not be misconstrued as a TOI matrimonial ad :-))

Who gets 100% in English!?!

2006-06-27T01:20:00.000-04:00

The CBSE board has clearly gone crazy! Oh wait, ya if there was multiple choice questions in English one could probably get 100%, but if not, then how?! I mean, how ridiculous is it to get 100% in any language! There is no such thing as a perfect essay that one should be awarded full marks for it?!

Ok, this is not just about getting 100% in English (a subject which is probably the weakest in the CBSE course compared to other boards)... this is about exams getting easier, evaluators throwing caution to the wind and awarding 90% and above to so many candidates that a 92% scorer cannot get admission into any DU college (regualr course) becoz there are atleast a 100 people above him/her who have already made it to the first cut-off list!

Its ridiculous what is happening to the education system.. what with reservations coming into effect from next year and (CBSE) exams getting easier and marking more lenient, even a 90% is not enough to get the course of your choice!! No education, no future.. how will the common man get decent jobs (if its not already difficult enough)?! No wonder suicide rates amongst youngsters have sky-rocketed! Oh, pls dont tell me the students are becoming brighter every year and the IQ levels are directly proportional with the year of passing out... this has got to do with CBSE trying to beat other boards in results (oh, my board got better results than your board, na na nee na na!)

I know that this probably doesn't directly concern any of us since most of us are either already in college or working.. but it does concern the education system of the country, it does concern the youth of today and one day it will concern our children..

Really, someone has to stop the Government!

p.s.: dont bother pointing out that ICSE/ISC board passouts get marks "so easily" because its not the ISC board which influences cut-offs in DU, and if cut-offs in DU are any indication, then CBSE just got damn easy, much too easy...

p.s2: this outburst is courtesy front page news in the newspapers today about DU cut-offs..

p.s3: i also realise that most of the readers of this blog are CBSE pass outs, but i have 2 things to say in my defense: a) when we passed out, things were probably more reasonable b) come on! face the truth!

The reality I missed!

2006-06-23T09:14:00.000-04:00

We all know the famous Delhi summer heat, having either tried to live through it, or heard someone whining about it.. the ferocious sun, hot winds, electricity problems etc etc, ofcourse some of us are lucky to get away from it all during most of the week by sitting in air-conditioned offices and using A/Cs at home and in our cars..

I am one such spoilt brat.. I always use the A/C in my car no matter even if it is not really that hot! So it means that I usually drive immune to heat, sound, pollution and smell..

Then it rained.

Some 3 days back. And it was like a breath of fresh air (its another story that the whole city literally flooded, there were potholes filled with water, fallen trees and heavy traffic to deal with).. and I decided that I should stop being so bourgeoisie and pull my windows down...

I did that and was graced with the various fragrances of India - the smell of earth after rain, the smell of car fumes, the smell of fresh cow dung (or bull dung.. remember my parking lot houses many bulls), smell of hot pakoras on the corner of the street.. and the sounds.. wow! the bulldozers working away on the NH8 flyovers, the honks, the men shouting and giving gaalis (esp on seeing a woman driver?!), and the sound of Radio Mirchi playing in my car which was magnified by the neighbouring car...

Quite the contrary to Paris, where the only distinguishing smell came from the Sephora showroom thanks to the 1000-odd perfumes on display! But here there is variety to tickle your olfactory senses! ... And the fact that in Paris everyone talks in low volumes even in their own homes, no one honks on the roads and if ur'e playing loud music/tv in your apartment, u'll have your neighbours complaining about u!

I realised what I had missed (not that I like it, but such sounds are a part of any Indian's life) as soon as I arrived at the IGI airport, and it was good to have some free flowing human expression around me!

Invisibility and anonymity... the under-utilized boons

2006-06-22T17:09:00.000-04:00

I wish sometimes I could be invisible... the advantages of anonymity are great, as a friend of mine, I know, would fully agree... when you are a kid, you want attention.. you want people to look at you, appreciate you, even bitch about u, so long as u are in the light! But as you grow up and 'wisdom' makes its presence felt, you realise that invisibility has its own pros, sometimes much outdoing the cons...

Take for instance in office... I really wish I could be invisible when I enter office at 10 and start to leave at 6 :-) I dont want anyone to notice the timings I am keeping, just the work I am doing should be highlighted.. but no - its not meant to be that way! I enter office and almost every person on my way (especially the 'bosses' and seniors) looks up from his/her computers and says 'aaah, so she's finally in'... I wonder if its the click of my shoe heels (I promised myself to get off high heels but I look like a duck when I walk in flat shoes!!) or whether they are just bored and would welcome any distraction, but still, I find that many people notice when I walk in, esp if I am late! And the number of times I go for tea breaks (which are many in this near-sarkari company!) am sure are also counted!

On hindsight (the best sight, some say!) though, at the end of the day, the Scorpio in me takes over and decides that I would miss the attention (to my work or walking in) if it wasnt there! :-))

p.s. just kidding

The French connection...

2006-06-20T14:20:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that I've lived in Paris for 1 1/2 years and haven't written a word about it in these 1 1/2 months on this blog! Tsk tsk... this is just not done, esp when I have so many stories to tell, not the least being about the French aversion to all things 'English'!

So I was working in Gurgaon, slogging my butt off in a 9 to 9 software job with no rewards (immediate or otherwise) and no appreciation... luckily the HQ of the clients I am working for is in Paris, and so the dream of visiting the city of romance lingered somewhere in my sub-conscious mind.. I am not sure if my boss read my mind or whether it was my incessant chatter about Paris this and Eiffel that which made him think of handing me an assignment there, but lo and behold one fine Monday morning (if such a thing is possible), he comes to me and says "Ruchika, you're going to Paris"!! (Let me just add that my mom was the happiest to hear this news, since going to Paris for a vegetarian like me meant I'd have to cook food myself and which would mean I'd learn cooking!! )

As I touchdown in Paris, I get the feeling of 'coming home'.. strange familiarity which perhaps arises from watching too many movies or reading books (having unsuspectingly read 'da vinci code' just 4 months before I actually set foot in Paris)... I discovered that the Mayor of Paris has a strong liking for all things old and does'nt like modern architecture much... which is why he has relegated the La Defense modern business centre to the outskirts of Paris, and the main Paris area retains the old world architecture, with even buildings painted almost the same colour! So the city has a charming, cultural heritage site look (barring the 'Indian market' area, I have to concede)...

What makes Paris special is the feeling that there is love all around you, esp in the summer season! You walk down the Seine, stand in the middle 'Pont de Alexandre III' (the best of the 11 brigdges on the Seine connecting East and West bank) and look out onto the Sacre Coeur church in the distance, the Louvre expanding over the horizon and the Notre Dame painting a picturesque view in the middle of the river, and you think "this is when u fall in love"... and believe me, at this point everything and everyone looks good and the world seems a better place to live in! No wonder its THE destination for honeymooners!

The first time I saw the Eiffel tower (tour eiffel), it was as if I just stumbled over it.. one evening on the way back from office to my hotel, I just decided to hop off the metro and take a walk around the Champs Elysees.. now I didnt even know I was close to the Eiffel at that time! So I just kept walking along the Champs Elysees, breathtakingly bright and lit up... and I turn a right corner and whoa! there it is, the sparkling Eiffel right in front of me! It was lovely standing near the Seine at nite (in Jan) and watch the Eiffel glitter as it does every hour for ten minutes.. now the Eiffel isnt as beautiful as the Tajmahal (uhh... I can tell u some French people think so too!), but its very majestic and captivating nonetheless, esp at nite... it was one of the best evenings I had in Paris...

I know that most of you have already heard of my many Paris stories and experiences and are probably bored of it after so many months, but hey, let me preserve my memories somewhere in cyberspace so I can look back some day and re-live my experience... look out for more on my French experience with the 'real europe' series and the 'Parle vous Hindi?' blogs...

Bull fights??!!!

2006-06-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it?!! I JUST fixed my car day before yesterday, after going through the rig-marole of answering the whole host of important car-related questions (see previous post) when this happens - Behold!

Venue: My company's open parking lot
Time: 10:00 AM, Monday, 19th June, 2006
Protagonist of this 'tragedy': My cute little red Santro Xing
Villains: 4 HUGE bulls!!!!!

Scene I: I park my car like a very good girl next to a whole host of other cars, lock and leave the parking lot in a peaceful (dusty) state of affairs

Scene II: I get a call from the security guys saying my car has got hit in the parking lot, so I go to investigate, fully charged up to vent my anger on the errant driver!

Scene III: The errant driver, as it goes, is a BULL... a bloody huge bull, well actually 2 huge bulls fighting each other so badly that they have damaged 4 cars in the parking area!!! of which mine is the worst hit!! Oh my God!! and one of the bulls is badly injured and lying next to my car, so I quietly pull out my car and take it to the other side of thelot before further damage is done, to either the bull or my car... and the Admin lady of my company has the audacity to tell me "look whats happened to the bull, and u are being selfish by just looking at ur car damage which is covered by insurance!"

my car's left side both the doors are smashed in, and it really really hurts!! I just got over the freaking dent issues in my life and now I have a smashed in left chassis!

God, is there peace in this world?! and justice??!!!

P.S: Hoping there are no more car related blogs from me, coz it means there would be more car related issues to deal with!

Me and the art of car maintenance!

2006-06-13T06:56:00.000-04:00

There is a reason why maintenance and repair of cars (or any vehicle) is the 'business' of a man! Its just not meant for soft-hearted, indecisive, unknowledgeable people like us! ok, like me.. my mom has an amazing learning curve on this front and now knows when the car needs servicing and what constitutes 'servicing'... I, on the other hand, well, I didnt even know where to open the bonnet of my (lovely, cheerful little) Santro till this morning!!

And yes, there is a reason why the decisions regarding 'to be or not to be' i.e. to change the bumper or just fix it; to paint or not to paint; to claim or not to claim; to give to showroom or roadside mechanic should be taken by the 'man-of-the-house'! uff! it's all too bl**dy confusing for moi! I have 3 smallish (one biggish actually) dents in my car, and just to fix this I have wasted about 5 man-hours and got nowhere because I still don't have the answers to the questions mentioned above!! And with my dad and brother in a different city, I can't really seek their help either becoz neither of them have seen the extent of damage to my car to propose any useful advice!

So, yes, I finally concede and truly believe that the art of car maintenance (and repair) is a man's domain and wish someone would just do it for me!!

Any volunteers??!

The whole picture...

2006-06-08T07:47:00.000-04:00

"The only people who see the whole picture are the ones who step out of the frame. "

- Quote from 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet', Salman Rushdie.

When it comes to love...

2006-06-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

'When it comes to love, there is no telling what people will convince themselves of. Inspite of all the evidence that life is discontinuous, a valley of rifts, and that random chance plays a great part in our fates, we go on believing in the continuity of things, in causation and meaning. But we live on a broken mirror and fresh cracks appear on its surface every day. '

-- Excerpt from 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet' by Salman Rushdie.

10 simple ways to bride-dom!

2006-06-06T08:22:00.000-04:00

My take on becoming an ideal candidate for the Indian marriage market (for the 'fairer' and 'weaker' only):

10 simple ways (probably in this order)

- Learn to cook dal! (and rajma, and chhole, and pav bhaji, and chinese, etc etc) The promise of good food attracts one and all!
- Don't let them know how smart you actually are, and that you already have the answers to most of the questions!
- Your voice has got to sound more sweet: like pure honey, not like honey with adrak (ginger) in it!
- Don those creamy-white angel-like salwar kurtas which bring out the feminine side of every women worth her name!
- Don't forget the bindis and the bangles for the bollywood style ultra-feminine look!
- Stop letting your work define you.. let his work do that now..
- Stop swearing.
- U never had a boyfriend before. Ever.
- Don't tell him you don't intend to pool ur salary into a joint account.. your money will become your shopping pocket money, but he doesnt need to know that, right?

Disclaimer: Not all of the above is correct, I know.. and not all of the above is bad either! And most importantly, I am not getting married (yet!) and thats probably becoz I haven't adopted any of the above (good or bad) advice yet!

Confessions on a dance floor

2006-06-01T08:55:00.000-04:00

I've always thought of myself as a good dancer... I can move, and without being 3 pegs down at that! I've even trained in several dance forms, including indian classical, kalari, jazz etc etc... but my sob story begins in Paris, where I went with this German friend of mine, Esra, to a nightclub which was hosting 'Salsa nite'! The place was chok-a-block with very suave and sexy french couples dancing the nite away...

And could they dance!! I didnt even know men could move like that, given that the only 'dance' I have seen all this time on regular nite-outs is the hip-jerking, shoulder-heaving bhangra (dont get me wrong, I love the bhangra, its fun)... So anyways, I proceeded to spend the rest of the evening resembling a sack of potatoes, but finally managed to get the hang of it and soothe my fragile ego a tad bit..

But things got worse when back in Delhi I attended a salsa nite at Vasant continental where the famous Kaytee was taking a lesson... I barely managed to co-ordinate my moves with my friend (bless u Ankz for being so patient!) when the real dancing started.. I look at the women around me and realised, 'honey, u've got a long way to go before u look as smooth as that!'

My first step towards redemption? Joining salsa classes from this Sunday :-)

I'm spinning around, get outta my way!
-- Kylie Minogue, Spinnin'

Somewhere over the rainbow...

2006-05-31T05:10:00.000-04:00

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high,
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
-- Judy Garland, The Wizard of Oz.

... recently i read that there is an ancient palm leaf in india called the 'brighusanhita' which can predict the future of all the people, and all of it is written down on the palm leaves... people who can read this leaf can tell the future of anyone, and apparently these inscriptions have been written centuries back! the results, it seems, are surprising, almost accurate to the year and event! which led me to thinking that if everything is pre-determined... then what is the point of dreaming, because what has to happen will happen anyways.. or is it that our dreams thenselves are shaped by the eventual course of our lives, which is already known?

the question comes to my mind becoz recently i have seriously been contemplating setting up my own business and doing something creative (no, this is not related to fashion designing).. thats my dream since i was like 11 yrs old or something.. but what i am doing today isn't even close to approaching this particular dream... and the risks of going forth are many...

so do i dare to dream about being the CEO of this snazzy modern creative company or do i resign myself to the 9 to 5 (though its usually 9 to 9) nondescript software something or the other job?

the choice, it seems, has already been made...

Of good and bad bosses

2006-05-29T07:51:00.000-04:00

Recently I have had the opportunity (or compulsion, u might say) to work with 2 bosses at the same time... if thats not enough of a tricky situation, the attitude of the 2 bosses are diamatrically opposite! one is cool as a cucumber and has a great rapport with us teammates... today cpl of us went out for lunch with him (ok, so i paid, it was my treat, but he would have gone anyways!) and it was great fun... while the other one believes in utilizing every single minute of official time to do work and only work.. all work and no play makes him very boring and i find myself yawning every time i have a more than 10 min discussion with him! and we've never ever managed to get a single Rs treat out of him!

the 2 of them are quite similar in many ways - neither of them are known to have lost their tempers ever, both are so methodical and possess extensive knowledge.. but people skills - oh thats where the great divide begins! i mean, who in the world rushes to the cafe for just half a min, fills his coffee mug and runs back so that he can come back and continue work??

no, this is not a boss-bashing session.. this is more to reflect on which attitude gets work done faster and more efficiently... and which attitude will i choose once i get into that position of responsibility? does the nagging and keeping a distance work or does the rapport and feedback work? hmmm... and most of us complain about our bosses' behaviour, but act the same way when given a responsibility... so its an inherent hypocrisy in us too...

wonder when i will understand which path to tread.. meanwhile, i'm tearing my hair out wondering whose deadline i should meet first! :-))

2006-03-20T07:31:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about starting my blog for a long long time, but never getting down to ever doing it... work, life, home, and internet related crisis stopped me from penning my thoughts, though they were constantly formulating in my mind..

The inspiration came at one moment some time back, when I was stuck in one of the famour delhi traffic jams, and I see this little boy in the adjacent car, sitting next to his dad, chattering away about something with great fervour and accompanied animations.. he just kept talking while the father was obviously not really listening to him, but that didn't seem to dim the enthusiasm of the boy... he just had to say what he had to say... whether or not anyone was willing to take him seriously! .. and I was like, in everyday life, when we want to say something, we keep thinking of who to say it to - u know, who will relate to this, who will relate to that... but when u blog, u say something and dont have to look for a listener... you let your thoughts float somewhere in cyberspace... and whoever wants can hear u and whoever wants can listen to what u have just said - (big difference between the two!)...

So here I am, hoping someone will listen to my various thoughts, adventures, discoveries of life's subtle nuances etc and if not, I would have still said what just has to be said!